Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother
by Zosie
Summary: Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was a happily ever after with Edward Cullen.  Now here we were engaged, planning the wedding, and all because Edward found out a secret from our past and was blackmailing me into it. How could this possibly be our HEA?
1. Chapter 1

**Happy New Year's Eve, we will be partying tonight! Hope you are all enjoying the holidays. This is old, off one of my other usernames because I am too busy with RL to write anything at all!**

Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter 1

The Present

The door opened as I knocked a second time and I looked up and frowned.

His hair shimmered in the rays of sunlight that caught each color and made them sparkle and compete with each other. Gold, yellow, red, copper.

"You may as well come in, seeing you are here. Family, we are being honored by the presence of a famous author, what's her name again? Belle, Billie, Becka?" Edward said, standing back, bowing at his waist and gesturing me inside with his other hand.

"Bella!" squealed Alice, jumping almost into my arms in joy.

"Hi Alice, you look amazing!" I blurted out, but she did. Her fashion design business was going well, nowadays it was rare to open any magazine and not be confronted by an Alice Whitlock design. And clearly she kept the best of the best for herself. Her dress was dreamy, gauzelike, almost see through but layered so you only saw glimpses and I could understand why men loved her work, she cut and draped so cleverly you got just the merest hint of what lay under the gown. But you knew you wanted to see more.

"Bella, welcome," greeted Esme, walking towards me, taking me into her arms. She was the mother I deserved to have. Mind you, she was almost my mother. She had been there for me through my darkest days of growing up, she attended Mother and Daughter day at Girl's Club, she took me to her work on the usually excruciatingly sad "Take your daughter to work" days that always had made me face up to and acknowledge my loss.

Sad as it is to lose a parent through death, how much worse to lose one through complete lack of interest? Renee wanted a different life and she took it. It didn't matter who she hurt and left behind in her wake of destruction, she got the life she always wanted so we were her collateral damage.

Charlie was damaged far more than I was, outwardly, anyway.

He filled his bed with his secret 'friend', Sue Clearwater, and we all pretended she had just dropped by for breakfast each morning, as so many people do. You just never know when you will have a breakfast guest.

She and Charlie hid away in their own little bubble and I was the outsider, no longer needed on journey, by either parent. Her daughter Leah and son Seth stayed with their father, Harry, on the Rez and all the families there except the Blacks, ignored the Swans and pretended they no longer existed.

I didn't care, I only cared about what Jacob Black thought of me, not what the Quileute tribe thought of my father, the wife stealer, the interloper. Charlie was a fully grown man and he knew the consequences of his actions long before he carried them out. I was a child, a hurt and bewildered child, but Jake promised to always be my friend so I pretended the looks and sneers and whispers did not have any effect on my life. Nowadays I couldn't have cared if they shouted their dislike from the clifftops for all to hear.

I had grown up, moved on, moved away, become a person of repute. I had four novels printed, three made it to Number One, the very top of the Best Seller's list in every important list there was, New York Times, US Today and Oprah had featured those three as her Book Of The Month Club selections. The other made it to a respectable second and was unlucky to be up against a fabulously famous proven author's fifth book, so I had no chance of that one reaching the pinnacle.

Someday Best rested in the shadow of Midnight Sun, but even I knew her book was superior to mine, and we had all waited an age for it's publication so it didn't bother me at all to settle for second place. In fact, I recommended her book to every reader who lined up for me to autograph my own effort in the many bookstores on my tour.

"I love your work, who inspired you?" I was often asked and I would smile and show them the cover of the novel I was reading in the quiet breaks. I had read every book of hers, over and over, so there was never a chance to catch me without one of hers on hand.

"Bella! Baby sister of mine, get yourself here!" bellowed my favorite 'brother', Emmett, as he swung me clean off my feet and loudly kissed my cheek with a wet, open kiss.

"Hi Rose," I waved and laughed, from high above. The man is a beast and overshadows everyone else in town. Built like a bear, heart of mush. I loved him as fiercely as he loved me.

"Hi Bella, put her down, Emmett, let us normal folk have a chance to welcome her home," Rose said, making my eyes blur with tears.

Home.

She said it like it was just a simple fact. I was one of them, beloved, back in the heart of my family.

"So, what's happening? Any progress with that gorgeous hunk of a man, Aro?" Rose asked, pulling me aside.

"Rose, I told you we are friends," I growled.

"That had better be at least friends with benefits, Missy, or you shall have your Woman Card taken away," she grinned.

"Well, he did take me to dinner and to a Gallery opening," I told her breathlessly.

I was not quite where I wanted to be with him, but I was getting there. Baby steps, didn't want to scare the man off before I at least got to spend a night or ten in his bed.

"Bella! Well done, we are proud of you!" Alice squealed.

I looked around at them all, their eyes all lit with excitement for me and my new life in New York.

I rarely made it back, holidays were a thing of the past. If I had spare time between tours and interviews, and chatting with the screenwriters that were translating my written word to the big screen, I wrote.

And when I wrote, I got lost and time stood still. If Jess didn't come in regularly, not speaking - she knew better than to speak, or make any sound, I would probably starve mid storyline. She pushed cartons of coffee and plastic boxes with chicken and salad sandwiches and takeaway Chinese in front of my nose and I would start, shocked to come back to reality, and automatically pick them up and eat and drink while my mind whirred on, would the handsome hero get the girl this chapter, or should we drag it our further? It's hard to know, hard to hit the exact spot between teasing yet keeping the reader transfixed, and just getting drawn out and boring. You don't want them to give up home and toss the book into the corner, you want them sitting up past bedtime, unable to stop until they know the happy ever after is imminent.

Oh yes, I can write happy ever afters, just can't seem to make one materialise for myself.

But then, who would want a woman who was rarely home, always off on some promotional trip or other, always trapped inside her own head, trying to breathe life into Duke and Rachel, Tarquin and Elonie, always making them so unforgettable yet she herself remaining completely forgettable?

Men don't like self supporting, successful women, it may be wrong and stupid but it is a fact. When the few men I have dated since my runaway success have realized who I am, who lies beneath this pretty but somewhat ordinary exterior, they either feel impotent at my earnings versus theirs, or they see me as a cash cow and try to dazzle me into a quick relationship headed straight towards the altar, so they will be set for life without too much effort on their part.

I tend to avoid dating, you may have gathered.

Aro seems different. To start with, he could buy and sell me a hundred times, his businesses make my income look like spending money, and he is dashing and handsome like few men are today.

"I have put you in the guestroom upstairs," Esme tells me, as Carlisle enters and rushes straight for me, and I am kissed and hugged again and he pulls back and smiles down at my face with unashamed pride.

"Bella, you look amazing. New York must agree with you," he says, smiling, pulling me to the sofa and sitting me beside him. "Someday Best is your greatest story to date, I loved it, and I have all the nurses reading it at the hospital. I bought twenty copies for the library so the patients are eating it up too. Mind you, I think at last count we were down to eight copies, twelve have walked out, no doubt the visitors are 'borrowing' them as well. You should do a book signing in the foyer, we could sell a hundred to the patients and their families and our own Dr Whitlock has been caught a few times, sneaking a quick read between surgeries.

Jasper walked over and stood in front of me, beaming his beautiful smile down at me.

"Guilty as charged. I have to know if Emily is going to pull through and if Simon goes back to Danica. God, Bella, you have me reading chick books, you bad girl."

"Sorry, Jaz, I never thought for a moment men would read my waffling," I laughed.

"Those sex scenes are irresistible, the amount of times I have had to call Alice in to 'bring my lunch' from home after a steamy chapter between Rick and Erica...let me tell you, baby number three was all down to you and Catching Time. It was my favorite book but I think you have outdone yourself. Again."

Alice reappeared with two sleepy eyed children in tow.

"Aunty Bella, Aunty Bella," squealed Alicia, in an exact copy of her mother's voice. I scooped her up and kissed her face a hundred times. Three years old and already a traffic stopper with her jet black hair and sweet pink lips. Jasper's ice blue eyes are replicated in both his children, and the baby, Jack, smiled a toothless grin at me.

"Yes, you are to blame for the Irish twins," growled Alice. "It would have been nice to have this one sleeping through the night before the one inside started waking me up with morning sickness."

"Sorry, my books do come with a clear warning," I offered, laughing.

"So, how many babies have they created now? Do readers tell you things like that?" Jasper asked, taking his son onto his lap.

"Oh sure, I would say we are in the 7,000 region now. And half the boys are named Brody, of course," I answered.

"Brody..it just seems wrong to inflict that type of expectation on a newborn. How many Brody's are going to grow up and be red hot lovers like Brody Masen?" Alice lamented.

"What's the favorite girl's name?" Jasper asked, winking at Alice.

"Is it a girl? You know already?" I all but screamed. Emmett and Rose had produced five boys in a row, so granddaughter's were a rarity for Esme and Carlisle and Alicia was getting far too much attention from being the only one.

"Edward did the scan. He was a pig, naturally, and told me he saw four boys in there. Jasper almost had a heart attack. I am sure that is against the law or something, lying to an expectant mother, and your sister to boot."

"Hey, I don't get a lot of laughs in my line of work," Edward answered, walking into the room properly at last.

I was very aware of his proximity, that damned buzz we always evoke was there, pulling him toward me.

"If it had been male quads, they would be living with their Uncle Edward," Alice answered crossly.

"That would suit me fine, seeing I shall never have a child of my own," he replied, suddenly serious. The whole mood in the room altered, and all eyes were on me. It was not my fault and I refuse to take responsibility for this. He was the one who decided never to father children unless they were mothered by me. I never agreed or made any such stupid rule for myself. If I have children, and I hope I do some day, they will be with someone I love and trust, and he will have to earn my trust, thanks to this beautiful man now taking over the conversation.

"Well, I bet dinner is ready to be served," Carlisle said, breaking the mood and creating a perfect diversion.

We all stood and made our way to the dining room and Edward held out the chair beside his for me to sit in. I didn't hesitate, I am not afraid of him any more. He has hurt me to the very marrow of my bones in the past but not now. I have moved on.

Esme filled our plates with roast chicken and vegetables and Carlisle passed the gravy boats around, one per side. I helped myself to peas, and accepted a serve of gravy on my meat, from Esme who hovered and refused to sit and relax until we all had taken as much as she could force onto our plates.

Alice ate hurriedly, and I grinned at her, knowing how she always had to bolt down her food as soon as the aroma hit her or she would be ill and not eat for hours. She blossomed during later pregnancy but suffered so much for the first few months, it made me wonder how she could sign up for this three times. Once was enough.

I volunteered for clean up duty and chased Esme outside to play with her grandkids. The mini Emmett's had been fed in advance, seeing Rose insisted eating with her boys caused many people to be unable to finish their dinner, so they were already deep in a game of touch football.

I scraped and stacked and watched out of the expanse of kitchen windows. Their father coached them and grabbed Damien, the second youngest, and ran with him and the ball through the line of defence. Jasper was sorting them into teams to start the game over, and I laughed as the small boys climbed all over him and protested about who was on which team.

"Adam, Brandon, Curtis, you guys are the oldest, you can play against Emmett and I and Damien, and baby Edward. Now, stop moaning. Your father and I will be severely handicapped by having to carry the little guys so you know you will win, so shut it."

Jasper scooped Rose's youngest son into his arms and barrelled down the ground behind Emmett as Rose pushed Alicia on the swing and Alice breastfed Jack on a lounger under a big colorful umbrella.

Baby Edward was nearly two and still somewhat unsteady on his fat little legs. Damien was a year older, as were the gaps between all her boys. Rose had worked on the theory the closer they were born, the sooner they would be at school and her life could recommence, she missed her career and adult company. Baby Edward had been her last ditch effort to produce a girl, and so she had named him after the doctor who delivered him, her own brother-in-law.

"He could have been ours, you know," a voice close to my ear said.

"Unlikely, seeing we were on separate continents when he was conceived," I sniped back.

"I always knew Esme and Carlisle would have a grandson named Edward, I just assumed I would be his father," he continued. "Seeing it is my name and all."

"Edward, you could marry and have a dozen little Edwards," I replied, moving away from that lethal body to wipe the benches as the dishwasher worked.

"That will never happen. You know I have only ever wanted children with you. Wouldn't you like to have a baby one day, Bella?" he asked, following behind me and catching me around my waist.

"Sure, I intend to, I am just not through with interviewing the prospective fathers," I answered, stilling, wishing he would stay away.

"I'm so sorry for everything that happened, Bella. I would change things if I could," he lamented.

"Yeah, well, you can't so let's just go on with our lives and pretend there never was an us," I suggested. I tossed the cloth into the sink and made for the great outdoors, it was getting claustrophobic in there.

"So, Jaz really does want to know which of your heroine's has the most popular baby name," Alice said as I sunk into a chair beside hers.

"Ryanne, of course, but do you really want to name your child after a woman like that? I don't get it myself, all these mother's naming their kids after fictitious characters, and none of them are so pure and innocent you would want your child to follow in their footsteps. Don't forget, Ryanne cheated on Nick and ran away with her lover," I reminded Alice.

"Nick asked for it, he should have given her all the love and attention she craved," Alice defended. "She married him under the impression he loved her more than everything, more than his work, more than his family, and he short changed her. He was never home, it was inevitable she would stray," Alice continued.

"We all have our trials and men rarely fulfil their promises," I answered.

"Bella, one day you will tell me," she said , full of self assurance.

"I'm allowed one single secret, Alice, surely. And everyone would hate me if they knew. Please let it go," I pleaded. Some days , it didn't seem real, it felt like it had never happened, and was just a figment in my imagination. Other days it felt like it was only yesterday.

I never imagined I would be 'that girl', but I was, or I had been.

I have locked her away, never let her see the light of day, she is dead now and doesn't exist any more and nobody here will ever make her acquaintance.

I could not bear for them to know, and to have to avoid their eyes, filled with hurt and pain and accusations.


	2. Chapter 2

My Best Friend's Brother: Happily Ever After

Chapter 2

The Past

"_Bella? What the heck? Where did you spring from?" Edward asked, looking down at my huddled form where I had drifted off to sleep, waiting for him to come back to his apartment. I stood and shook myself, my legs were asleep and the blood tingled and stung as it moved again within my veins._

"_Oh, I was just passing by," I laughed as he pulled me into a bear hug._

"_No, really," he insisted._

"_I won a scholarship and you would know that if you ever came back and didn't spend your breaks in Switzerland with your fancy rich friends and came home to us common folk in Forks. I am a Freshman here in NYU, I have a dorm, and everything."_

"_Great, has anyone taken you around and showed you where to hang out and where to eat and where to avoid?" he asked._

"_No," I shook my head and he pulled me close again._

"_Unbelievable, my own little Bella here to cheer me up in my final year."_

"_Well, I would have come earlier but you know, money, Charlie not trusting me out of his sight, me being younger than you, I couldn't keep up," I laughed._

_My years of unrequited love seemed to be over, I hoped fervently. Being Alice's best friend had given me a front row seat to all things Edward and I had waited patiently for news of him after he left us behind and headed to the Big Apple._

_Years of waiting for the odd scrap of information, a photo, usually of him and some GIRL, hardly what I wanted to see. The first few years he came home every break and we followed him around like lost puppies, but then Alice met Jasper and I alone kept up the vigil._

_Naturally he thought it was amusing, but he did throw me the odd scrap, just enough to keep my heart firmly Team Edward, despite the attempts of Jacob and Tyler and Mike, and the others. _

_They were boys, he was a man. A genuine, card carrying, beautiful Godlike man._

_When Edward was around, nobody else existed for me. My father gave up ordering me home or calling around in the cruiser to collect me, I became a permanent fixture in Alice's bedroom. It was often empty anyway, she snuck off out her window and met Jas at the corner and went back to his place._

_Nothing like an absent mother to allow a boy all the freedom he wanted to have his girlfriend sleep over every night she could manage it._

_Alice always came back in time for breakfast and nobody was any the wiser. Charlie was lulled into a false sense of security knowing I shared the room with such a nice, sensible girl, with such good, vigilant parents._

_Some nights I snuck up the extra staircase that led to Edward country, the floor where he alone had his bedroom and it's adjoining music room, accessible only via the bedroom itself, and sat against his door, listening as he played his heart out on his piano. He made me feel the music like it was a separate entity in the room, well, sneaking out under the door._

_I managed to keep my secret vigil until the night I fell asleep, all his fault, if he didn't play such Heavenly music it would not have lulled my senses._

_He had laughed as he opened his door and I fell into his bedroom, the furthest I had even been inside._

"_What are you doing here, Bella?" he had asked._

"_Alice is...asleep," he laughed at the lie, he obviously saw her sneak out of her back window, "and I just wanted to listen," I explained, blushing madly._

"_Well, it is customary to knock and come inside if you want to listen properly," he answered, taking my hand for the first time ever and pulling me into sit on the chaise lounge beside the piano._

"_What would you like to hear?" he smirked._

"_Anything," I answered, and so began the many nights he let me inside his domain to listen enraptured to the sweet, soul touching sound he gleaned from the keys. I had never been exposed to classical music before so every note touched my heart and opened another door, and I begged him to record his music before he went back away from us again._

_As a result, my room was filled with his music, and thus him, even while he worked and studied and no doubt, played with the big girls and forgot that the little girls who adored him even existed, far away._

_Now I was there, in the same college and he couldn't flick me aside._

_He had sent me the occasional cd's during the years he didn't come back, so I was always hoping for a slim, flat parcel and now and then I got my wish fulfilled. It was a bitter victory when each packet arrived, knowing it meant I would not see him for another year, but he thought of me, and sent the cd, that had to mean something to my tender, inexperienced teenage heart._

_Charlie wasn't sure how he felt about an older boy sending me gifts but I shouted at him that Edward was educating me about proper music and showing me another world outside pop and rap and the darlk emo lyrics that tended to play too often when I missed him too much, so my Dad shut up and let it go, no doubt relieved the arrival always signified the man himself would not be back this break._

_My room mate in the dorm was a very friendly girl in the respect, she was very friendly with boys, all boys, any boys. I had been there scarcely three weeks when Edward came over to drop off something his Mom had sent, a care package stuffed with cookies and fruit cake and other treats that would ease my hunger while I searched for a part time job to cover the incidentals, like food._

_I was sitting in the hallway while Victoria entertained three boys, and Edward lost his cool completely, going into the dorm, yelling at her, packing my clothes and stuff, and dragging me to his off campus apartment and giving me his spare second bedroom. Normally he hated to share but once I got cooking and seduced his stomach with my kitchen skills, he was hooked and he stopped suggesting finding me another dorm._

_I was in, I was sharing a place with Edward! It was beyond my wildest dreams, though had turned up in my fantasies, and I half convinced myself we were just one step short of being a couple._

_He worked and studied such long hours I was often home alone but I kept the fridge stocked with reheat-able meals and the cookie jar overflowing and a hungry Edward would wolf down everything in sight when he got home._

_It worked, it suited us both, until The Night._

_I shudder and try to repress the memory of the slippery slope I pulled us both down._

_Edward had been stressed out, he was having problems with a lecturer, and finding it hard to get in his demanding schedule of practicals, as well as sleeping, so I decided the man needed a break and a stress reliever and I stripped myself naked, took a long, fragrant bath and was in his bed in his dark bedroom when he got home. _

_I heard him find his dinner, eat, shower, then he entered his bedroom, tossing the towel from his waist and almost causing me to rethink and feign sleep. How on earth did THAT fit in THERE? I was untouched by human hand and it seemed like an impossible equation._

_I suspected it would take a magic trick but it proved to be quite easy and doable._

_That was me, easy and doable._

_Edward choked when he realized he was not alone, and he approached the bed, pulling the covers away._

"_Bella? Seriously? Get out of here before your father appears at the door with his gun," he growled._

"_Charlie is a long way away and I just want to be with you," I pleaded._

"_Fuck no, I am not being your first," he answered, assessing the situation or reading my mind._

"_Please, Edward, I want it to be you. I need to do this and get it out of the way and I trust you."_

"_Well don't. I haven't exactly kept myself virginal, Bella. You should be saving yourself for some boy you love, not throwing this away on me."_

_I sat up and started stroking his erection, which seemed more eager to help me out than he was, and he sighed and shut his eyes._

"_How old are you, exactly?" he asked and I knew I was in. Well, he was in. Well, he would be in._

"_Eighteen years and three months," I answered, then cringed, it sounded so...childish...adding in the months. Like a three year old counting the days until he turned four and became a big boy._

"_Do you know how old I am, Bella?" he asked._

"_Twenty five.." I bit my tongue so I would not add the two months, one week and three days and seven hours since his birthday._

"_Don't you think I am a little old for you?" he asked, hissing at my actions as I rubbed and caressed and stroked as if my life depended on it._

"_I am an adult, not a child. I am sure if you won't do the right thing and help me out, one of your friends will. What about James?" I threatened. I had seen James around, and he seemed to like screwing girls in dark alleys and doorways._

"_Fuck no, but I can't do this. You are Alice's friend. You are almost like a little sister to me."_

"_If any other eighteen year old girl was here in your bed, ready, naked, and willing, would you refuse her?" I asked, afraid of the answer._

"_I guess not," he replied, the answer I both wanted and didn't want to hear._

"_Then do this," I begged._

"_No, we can just..."_

_I smiled and rubbed harder._

_Whatever we did would be enough, because I just needed his touch, his lips, his hands._

_He lay beside me, and he stopped my hand teasing him and instead, he gently started to stroke my torso, making my skin tingle and my mouth water. At first he merely stroked along the outside of my folds, like he had no intention of parting them and reaching the bits that longed for him the most, then he circled my clit and I wanted to scream in frustration, so close to what I needed him to touch, so close._

"_You are so beautiful, you should wait for the right boy and make it special," he whispered. His breath was ragged and I smiled at the knowledge I was getting him interested._

_I stroked him again but gently, teasingly and he opened my folds and started to rub his fingers along me in earnest._

_My pulse quickened and I blinked back tears of victory, he was as hard as a rock and his hips were bucking against my hand a little._

_His green eyes had become hooded and he was smiling at me up through his dark lashes, and I could see it was now in my control, I didn't need to beg, he was in a place where I would be calling the shots._

"_Isabella," he murmured and I started. He had never called me that. Was he finally seeing me as something other than the little girl who played games with his sister? Was he seeing me as a woman?_

_He hovered about me, leaning on one elbow so he still had a hand free to take me to the promised land and he slipped a single finger inside, making me hiss a little. I had never felt anything other than a tampon in there and this was so different, so wonderful, so grown up._

_His finger just slid in and out and he carefully grazed my clit with his palm on each move, so my eyes were wide and hopeful, and I could tell something fantastic was going to happen. He slid a second finger in as well and then as he moved them in deeper and out further, he curled them, and I wondered why. It seemed a strange move but then..._

"_God, Edward," I cried as he hit...something, some place I had no idea existed._

_My body writhed and pushed itself up closer, and my free hand lay itself on his and forced it in deeper._

"_Do you like how that feels, my Bella?" he asked, his voice warm and soft and I nodded and bit my lower lip._

_He lowered his head and started to kiss my breasts and I wanted to tell him to stop and concentrate on lower down, that was where the sensations I needed were. Then it changed, his mouth was on my breast, covering a nipple, and he sucked it inside his mouth and did things with his tongue that sent a charge of electricity through my torso, to my already excited clit and even deeper, inside, where those curled fingers..._

_I hoped I would not black out because my brain was becoming fogged and none of my limbs existed any longer. All I remained was a breast, a nipple, and a smouldering fire below my waist, between my legs._

"_Edwarddd," I cried, perplexed, needy, waiting.._

_For what?_

_I had never felt like this, ever and suddenly I had new respect for my body. Who knew it could feel like this?_

_He was watching my eyes, and I flickered my own back and forth, looking down deeply into his. What was he doing to me? Why had nobody done this before? How did it end?_

_I didn't want it to end, it felt so good, so warm, so alive but somehow his eyes were promising there was even more._

_He watched me and I felt him smile against my breast as he created a vacuum and flicked the rock hard nipple with the very tip of his tongue and things just happened. The world left it's orbit and spun out into the space around it, the sun disappeared from the sky and situated itself in my lower belly, a slow, delicious warmth was flooding me, and I wanted to yell out something but what? Why?_

"_Let go, Bella, come for me," he murmured, then he took in the other nipple and it pushed me over some invisible ledge._

_Things were shaking, tightening, grabbing at his fingers, my inner body was pushing it's need out, and he stroked me faster until my body exploded and waves of deliciousness flooded every cell._

"_Edwarddd, God, how..."_

_I collapsed flat against the mattress and felt the pulse that started at my pelvis radiate out, and I could feel my limbs again as it rolled down them and reached my finger tips and toes. They curled under and I gasped and greedily sucked in air because there was no way I was dying and missing this._

_Edward removed his fingers and just stroked my clit so lightly I would hardly feel it any other time but now it was causing little sparks of lightening to flash through my insides._

_My body jerked and he was smiling, kissing my neck, stroking my face._

"_Isabella, you have always been beautiful but if you could see your face now, even you would know how perfect you truly are," he said in that velvety tone that makes every other voice sound rough and crass._

_My body blushed from the toes up and I still lay there, and listened to the soft moaning, and wondered where it came from. Oh, me, my mouth. Really?_

_Edward laughed and moved his hand away and I quickly closed my legs to trap it there but too late, it was gone._

"_Haven't you ever come before?" he asked, whispering in my ear and making my body gooseflesh and want...more._

_I shook my head, I would have remembered if I ever felt like that. Sometimes in my dreams when I dreamed he was with me, I had woken kind of tingly and warm and damp and filled with expectations of something, but I had never known what until now._

"_Roll over," he whispered and moved away, and I wanted to grab him back but something told me I was going to like whatever he had in mind so I rolled my back to his chest and he lifted my upper leg and started the stroking along my folds again. His erection was hard, digging into my back and he slid down a little and started stroking me with it, instead of his fingers._

_God, it felt awesome, every nerve was on edge, brightening as we connected, sighing in disappointment when he pushed back and started again._

_I certainly knew exactly what my clit was for now, and he made sure it got a lot of contact._

_His hips started to buck and I closed my legs, trapping his dick between them because he was not taking that away until my body exploded again._

_He moaned and shivered and pushed along my inner folds, sliding harder and faster and I felt things flutter inside and next thing, it was back, the tsunami, taking me away, tossing me onto the shore, pounding every inch of me._

"_Edwardd, God, Edward," I gasped and felt him still and then his dick jerked and rocked and he released in front of my clit, onto the bed sheets, in spurts that made him hiss and bury his face in my shoulder._

"_Bella, my God, Bella," he murmured and I felt so close to him in that moment, like we were almost one._

_Once we quietened, he rolled me into his arms and kissed my cheek._

"_Was that as good for you as it was for me?" he asked._

_I nodded but already I knew as amazing as that had been, I knew there was more._

_And I wanted it._

"_Sleep, my Bella, go to sleep now," he murmured, stroking my hair and resting his chin on top of my head. His arms still encircled me and I snuggled in and let myself sleep but I would be demanding more._

_Morning was not yet born when I woke and I slipped out to the bathroom and washed various parts including my face, still pink with satisfaction._

_I looked into the mirror and smirked at the new me, the me who knew so much more than she had before. There was no way what had happened could be like that with anyone else, it must be some chemistry between only Edward and I. I felt sorry for every other person on this planet, now I knew what we had and they didn't._

_Climbing back into bed, I turned my back towards him and started rocking against his very obvious morning wood. It slipped between my thighs easily and I concentrated hard on keeping it against the best bits as I rocked and writhed. God, even without Edward's co-operation, he was bringing me to the brink, and I moaned and rocked harder as the now familiar warmth started to invade inside me._

_Edward's hands were suddenly gripping my hips and as I came, he pushed himself inside me. He slid in easily then hit something, and I gasped as the pleasure changed to pain._

_He seemed to be asleep but he was repeating my name and pushing in and out, edging in a little further each time._

_I felt the reluctant tearing as my hymen gave up trying to save me from myself and the Fate I was pushing us towards. Blood flooded down and he sighed 'yes' and pushed in deeper._

_His lips were on my neck, and suddenly he stilled._

"_Bella? What the.."_

"_You are already in, Edward, just keep going," I implored._

"_No, this is not right," he answered, pulling out a little._

_I pushed my body closer to his and he slid back inside easily._

"_You have already popped my cherry, just go with it," I urged._

_I ground myself hard against him and felt his erection stiffen again, back to it's former hardness._

_He rocked in slowly, and I could almost hear his mind working, trying to figure out how this happened._

"_You made me come already, while you were asleep, I just want to feel you come inside me," I said and he inhaled sharply._

"_Come for me, Edward, I have come for you, I want to feel you come, I want you to fill me up," I continued, feeling his body react to my words. "You feel so big and hard and wonderful, you make my whole body tingle," I said a little louder than a whisper._

_He seemed to lose himself as he got into a rhythm and just hearing him hum as he plunged in and out, made me want to smile. He was enjoying himself, enjoying me. It was what I had wanted for so long._

_His hands were everywhere, stroking everything, my breasts, my stomach, lower, he reached down and placed a thumb on my clit and it immediately became famished and greedy and wanted more._

_I was radiating heat and need and he stroked me gently but firmly until it hit again, and he yelled my name into the quiet morning._

"_Bellaaa! My God, my Bella."_

_Even with the blood already there, I could feel his seed pumping deep inside me and I felt his dick twitching as it filled me._

_He kept up the slowed down movement and his kisses covered my back as he rode it out._

"_Shit, Bella, that was awesome. I have never woken up inside anyone before," he said amazed and I was sure there was a little love in this, somewhere. How could he do this if he didn't secretly love me a little? No man would do that to a girl he had no feelings for, right? Take her gift she had kept safely for him?_

_The blood was embarrassing but he didn't react, he just kissed me and pulled me out of bed, into his shower and washed me clean._

"_I bet you are wishing that had never happened," he said quietly, caressing my face as the water cascaded down onto us._

"_No, Edward, I will remember that forever," I admitted. "The pain was nothing compared to the pleasure."_

"_It gets easier. Wow, I have never taken a virgin before," he said, suddenly, then his face fell._

"_What was I thinking? My God, Bella, you are Alice's best friend. I would kill anyone who did that to her."_

_I blushed and he called me out._

"_What? Is my sister no longer virgo intacto?" he asked me._

"_Edward, you know she has been sneaking to Jasper's for years, I think that ship sailed about three years ago. But she has only been with him," I hurriedly added._

"_I guess I am no longer in a position where I can go punch his face in, after this," he sighed._

_He dried my body and his own and led me to his bed, ripping off the stained sheets and replacing them expertly. We lay down and he pulled me close and wrapped his body around mine, making up for everything. Hauling the comforter up around us, he quietly sang to me, a song that still lives inside my head and heart. He stroked my face and smiled and kissed me a few more times and I truly felt like the adult I so badly wanted to be._

"_Can we do that again?" I asked. He frowned._

"_I don't think this is a good idea. I am not against fuck buddies as such, they can be useful, but if my parents, or yours, ever heard about this..."_

"_They won't. I promise, I won't even tell Alice. Well, of course I will tell Alice but not that you are involved," I swore, his words not yet fully registering._

"_Bella, you are worth more than this. You should be having sex with someone you love, not your best friend's brother . You will meet other guys here, closer to your age. You just tell me the second one catches your eye and we will stop this and you can move on. You have a beautiful body, Bella, I am honored to be the one to touch it first but please don't waste your life on someone as unworthy as me."_

"_Why are you unworthy?" I questioned. He seemed very worthy in my eyes._

"_Because I let this happen for a start. Because I didn't refuse and send you away. Just promise me, if your feelings towards me change, either way, you will tell me, promise?"_

_I frowned._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Well, if we become friends with benefits, it means just that, friends, not lovers, and not someone you are obliged to keep having sex with when you would rather stop the arrangement. If your heart changes towards me either way, just tell me, love. I will understand and not argue, I will set you free. You are free."_

_My heart didn't feel like it would change, it loved Edward already and had for years now. I could honestly agree to what he said. My heart would not change._

_So we began, and I stupidly decided fuck buddies were better than nothing, so much better than not being in his life at all. _

_Edward taught me everything until I became expert, outercourse, oral, taking him in from the back, cowgirl, so many variations, I had no idea. I kind of pictured man on top as being 'sex' and never thought beyond that. So much to learn and he taught me gently, with patience, and afterwards always took me to his shower and washed me gently, kissing my wet skin, and my nights were always spent with his body caged protectively around mine. He became my protector and got me out of a few jams, helping me refuse dates when I couldn't think of a reason why, I could hardly tell the boys the real reason I had no interest in them. _

_I feared walking through the quad and always looked around nervously, James seemed to have a knack of knowing when I would be here and when Edward wouldn't be beside me. Sometimes we walked to class together, it didn't seem to bother him that others assumed things about us. I know the assumptions were the truth but it still surprised me that he didn't worry about anyone else's reaction._

_His friends knew who I was, maybe what I was, the girls often bit back a smirk, like they knew he was merely passing time with me, but I preferred my own illusions. I was in his bed, they weren't. They may think it made me a lesser person because we didn't date, he still went to parties and gatherings of his fellow students alone, and to be honest I didn't even want to know what he did there or whether he went home with any other girls. Some nights he didn't come back to the apartment but you can't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer, so I pretended he had slept on the couch and cooked his breakfast with a smile. His face was often closed to me at these times, though sometimes if I caught him coming in the front door as I was walking to the kitchen, he looked abashed and almost embarrassed, like a child doing something wrong as his mother walked into the room._

_The one time I spoke about it, giving him an out, asking if he had slept at James', he became defensive and pointed out I was not his keeper, so I never went down that road again._

_I wasn't his keeper but I kidded myself I was his something, and wished he would treat me like I deserved more._

_I was in way over my head but he was my first everything and I had nothing to compare it to._

_He went through dark times when he decided what we were doing was wrong, and he slept in what had been my bed, but it never lasted. I just kept sleeping in his bed, our bed, and waited for him to give in and come back to me and he always did._

_The first night back he would be needy and almost rough, desperate to get us back to where we had been, then he would calm and life would slip back to how it had been, us in his bed together every night. _

_Sometimes boys from my classes would approach us and sum up the lack of a real relationship and boldly ask me out on dates._

_Edward told them my father carried a gun at all times and he was there to make sure no boys bothered me._

_We talked about and ruled out anal sex, he said it was good in the respect it was tight but his dick did not get gripped all along it's length like in vaginal sex so he was not a fan of it, which relieved one of my fears. I just couldn't imagine letting him put THAT in a place not made for it._

_The subject of a better form of contraception came up when I had moved into his bedroom, being in his bed every night anyway, and he noticed I did not take my Pill in front of him._

"_I get injections " I hurriedly improvised, glad the girl who sat beside me in my English Lit lectures tended to tell me everything about herself and her sex life and her boyfriend._

"_Really? Carlisle doesn't like giving them to girls your age. Who did it?" he questioned. He knew every bloody doctor in the area so I lied again._

"_I had it done when I was visiting Renee in Florida. She thought it was for the best."_

_He nodded and accepted the lie,_

"_You need to find someone here as well, you have to get them right on time to be fully covered."_

"_I do know that Edward, I am an adult," I replied and I sweated it out each month, glad when I could tell him each time I was menstruating. He didn't let a little thing like blood stop us and we continued as before._

_I lay in his arms at night and wondered how I could change what we shared into more, into what I craved. Samantha's party was looming so I asked Edward if he would take me. There wouldn't be any of his friends there , maybe that is why he agreed._

_We walked into her apartment together and she smiled at Edward and I shivered, feeling like she was intruding on my territory. She had a reputation for sleeping with anyone, and I got the feeling she may have been with Edward already, but I shook it off._

"_Edward, welcome, it's been a while ," she said, her mouth smiling and her eyes laughing._

"_Samantha," he replied, needing no introduction, confirming my fears._

_They grinned at one another and she finally led us to the bar and handed out drinks._

"_You know Samantha?" I asked._

"_Only in the broadest terms, I know nothing about her really," he answered, putting an arm around my shoulders and leading us to a seat outside on her balcony._

"_You have slept with her," I stated._

"_Bella, I have slept with a lot of girls, there's no point getting annoyed whenever you run into one of them. I sleep with you now, only you," he assured me._

"_Really? What about the nights you don't come home?" I asked. I was already in the mood to ruin this night so I may as well find out some things I wanted to know._

"_Some nights things just get on top of me and I get freaked out about what we are doing and I can't make myself go home. I feel so guilty and irresponsible and like I have lost my soul, Bella, but when I am with you, it just feels right and okay and nice. I swear I do not sleep with other girls now. Not since that first night together. Why would I need to , you do everything I ask, you are a superior fuck buddy," he smirked._

"_Superior to who?" I asked. _

"_I tried this ...arrangement once before but the girl got clingy and tried to turn it into something it wasn't. I had to shake her off. I have my plan mapped out, I do not intend dating anyone with a view to anything permanent until I am qualified and working at Fork's. I don't have the time or the energy just now for anything more. I like how we are, casual, happy, non demanding of one another."_

_I didn't want to rock the boat but it still sent a knife into my heart to know we were casual, nothing more, nothing meaningful, nothing with a future._

"_Let's get out of here," he said, as a group of blond skinny older girls came out on the balcony, several looked at Edward in recognition and I had a feeling they were girls he had used and left behind already._

_He drove us to a restaurant and ordered pasta dishes and we helped ourselves from each, taking mushroom ravioli and spaghetti bolognaise and seafood marinara in equal quantities onto our plates. I knew it wasn't a real date but it felt like one so I kept the bits I liked and banished the rest._

_Maybe those blond's just knew him from classes._

_Edward started telling me a story about one of his friends, and I listened and laughed at the right places and it felt like we were connecting on a new level, a level I wanted and needed._

"_So, he hides her in the closet and his Mom decides to clean his entire bedroom and she is trapped in there for two hours while he is there, trying to convince his Mom she needs to go do laundry or bake a cake or shop, anything but clean his bedroom._

_Then he just about has a heart attack when she suggests they 'tackle that mess in the closet', and he fakes a severe migraine hitting him instantly and falls to his knees, moaning she has to go get him some extra strength painkillers from the drug store in town._

_I don't think he ever saw Felicity again but it was just as well because she never stopped glaring if any of us so much as mentioned his name."_

"_Have you had any close shaves with Esme?" I ask._

"_Bella, I am never talking to you about other girls, ever. They are nothing to do with us, they are in my past and that's where girl's stay once we are done. I don't go back for a second anything."_

_So, now I knew. I had blown everything by doing this, had I just been patient and waited until he finished here and came back to Fork's and made my move then, I might have had him in a different way, a real, proper way, a way that may have led to more._

_I wondered if I would even return to Fork's. now, running into him and his new girlfriend was not something I would want to experience, especially knowing they were not like me and the ones before me, they were the ones he would be looking for something more with._

_I would be on the outside, watching him choose her and marry and have small copper haired babies and I would be the family friend._

_I shut my eyes tightly that night when he used my body and he seemed oblivious to why._

"_Bella, I like watching your eyes when you come, please don't close them," he said as he moved inside me._

_I wished he didn't know every inch of me so well, he played me like he played his piano, knowing where to hit what note and how to make me make the sweetest sounds as he touched me. He took me over the edge triumphantly with him, laughing at my feeble efforts to fight it._

"_Why did you do that, you know your body loves mine, and mine knows exactly what yours likes. You can't resist, let's just enjoy each other while we can."_

_I slept in my old room for the next week, pleading some imaginary illness which he didn't buy but he was puzzled about what was wrong._

_His solution was both the best and worst one he could have tried._


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 2 Part 2_

_Edward's Poem: Because You Are My Friend by Joanna Fuchs_

_The Past_

_I was congratulating myself on doing a good job of avoiding Edward, managing to change some classes around so I had a two hour break in the middle of the day, and I used that time to do our cooking, shopping, cleaning, all while he was out at class himself. This meant I now had evening classes instead and that suited me fine. I would sneak inside, so ironic, a teenager sneaking inside to avoid the man she loved, rather than sneaking out to meet him._

_I usually made it into my bedroom and had the door locked before Edward realized and came knocking._

"_Bella, can we please at least have one single conversation about this. If you have met someone, just tell me. We both knew the rules, if you want me to find another girl just say so and I will do it. I would never ask you to do anything you didn't want to, you know that. Please talk to me, Bella. Is anything wrong?"_

_He usually stopped after thirty minutes or so , and I just listened to my music until he gave up._

_Saturday morning would be harder, no classes but I could go sit outside Samantha's door until she tossed out last night's lover and maybe she would let me hang with her all weekend. She had a spare bedroom, maybe I could stay over and go home after class Monday._

_I opened my bedroom door, his door was closed, unusually, and I stopped dead._

_Shit._

_Did he have my replacement in there with him? His door was always open. Always._

_He undressed and dressed in front of me, sometimes as he was grabbing a hurried breakfast if we had slept in or gotten distracted, so he didn't feel any need to hide his body from me._

_I tiptoed out to the kitchen and grabbed a drinking yogurt and opened the front door stealthily._

_I made it down the staircase and opened my car door and slid in, shrieking when I realized someone was in the passenger seat._

"_Edward!" I growled, my hand on my chest, my heart beating out of control._

"_If you won't talk to me in our apartment, I have to resort to being devious," he replied, his eyes narrowed and angry._

"_Okay, well you have me trapped now, talk," I answered, just as angry._

"_Bella, please tell me what's happening. I miss you so much."_

"_I..I just ...sometimes it feels wrong."_

"_I know, I go through phases like that too, but please talk to me."_

"_You stay out all night when you get doubts," I retorted. "At least I have only run to my own bed."_

"_Bella, I swear, I have not been with anyone else since the first time we..."_

_I waited, I wished he would say the words. I was obviously a masochist because he would never use the term 'made love', it would be, at best, 'had sex', most likely it would be the simple truth, 'fucked'._

"_Don't you want us to do that any more?" he asked me quietly. "We can just be friends, then, I told you I would never force you to keep the arrangement if your heart changed, Clearly you don't like me much any more."_

_My heart hammered in denial, if I didn't like him much it would be so easy, I could keep doing the arrangement and have it mean no more to me than it meant to him. He was right, my body loved his body and his did know exactly what to do, how to make me sing and pulse and flutter._

_I missed it like crazy and it had been only a week._

"_Sometimes I get sick of us only ever doing that together. Going to that restaurant was the first time we have gone out together, really. I know we are not dating, I know I mean nothing to you, but if we are friends, why don't we ever do anything friends do?" I asked._

"_You do mean something to me, you mean more to me than I want you to," he replied angrily._

_He slumped in his seat and dragged on his hair._

"_Bella, we can do things friends do, let's go somewhere, now. Let's just spend the day hanging out together. Let's go to the beach."_

_I started the car and drove silently, ignoring the looks I could see him shooting at me out of the corner of his eyes._

_The car park was deserted this early so I parked in the spot closest to the sand and we both alighted. Edward walked to my side and took my hand, entwining our fingers and kissing my knuckles._

"_You are my best friend and I hate it when we don't talk," he said._

_I avoided his eyes, not wanting to read if he really just meant he missed fucking._

_He led us along the sand, close to the ebbing tide, forcing me into a run, kicking up the water and splashing me._

"_Edward!" I shrieked , laughing._

_He let me go and I ran away, with him close on my heels. He dropped me with a tackle and we rolled on the sand together. I ended up on my back and he was above me and he smiled that devastating smile and leaned in, his eyes questioning, and kissed me._

_I relaxed and let my arms fall slack onto the sand and he lifted me at the waist, so my arms trailed down onto the ground as he held me tightly and kissed me over and over again._

"_I missed you so much," he sighed, resting his forehead on mine._

_I stayed for a moment, then wriggled free, not wanting him to utter any lies to keep me in his bed. I ran towards the fishermen tossing their nets out into the sea. We were the only ones here other than them and several looked at us and laughed at Edward's silent swiftness as he snuck up and grabbed me in a bridal hold and carried me into the water, threatening to drop me as I squealed and clasped my hands around his neck._

"_I won't drop you, I wouldn't let you fall, Bella," he promised. He walked us back to the sand, his devastating green eyes fixed on mine, his mind going at a thousand miles an hour._

_He lifted me closer and stood on the waterline, kissing me and staring into my eyes in turn._

"_Marry me, Bella," he said then his whole face froze in shock at what he had said._

_I looked into his eyes, they were so confused, so scared, so stricken._

_We stared at one another for a full minute, then I burst out laughing. He took it as permission and joined in._

"_I see no sex does make Edward go crazy insane," I laughed and he shook his head._

"_I have no idea where that came from," he sighed, then he grinned with me._

"_Put me down and give me a three minute start," I challenged him._

"_Three minute? I could catch you with a thirty minute start," he scoffed, back to his normal self again._

"_Five minute," I challenged, grabbing his wrist and setting the timer on his watch._

_I ran like the wind and made good headway but Edward was very fast and I was in his arms maybe six minutes after he let me go._

"_You cannot escape me, Swan," he laughed, kissing my throat and carrying me back along the sand. He suddenly dropped me to my feet and turned, swinging me up on his back._

"_Edward,"I squealed as he hitched my legs around his waist and ran towards the car, keeping in the very shallows and spraying water up everywhere surrounding us._

_He turned at the last minute and headed for the deeper water and dropped me off his back when we hit waist deep._

_Edward pulled me out past the breakers and we were treading water, looking about at the deep aqua swirling ocean. He held me close and made me float on my back while he held me up , then he floated beside me once he was sure I was steady._

"_Look at the clouds, so different to at home. So light and puffy like candyfloss," I said._

"_That one looks like Jessica, look at the long nose," he laughed._

"_Edward, she does not have a long nose, she just thinks she does, don't be mean."_

"_Sorry, me bad. I hope there aren't any sharks circling beneath us," he casually commented._

_I turned over and lay face down and looked under the clear water. Tiny fish drifted in the undertow, and the ocean floor seemed to be closer than it was. I wasn't nervous about sharks, Jacob and I had swum among them, accidentally, a few times and we had stayed calm and been ignored. I would never go near one on purpose but maybe I was not their flavor, not to their taste._

_I shut down that line of thought, wishing I was Edward's flavor was pointless._

_I poked my head up to fill my lungs with air and then swam into shore, the waves were tiny and harmless at the moment and I was soon laying on the sand._

_Edward was a tiny dot and I shut my eyes and felt the tide rush to cover me shallowly then recede and leave me exposed to the sun again._

_A shadow covered most of me and I opened my eyes._

"_Come on, little mermaid, we need sustenance."_

_Edward opened the trunk and handed me a towel and stripped off under his, tossing his wet clothes inside and pulling on a pair of brand new faded denim jeans I was suppose to take to be hemmed for him and forgot about._

_He opened a bag from a dress shop and tossed me the sundress inside._

_I ripped the tags off and slipped it over my nakedness and took the towel away. My wet clothing lay in a soggy heap on the ground and he started wringing them out, grinning at my g string._

"_Ooo, Miss Swan, how come you never wear that for me?"_

_I tossed it in the boot and straightened the shirred top of the dress. I had been going to return it as it was far too bright for me, a mid blue color that needed blue eyes to match, not my boring brown set. Alice had insisted I buy it and it was on sale and hardly cost anything, and now I had worn it so it just became part of my wardrobe._

"_You look amazing in that color," Edward said, sounding surprised._

"_Gee, thanks, Edward, that sounded like you didn't think I could look good in anything," I replied._

"_Your skin is so pale, I just figured you would suit paler colors, pastels, but the blue looks amazing. Your skin looks like cream."_

_He walked up and touched my cheek._

"_Sometimes I have no idea what to say to you, sometimes you make me say far more than I want to."_

_I had no idea what he meant, he rarely said much of a personal nature to me at all._

"_I guess what I mean is, you are dear to me. I know I am fucked up and confused and lost but you are special, you are dear to my heart. Different times, different place, we could have been something, Bella."_

_I guess that was as good as it ever was going to get._

_That night we lay in our bed together and although he kissed me and stroked the sides of my body, he seemed to sense I wasn't ready to fall back into my former role yet and he kept things light and sweet, nuzzling my neck, and holding me in close to his chest as we slept. I really needed this change, I had felt like I needed to go and get far away from him lately._

_Sunday he took me to the markets and bought me a big, shady hat and a beautifully embroidered long hippie skirt from a vintage clothes seller. It was every colour of the rainbow, bright and happy and screamed Summer, and joy and freedom. Her stuff was awesome, and Edward looked through everything, wanting a top to match, settling on a black peasant blouse with a little embroidery at the neck._

_He bought himself a soft cream poet shirt, with almost full sleeves and more muted embroidery on the front. It had swirls and leaves and the occasional bloom, in purples and green and orange. It was so different to what he normally wore. His wardrobe was full of neat button shirts in every color and the same amount in black. His jean collection was vast, everything from pale, faded light blue denim artfully torn and aged with flared legs, to sleek, shiny waxed black denim skinnys. Mostly he wore fitted navy Cavalli's that made his ass look awesome, the man had a way with scissors, of that there was no doubt, but having Edward wear them must have boosted sales immeasurably, and I had noticed a lot of his friends were starting to wear them as well._

"_Where would you wear that?" I asked, laughing._

"_Not around Emmett, he would take away my man card," Edward replied."Maybe only when I am with you."_

_A man sat with piles of handmade leather goods surrounding his seat and Edward chose a belt for himself and then a beautifully decorated handbag he insisted I had to have, and a pair of Jesus sandals for each of us, and we went and changed in the Bathrooms._

_I looked like photos of Renee, right out of the 80's. He looked softer and more gentle and pretty and I stroked his hair and kissed his lips tenderly. This was the Edward I always wanted to see, the same one who allowed me to watch him play piano and treated his mother like the flower she was._

_He twirled me around by one hand and watched the skirt billow out and catch the sun as it hit the tiny mirrors sewn into it's folds, reflecting the sunlight and splitting it's rays into every color of the rainbow._

"_I know exactly where you need to wear this skirt," he whispered, putting his mouth at my ear. _"_I will show you when we are home at Fork's. I have a meadow and you look like you belong in it."_

_I was puzzled but determined to keep this Edward here as long as possible so I merely smiled and kissed his cheek._

_We ate hotdogs and fries and drank milkshakes sitting on a vast expanse of grass and he lay back and played with the ends of my hair as I sat reading the book of poems he had bought me from a book stall. The book was tattered and much read, it's pages spotty and darkened with age, but the words were pretty and light and Edward took it from me and found a poem he liked._

Because you are my friend,

my life is enriched in a myriad of ways.

Like a cool breeze on a sweltering day,

like a ray of sunshine parting glowering clouds,

you lift me up.

In good times, we soar,

like weightless balloons

over neon rainbows.

In bad times, you are soothing balm

for my pummeled soul.

I learn so much from you;

you help me see old things in new ways.

I wonder if you are aware

of the bright seeds you are sowing in me.

I'm a better person for knowing you,

so that everyone I interact with

is touched by your good effect on me.

You relax me, refresh me, renew me.

Your bounteous heart envelops me

in joy and love and peace.

May your life be filled

with dazzling blessings,

just as I am blessed

by being your friend.

_I sat with my head on my knees and listened and hoped some of the words were true. I wanted to be his friend, if that was all there was to chose from._

_That night as we lay contentedly in each other's arms, I forgave whatever it was he had done to hurt me so, and I refused to dwell on it any more, and encouraged him to make love, or have sex or just fuck me again._

_He had never promised me anything and I was allowing him to treat me however he chose, and although it seemed this way was better, with the outings and weekends together, I knew it just made things worse in many ways. Now it was like he was giving me glimpses of what I could have had if only I had waited._

_I did consider leaving him, and getting a dorm but the damage was done. He never went back for seconds, once the year was over we were done anyway so why not squeeze every single drop of happiness, yes, happiness, that I could?_

_The next Friday night he took me openly to a dinner at a resort with his classmates for someone's engagement , and after we ate and talked with the others at our table, he asked me to dance with him._

_I felt a lot of eyes on us, no doubt they were wondering why suddenly he was taking me out in public, not keeping me behind closed doors but I refused to let anyone mar this night. He ignored the type of song playing and kept dancing with me clasped to his chest, and he sang the words of each song so softly only I could hear him._

_After an hour or so, a few men asked to cut in and dance with me and Edward kept refusing, dancing me away to the other side of the square each time, leaving them standing there confused in our wake. I would have been confused if I was thinking logically. He dodged the many girls who smiled and licked their lips openly at the sight of him in his all black, and he would turn us so he was no longer looking their way._

_James danced up beside us and introduced his date, a girl named Siobhan, and he offered for us to swap partners._

"_No thanks James," Edward said immediately._

"_Oh I forgot, Edward does not share his fuck buddies with anyone else," he smirked and moved away._

"_Okay, we need to get out of here, now," Edward said crossly._

_I grabbed my bag and said a hurried goodbye to the others at the table and Edward grabbed my hand and led me down the far back of the property, opening a gate in the fence, and we were in a dark, adjoining resort that had a notice on it's dining room doorway saying that the kitchen was closed due to illness of the chef._

_There were no lights on in any room, so maybe the whole thing was empty._

_He led me around the building , obviously he had been here before, to an enclosed swimming pool, and opened the gate._

_I followed his lead and stripped naked and he jumped in the deep end as I walked slowly down the pool ladder. It was surprisingly warm and the only sound was the filter clicking as it cleaned, and the distant laughs from the party we had left._

_I swam the length of the pool looking for Edward, and he emerged when I got about halfway, standing up suddenly after being submerged. He caught me in his arms and held me close, my feet off the bottom as I clasped around his neck, and his hands explored my back chastely. He started to dance, turning us slowly in the water, whispering the song words in my ear. I was waiting for the sex, assuming he had brought me here for some outdoor fucking, but he made no move to even touch me sexually. My naked breasts were squashed between us, and at most, his hands occasionally lowered to caress my ass cheeks, but he didn't push his erection into me, or even rub it against my area at all._

_Suddenly he stopped still and I rested my head on his shoulder and he simply kissed my face and held me tighter._

_Who knows what was going on in his head? He finally released me and we swam quietly, each trying to outdo the other in speed and endurance and the mood was gone, changed, to fun and friendship again._

_I couldn't help wishing we had longer. He seemed to have moments now, like that one, where he forgot the rules of fuck buddying, and almost crossed the line to something more. If only he had another year here, I was sure in a year things could change and he could see the light._

_Our weekends were full of mainly outings we did alone; the few times we went with his friends, he soon wanted to go off alone, but I no longer thought it was because he didn't see me worthy of his friends, it seemed to me more like he wanted to spend our time alone together, without being polite and socialising with the others._

_He took me to the cinema, and we shared popcorn and salty, buttery kisses, nothing more; he took me to dinner every Saturday night at a new restaurant unless the meal was so fabulous we went back again the next week,and he took me dancing, a lot._

_During the week he was different, it was business as usual, I was there for his use and to keep house, but he was snapping into his beautiful Edward persona more and more, sometimes it leaked over into Mondays and the harsher , colder, more controlling Edward didn't emerge until Tuesdays, and sometimes he was gone again by Thursday night._

_Just as I was wondering if eventually the nice Edward would smother the more unkind version, he changed, and snapped us back to our earlier standing, no more weekend outings. He spent his nights studying, but it was his finals approaching, so I excused his behaviour and just quietly mourned the disappearance of the Edward I loved._

_He looked at me, bleary eyed when I tiptoed in with coffee at intervals, and his eyes were always warm as I walked in, then he would control himself and just let the green go cold and glassy, and nod a curt thanks for the drink._

_I leaned against the kitchen counter and wondered why the hell I was still here. He clearly was pulling away, he either dropped into our bed exhausted and slept immediately or even stayed in the other bedroom, never even pretending he was doing it not to disturb my sleep._

_Despite all this, my exams held no challenge and I aced through them confidently._

_That was what I was here for, an education, nothing was getting in the way, just as nothing was veering Edward from his chosen path._

_He was leaving me, but before he physically left._

_Sex was infrequent and cold and mechanical and he didn't take care to make me enjoy it as well, he was selfish and often angry. I wished he would just stop completely, and leave me alone to mourn._

_Then the day came._

_The day he informed me college was done for him in a week and he would be heading off for pasture's new. Or old, seeing he was going home to Fork's to work beside his father._

_The same day the plastic stick smiled at me after I peed on it and waited the required minutes._

"_Edward, we need to talk," I said, as he was packing. I had tried so hard to force the words out all week but he would say something about how much he was looking forward to starting his new life as a doctor and assuring me I would always have a 'special place in his heart' no matter who he dated when he got back to Fork's. _

_That was the biggest wake up call that there really was still nothing between us on his part. He had turned off the Edward I loved so much and become the cold, uncaring, Edward who knew what he wanted and refused to be side tracked._

"_Bella, I am not staying. It's been fun, hey, I won't forget you, we will be running into each other back in Forks after you graduate. But you knew this had a shelf life of one year. You knew I would be moving out and moving on. You can keep the apartment, Carlisle knows you are living here, just not which room you sleep in. He is happy to keep paying for it, and the utilities. Get yourself a room mate. I don't like the thought of you being alone. Remember our pact, we tell nobody. Right?"_

"_Right," I replied. "I was not going to tell anyone, ever."_

_It seemed that he was not about to pledge his troth or whatever, we were fuck buddies still. No, not even that now._

"_Edward, I need some money," I finally cried in fear._

"_Why?" he asked, taking out his wallet. He had covered all our bills and expenses and bought my clothes and books even, and I had never gotten that part time job. The pantry and freezer were full, he had taken me shopping and bought months of supplies to give me some leeway while I job searched._

_I guess I was a kept woman, in full meaning of the saying._

_I showed him the stick and shut my eyes in panic._

"_Bella! Fuck me, Bella! I thought you had Depo Provera!" he yelled._

"_I kind of lied," I admitted. He was as white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf as he sank onto the bed._

"_Shit, shit, shit, why now? You have to finish college, you have to have a life. Bella, I never wanted this to happen. What are we going to do?"_

"_Get rid of it?" I whispered, hoping with all my soul he would reject that option._

"_Bella," he cried out, dragging his hands through his hair._

_He stood and paced the floor._

"_Charlie will kill us, my parents will be devastated, we will be forced into a loveless marriage, shit, Bella..."_

"_I'm sorry, Edward. I will handle this alone," I insisted._

_Loveless marriage? I mean absolutely nothing to him, then._

"_Get it done somewhere safe. I will ask James where you should go. Fuck Bella, I have to leave tonight. I wish you didn't have to do this alone. I will change my flight and call Carlisle, see if I can start my residency late."_

_He reached for his cell._

"_No, he will want to know why. Just do whatever you have to and I will take Samantha with me, she has been through this twice already," I told him. "In fact, just give me the money and I will get her to arrange everything."_

_Edward left but was back with an envelope full of cash and he handed it over._

"_Bella, I can't believe I was so blind. And stupid. Maybe we could..." . His eyes were wild, flicking at the door and back, he wanted to run._

"_Go," I said, smiling to show him I meant it._

_Samantha knocked on the door and Edward invited her in. He grabbed her cell phone and put his number in it._

"_You need to make sure she goes somewhere safe and clean and professional, hang the cost, I have put money into your account as well , Bella, use it. God, why didn't you tell me last week? I want to be here for you."_

"_Stop panicking and go," I ordered._

"_I will take good care of her, I have been through this four times, actually" said Samantha and Edward paled further._

"_Oh, at least it means I know where to get it done safely," she hissed._

"_There is that, but get yourself on the Pill for God's sake, you can't use...this...as a contraceptive device," he growled. "Call me, when it's done," he ordered my newish friend._

"_Edward, I am sorry," I told him._

_He came back inside and kissed me and held me tight._

"_God, Bella, I just wish... Be safe." His lips touched the top of my head again and I wished he would just leave._

_Whatever it was that he wished I will never know, but he left and I lay on our bed and cried my heart out._

"_Well, there's no time like the present," said Samantha, pulling out her phone, making an immediate emergency booking, granted because she was a 'regular'._

"_I don't know if I can do this," I admitted as she made me change into soft loose sweats and a tshirt and hoodie.._

_As it turned out, I couldn't. The moment the nurse came to explain how it would be done, I rushed to the toilet and vomited up the nothing that was in my empty stomach._

_I got my part time job, and Edward came back one last time, to reassure himself Samantha had not lied, I had survived, and was well and unharmed. I spent a night in his arms, chastely, he was not going down that road again. Just as well, the telltale brown line from belly button down would have alerted him that all was not said and done._

_He was settling into his new job, and glad to be home in Forks, back with all his family, but he was so pale, almost gray and I knew I was the cause._

"_I still can't believe that happened. Me, a medical student, the man most knowledgeable about preventing little slip-ups like that. We have to let it go and forget this ever happened, Bella."_

_I agreed and stole as many of his kisses as I could, even though they were thoughtlessly given, with little meaning to him. _

_He was always receiving texts, which he answered immediately, often laughing as he read them, walking outside to type in private. He was here but not here, his mind and heart were back in Forks still._

_He looked different, resigned, relieved, ready to mark the file closed. He seemed impatient to leave and I barely felt the peck on my hair as he waved vaguely and ran for his flight._

_I didn't hear from him again. I had been consigned to yesterday's life, no longer part of his present and definitely not wanted in his future._

_xxx xxx xxx_

_Seven months later I signed the papers and handed our son over to the parents I had decided were the best of those in the book the agency gave me. I had met them three times by the time he was born, and I was sure he would have a good life._

_My life would suck, devoid of his kicks and jostling that had nudged me ever since I reached midway through the pregnancy but it was done._

_Charlotte and Peter assured me I had made their lives complete and promised to love my son every day of his life and to send me a photo every birthday, on my birthday, which was coincidentally his birthday as well. They had not turned a hair when I lied and said he was the result of a drunken frat party and thus his father was unknown. It seemed like a small lie, compared to what else I was doing._

_I kissed the top of his head and assured him I was doing this for him and it was for the best._

_I had no money and no hope of a decent income unless I finished my course, Edward didn't want me and had made it plain by his actions he didn't want his son, Charlie would be devastated to have to begin again and work forever supporting us if I kept the baby and took some lowly paid job in the diner._

_And I could never look Carlisle and Esme, and Alice, in the face again if they knew what we had been doing and the tragedy it ended with._

_It was for the best, my brain accepted it, it was my heart I had issues with._

_His hair was nondescript brown, thank God, and his eyes slate gray, not a real color. Had he been born with copper hair and green eyes..._

_I would have rather died than had to hand him over myself. The agency sent a woman to do that for me, and I kissed him for me and for Edward, surely he would not begrudge his firstborn one kiss, given without his knowledge. That night as I lay in the hospital bed, I wished I had died during the delivery, once he was safely born. It would have been better for everyone._

_My belly was empty, cold, unneeded, as was I._

_I was nothing now, merely an empty shell where Bella had been. A body Edward had used, and come to regret touching, we were nothing but an embarrassment to him, something he needed to fix and discard._

_I wanted to keep his money so I could throw it in his face but I didn't, it filled the gap when I had become too fat to serve behind the ice cream parlour counter, and there were hospital bills. It was all gone, spent, and spent as he wanted it to be, on ridding his life of his unwanted baggage._

_Samantha proved to be a real friend and she covered for me with my father, who called while I was pushing, how about that timing? She was holding my hand, and she answered the phone, assuring Charlie I was briefly out at the supermarket._

_I had kept up my grades and refused to miss any lectures and was back in full working order three days later, so it was more as if I had had a chill than a child._

_xxx xxx xxx_

_I did brilliantly at my course and I stayed at the apartment during breaks rather than visit Forks but Edward and Alice and Jasper would have none of that, and they visited me once a year, every year,_

_The first time just months after the birth._

_Emmett and Rose were with them that time and I was nervous as hell._

_Emmett laughed and swung me into his arms and whispered in my ear."Bella, be careful, it looks like you are enjoying your own cooking a little too much."_

_Alice told me it was very common to put on a few pounds when you first escaped from home, and I should simply exercise more, Edward just looked sad and defeated, his eyes sunken and lifeless, he was barely even there._

_Ali and Jas stayed in the spare bedroom, Edward shared my bed, and strictly only my bed, and Emm and Rose stayed at some swanky hotel we all ate dinner at._

_All was fine until they announced their first son was on his way, over the meal and I avoided looking at Edward's eyes lest I reveal anything that had been locked away in a little box by then._

_I had hidden the hospital photo, laminated to prevent it disintegrating from my tears, and they all went home none the wiser, no doubt sure I had let myself go and gotten flabby._

_I was hard and trim and back in better shape than ever the next year, running daily, doing gym, and it was easier as time passed._

_I kept the card Charlotte sent me unopened, I could not bear to see the face of the child I had abandoned. At least in the hospital photo his eyes were shut, not looking accusingly at me._

_I kept the next card and the one after that, never opening them, but keeping them safe and sound in my drawer._

_Next thing, I had graduated and was offered a job on a magazine in New York and after a quick trip home to tell everyone, I moved back and stayed until my first book was published two years later._

_By then, I was a rare visitor to Fork's, and I assumed at some point Edward would marry and maybe invite me to his wedding._

_I went to Emmett's wedding, and Alice's wedding. I visited when babies were born and managed to remain completely removed._

_It was a distant nightmare. never to be revealed._

_Of course I regretted it, of course I wished I had found the courage to keep him or at least offer him to his father to raise, but I had done what I thought was the best, and it was far too late now._

_The baby, whose name I did not even know, was a schoolboy, and to him I was simply the biological mother who gave him away._


	4. Chapter 4

Happily Ever After With My Best Friends Brother

Edward's Story

(Sort of an outtake to the story)

The Past

_James idea of celebrating our finals was typical James, a lot of naked, willing women, a lot of booze and a lot of drugs. I went to his party but very much as a spectator._

"_Come on, Eddie, you are not going to find women like this back in Forks. Let me grab you a couple. Danni, Heather, come play with my friend. He's a little psycho because he has to leave his little fuck buddy behind."_

"_James, let it go," I warned._

"_Oh Eddie, harden the fuck up. I have seen her walking around campus looking like someone killed her favorite puppy, so I know you are doing the sensible thing and shaking her off. Now, Heather here does this thing, don't panic if you feel like you will black out, it's her specialty and Danni is a fully qualified nurse, she knows CPR. What should I give you?"_

_He opened his bag and grabbed baggie after baggie, and dropped each back in after reading the label._

"_Fucking light weight like you, nothing too strong, wouldn't want to explode your brain after eight years of slugging your guts out. Maybe...what do you think , girls?"_

_He held out a handful of blue pills and both girls grabbed two and swallowed them down, dry._

_I shook my head and backed away._

"_I really have a lot of shit to tie up before the plane trip home. I think I am going to sit this one out."_

_A lot of shit. A lot of planning, a lot of things to say to Bella._

_I have to know if she feels like I do, about our future. If she agrees with my plan. This is essential, for us to be on the same page._

_I grabbed my phone and faked answering a call and headed for my car. Bella was more important than James and his sex games._

_James would be okay, he was used to flooding his body with pharmaceuticals, I had never touched anything and was not about to start now._

_I was a little worried, I knew of Heather by reputation and from what I heard, she really did make grown men pass out with her party trick and I had always kind of wondered what that would be like, but the reality of allowing her to do that to me was vastly different to listening to the stories. And even though neither girl wore enough clothes to avoid an indecency charge if they went off the property, my dick was curiously limp and disinterested._

_It bothered me, what the fuck was going on?_

_I hadn't been fucking with anyone other than Bella, even though I knew she didn't believe me, since that first time we were together._

_I pretend to myself I don't even know why, there are no rules of monogamy for fuck buddies, but the whole idea of screwing around had seemed repugnant for the first time in my life. Maybe because she was so young and innocent. Maybe I knew she would probably hurt herself if I did, and she found out._

_Maybe just because I liked her._

_Maybe because she is mine and I am hers._

_So, shoot me, I like her. I always have._

_Carlisle picked up on it when she was about fifteen and he gave me the 'thou shall not screw thy sister's best friend' lecture, pointing out I could not legally touch her until she eighteen, EIGHTEEN EDWARD! Yeah, he yelled that bit, made it very clear Bella Swan was off the menu._

_I still watched her and enjoyed the way she idolized me openly. So sweet, and she wasn't just after my body like every other girl I have ever been with._

_Christ, the day I lost my virginity I felt like some twelve year old._

_One of James' friends, Tori, was at his place and we were smoking a little weed and just chilling out and in she walks and James starts laughing like he will never stop._

_She sits on his bed and starts getting pissed off at him, and he says, "Fuck Tori, Eddie here was just bitching about being a virgin still, and there you are! Like some fucking angel straight from Hell."_

_I blushed and looked at my phone, you never know when the President is going to randomly text you._

"_So, what's the story, Eddie? Pretty boy like you, I am guessing you have only fucked boys and now you want to try a woman?" she asked._

_I was shocked and couldn't held looking at her._

"_That's okay, James here still fucks boys, I am used to men who can't make up their minds."_

"_Why the Hell should we?" James growled. "A fuck is a fuck, who cares the gender of the ass you are in. Though girls have that little extra something, I like pussy too,"_

"_Yeah, well hows about you fuck off and Eddie and I get a little cosy?"_

_James rolled on the floor, laughing._

"_Do you want me to stay and hold your hand, Eddie? Maybe join in?"_

_He stopped laughing at that and looked eager and serious._

"_Fuck no," I managed to say, my insides fluttery and scared and, let's face it, interested in her, horrified at him._

_After James left she stripped her clothes off without a word and I followed suit, just standing there in my boxers, wondering what the hell I was letting myself in for. James had an amazing sex life though he had never told me he did boys. Just as well, I would have avoided him like the plague._

"_Get the shorts off, Eddie, you will not be needing them. Show Tori what you have."_

_I shakily let my pants drop and stood before her, my erection somehow still there._

"_God in Heaven, thank you Lord! I never encountered anyone bigger than James, but I see you could match or possibly pass his offering. Damn it, where's my measuring tape, I always have it with me?"_

_She hunted through her bag then gave up._

"_Next time I measure that and write it in my book. Now, let's start with a little mouth then we can get down to the real thing."_

"_Should I kiss you?" I asked._

_Her breasts were impressive and were definitely impressing me._

"_No, Eddie, here is how it will go. You will shut up, not say a single word to remind me what a silly little virgin you are, and Tori will fuck your brains out ten ways from Sunday and bestow a few techniques on you and you will go forth and share your expertise with the world. Now, starting from this minute, shut it and let me get to work."_

_xxx xxx xxx_

_Bella was annoying me, by not breaking down, by not begging me to stay, by not reacting much at all. I know she knew the rules, she knew I was going home. But she had to know I was feeling torn and to give her credit, she didn't play on it._

_I avoided her as much as I could and only fucked her when things were getting out of hand and my stupid brain was trying to suggest ways to keep her._

_I didn't want to keep her. Not yet._

_I did want to keep her, one day._

_Carlisle had been very explicit, his two unbreakable rules he had instilled in me where, do not leave any mess behind when you come home from college and do not bring anyone with you._

_He wanted my life to remain with them, the family, in Forks, and he feared I would get attached to some girl from France or somewhere else remote and go home with her or something, and leave my Mom ._

_My Mom has always loved me more than the others, simple fact._

_Emmett being her first, she loved him like she should. Then they lost a kid, my brother, stillborn, and a year later I was born. I think she has this idea I am that kid, reborn._

_Whatever, it made her love me the most so I had the happiest childhood ever._

_She was happy when Ali was born but Dad always said he suspected Mom loved me more than she loved him, even, and that's mega because she adores the heck out of him._

_He just didn't think she would cope if I ended up living somewhere else and he made sure there would be a place for me at Fork's Hospital._

_On paper, it must have looked ideal, Edward being captivated by a girl from Forks already, so, the story ended happily, they stay near their parents and raise kids._

_The age thing was the death blow._

_Maybe if she wasn't Alice's age and Alice's friend, maybe we could have worked around it, but my parents saw Bella as their child, almost and my father would skin me if he knew what I had done to her._

_Like, even before the...thing._

_I had always, always been very careful, I never trusted any girl who told me she was covered and safe. No matter if she could have showed me a signed document with fifteen witnesses that she was fully safe and it was impossible to impregnate her no matter what, I still would have worn a condom. And none of these new 'so thin you will never know it's there' crap, I went for heavy duty guaranteed not to burst, no matter if they did reduce sensation. At my age, that was not a problem._

_Why did I trust Bella?_

_I guess because she looked like she was too innocent to lie._

_She was a virgin, she had no game already played and practised, she was the real thing, a girl out to start her life away from Daddy and have some fun. I needed her to know from the start this was not a romance that she could blab about to Alice, or her Mom, so I spelled it out and kept things very plain, I had little time for her out of bed. But it was all part of my plan. Our time would come._

_I deliberately went out with my friends and kissed other girls and sort of dated even, I just didn't have what it took to seal the deal with them, it felt...wrong. Not a feeling I was familiar with. It would have been a step too far, even to hide what I needed to at that time._

_Then when she locked me out, shit did I panic or what?_

_I still wake up in a sweat about that "Marry me, Bella" incident. What the fuck was that about? Not part of the plan, that was certain. I have never said anything like that before. If some girl wanted commitment before letting me in her pants, I just blew her off and went for the next one in line._

_Edward Cullen does not do relationships, or romance. Yet._

_My father taught me well. I was to qualify, play around all I liked in the mean time, then get home and grow up and find a mate._

_It was the Cullen tradition._

_He had a secret possibly only I knew._

_Carlisle left a girl pregnant in college and paid child support for it for years. My Mom doesn't even know, but Dad said she would have never forgiven him, even though he knocked this woman up before he met my Mom and fell hard for her._

_They were together and all happy and shit and this girl turns up on his doorstep, and tells him he left her a little memento in college and he paid her off with his Daddy's money and got rid of her but he kept paying until the kid turned eighteen or twenty one, whatever. He has never met or seen her. He has had some communication, nothing good._

_Emmett followed the rules, and kept himself in the clear until he met Rosalie and fell in love with her, and she was a hometown girl his own age, so he did the right thing._

_I, on the other hand, nearly blew it. The answer was not one I would usually consider but knowing it would hurt my Mom, and anger my Dad and not to mention, the Chief would shoot me, well, it seemed like the sensible thing to do. And Bella was the one who suggested it._

_She didn't want the complication, and it went away and just cost me a few bucks._

_On the plane ride home, I had fucking dreams of that baby and I wanted to stop and think and find a way, maybe get her to pretend it was someone else's and I could step in and be the hero and marry her regardless and accept her stray kid as my own. My parents would hardly object to me being with her if I was saving her from a worse doom, despite the whole seven year age difference which they made me feel like was a twenty seven year gap._

_Yeah, I know, fucking madness._

_Anyway, it wasn't an issue, the deed was done by the time the plane landed._

_I was greeted and feted and treated like the homecoming king, and I quickly established my place back in Forks._

_James was working in Port Angeles so we got together for a drink or a smoke, whatever. I refused his invitation to attend a party though so he was soon avoiding me mostly._

_The final straw came a few days later when he asked me to help him with a little problem. He had knocked up some casual girl who wasn't doing anyone else but him, so it was his problem. He wanted me to assist in a procedure to end the situation and I refused outright. I didn't do medicine to end lives, I wanted to help people, and make their lives better._

"_You fucking hypocrite, it was fine to send Miss Fuckbuddy off to have her problem fixed, but someone else did the dirty work for you, right! You waved your magic moneywand and had it disappear. Not all us have cash to throw at our mistakes, Cullen."_

_I got in my car and left._

_I was speeding through town on my way home about a week after the homecoming when the Chief himself pulled me over._

"_Step out of the car, sir," he says, making me bite my lip so I didn't laugh._

_I stood beside him and handed over my licence and he stood there looking deadly fucking serious so anyone watching figured I was getting the lecture but he was, in fact, thanking me._

_I guess that was the first time it really hit home._

"_Edward, I know you have been looking out for Bella at college and keeping her safe, so this is what we are going to do. You look like you are listening to my famous lecture on speeding kills, and I will talk._

_I know I sent my little girl off into the world ill prepared, and I imagine a lot of unsavoury types tried it on with her, but she assured me you took her under your wing and looked after her like a sister, so I owe you. Taking her out of that dorm and into your apartment, I was impressed. Carlisle and I were both surprised by your sense of responsibility towards her, but you came through for us, Edward. I hope she learned enough from you to know how to keep the douchebags from her door for the next three years. It's not easy raising a girl without a mother, and I had my own issues, and never really explained to her how the average male thinks, Edward, so I am glad she ended up with one of the few trustworthy men, helping her out. Thank you._

_This is not a free pass to speed and pull anything worse, but I can be lenient, I know doctors have to get places in a hurry, you keep it close to the speed limit and we can talk. Now say 'Yes Chief, I won't do it again' and get out of here. Have a nice day and say Hi to your folks."_

"_I won't do it again" I choked out and got in my car and sat there until the looks he was giving me warned me to go._

_My hands were shaking and I drove away, stopping on the road home to fall out my door and vomit onto the road._

_Oh yes, I kept his little girl from the douchebags and kept her safe._

_I fucked her myself instead._

_I got her knocked up at eighteen._

_I sent her to an abortion clinic._

_Waved my magic moneywand._

_I drove home and stayed close to home after that, not being able to face him again._

_Gradually my shame died down and I worked hard and slept a lot and woke screaming sometimes, my Mom was worried, my Dad said it was just me settling in._

_I asked him what he thought about me going back to medical school to specialize, so I could make sure Bella was okay for the next three years. I would treat her like I should have in the first place, just protect her and keep her safe from men like me. Then bring her home and marry her, stuff them all, she would be 21 and allowed to make her own choices. He knocked the idea on the head. Forks did not need a specialist, that was not part of his plan._

_I rallied, and one day in town I met a girl named Bree. I had seen her around and we were just talking about people we knew in common, and Emmett and Rose walked around the corner, him carrying several bags of clothing Rose had bought._

_I intended asking Bree out on a date so when Rose suggested we all go get a drink, we followed them into the coffee shop. _

_Emm was shooting looks at me the whole time and grinning, and he pulled me aside when the girls did the bathroom routine and just about bust a gut laughing._

"_What's so funny?" I asked him angrily._

"_Edward! She is a clone of Bella Swan! What the fuck! She is the same height and weight, she dresses like her, and she has those red highlights like Bella has. Don't tell me you didn't notice? She is a ringer for our little sis! Geez, man, you want to go talk this over with a shrink, I think you are missing our little Bella, buddy."_

_I avoided Bree after that, and wondered what the heck was wrong with me. I sat in bars and looked at the obvious blond, busty types and cringed when my dick didn't even bother twitching or standing up taking note. I started buying them drinks, fondling their racks, kissing their necks, and feeling like I was not even there._

_A few times I had to excuse myself to go throw up, I had no idea what was going on._

_Maybe I had turned gay or something? Women were not doing it for me, but when I did allow myself to sit beside a man at a bar, I knew that was not it either. Men smell really bad, did you know that? I never noticed before._

_I just stayed home after that and read, and watched tv, and slept but my dreams were bad, worse than before._

_Bella and I were running along the beach, like we had but our hands weren't joined, we were too far apart for that and I kept glancing down but could only see the sand between us._

_She was laughing and happy and I was beaming, fucking beaming, at her, like some lovesick fool, and then I saw what was between us. We each held the hand of this little copper haired kid and were swinging his feet off the ground._

_I barely made it to the toilet to empty my stomach that time. Esme came in and rubbed my back and I told her I ate some questionable seafood._

_I had to sleep but I trained myself to wake up if Bella appeared in my dreams, so most nights it never got past the running on the beach, before I looked down, and I just had to wait for my heartbeat to settle down._

_I smoked a lot, way more than before, I sat out on my balcony and chain smoked until I could sleep again._

_I looked like shit, but it would pass. It was just a dream._

_Rose's pregnancy went bad around then and Carlisle was not sure he could save the baby. He admitted her at the first sign of trouble, her blood pressure was too high, her ankles swollen, she was losing her breath just walking._

_Dad was torn, the baby was too immature to live outside the womb, but Rose's life was in danger._

_He talked to Emmett and told him he may have to make a choice if things got worse and Emmett immediately chose Rose._

_He loved her so much, he was willing to sacrifice his own child to make sure she was not in danger. I knew how badly he wanted that kid, it was all he talked about, he had painted the nursery and bought all sorts of stuff the boy wouldn't even need until he was ten. He had baseball mitts and footballs and all sorts of shit._

_Rose was trying to direct him towards cribs and little clothes and soft toys and he was just going crazy, seeing the future like it was just around the corner, like he and his son would be out tossing a ball to each other the day after he was born._

_It was not some baby he was sacrificing, it was his son, his grown boy, his future._

_I was putting in extra time at the hospital to sit beside Rose when Dad was home sleeping, I rarely slept anyway so it was no effort. I watched her blood pressure and kept her hopes up and just prayed to God this baby would live._

_They needed him to live and be okay and Esme was so stressed out, reliving the loss of her own baby, it was a dark time for us all. Dad had his hands full, what with Mom at home and Rose at work, but he kept all his balls in the air and juggled them properly._

_I worked, then ate, then sat with Rose and Emmett, who rarely left her side._

_I did the scans and showed them their son, but it was just some shadowy image, it meant little to me, other than medically being able to assess he was getting enough oxygen and was growing._

_I was actually asleep when Dad made the decision the time had come, and I assisted in the delivery. It went as planned, Rose was induced, she progressed well, their heartbeats were fine, then suddenly my Dad put this bloody, writhing, screaming thing in my hands and cut the cord and I was shocked._

_It looked like Emmett, and was real._

_It was a person, a small, loud human being._

_I stood there like some statue and Carlisle had to speak to me, remind me to hand the kid over to it's parents._

_I laid it on Rose's chest and walked out of the room, and did the usual vomiting thing in the men's room then I stripped off my scrubs and went for a walk and knew what I had done._

_I had killed my own child._

_It had never been this real before._

_Glimpses in my dreams of us with a child, it was not real, just a projection of my fears?_

_But seeing, holding, baby Adam, was different. The blood on my hands as I held him,_

_the blood of my own child, dripping off my hands as Emmett's son screamed and lived and breathed._

_I avoided them as much as I could, I never looked in that perspex bassinet. I pretended to, and I said the things we had to, how he looked like Emmett, how he was so big and strong and apparently, beautiful._

_I needed a distraction so I went back to learning music again, furthering my piano skills, composing, anything busy._

_I managed to be studying for my music exams whenever they visited and I just called out a quick hello, and kissed Rose on the cheek and let my sight glaze over as I looked at the blanket, not what it held, and went back to my room._

_One night I was sleeping deeply, dreamlessly, and I heard this terrible noise._

_I woke up with a start and the whole house was vibrating with this anguished cry._

_I knew it was my child, screaming as it was destroyed._

_I ran downstairs, intent on getting out, and there was Esme, walking the floor with the bundle, trying to calm it down._

"_Edward, did he wake you? He has a mighty pairs of lungs, this boy. Do you want to hold him? See if you can calm him while I get him a bottle, maybe he is hungry again?"_

_I took him because she thrust him into my arms and he silenced immediately, like turning off a tap._

_His eyes were wide open and he stared into mine, and he knew what I had done._

_I thrust him back at Esme and got the Hell out , driving around the cliffs at La Push, walking to their edge, looking down, wondering if a fall from there was a guaranteed death._

_I caught a plane and went to talk to Bella, after not speaking to her since my reluctant visit with Ali and Jas._

_Maybe she would forgive me and I could shake this feeling that wrapped itself around me like a dark cloak, trying to smother me. She was snarky and angry and clearly blamed me completely for the death. Where there had been love and warmth and sunshine in her eyes, now there was only grief and hate._

_I went home, in the end, and just took a few pills, so much more civilised._

_Jas had, unknown to me, borrowed some of my cd's and he had been in Alice's bed that night as usual, and he decided to replace them before I woke._

_His alarm at my color led to Carlisle pumping my stomach when they couldn't wake me up._

_Jas looked at me like he knew everything, and I didn't say a word._

_Carlisle was beside himself, trying to work out why, what had happened, this was not part of his plan at all._

_They kept it from Esme, told her I had some fixable medical condition and I spent a few months relaxing in a hospital bed. Carlisle ran tests on me, and had me talk to various shrinks, and we got nowhere._

_Nobody knew what the problem was, but one dark night when I was lying there, wondering why God had saved me yet not my child, Jas walked in and sat beside me in the dark, and I told him everything._


	5. Chapter 5

Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter Five

The Present

"Bella, for God's sake, appreciate that trim little figure while you have it and show it off. Once you have children, your bikini days will be over."

I sat and raised my eye brows at the Alice Whitlock Original skimpy two piece.

"Go on Bella, wait until you see what five boys do to your stomach," Rose added.

"I don't wear bikini's," I stated, not knowing how to get out of this one. My stomach was hard and flat and just short of muscled, but there were little silver lines here and there, mainly across my lower abdomen, and there was not an alternate explanation that I could think of to explain them.

I knew some girls, maybe even guys, who put on a lot of weight in a short time could get stretch marks but the slightly flabby waist they had seen me with would never explain them away.

"Don't you have a pretty one piece?" I asked. I didn't want Alice to feel I was rejecting her brilliant work, but what else could I do?

"Just try it on, and Rose and I will tell you honestly how awesome you look in it."

Esme noticed the conversation and came to my side.

"Doesn't Bella like the bikini? Alice designed and made it especially for you, dear. Just try it on and give us all a quick fashion parade. Men, who wants Bella to wear this gorgeous piece of Alice Whitlock designer splendor?"

Emmett whistled and pumped his fists in the air. Jasper smiled and winked at me as he cradled a sleeping baby son in his arms. Carlisle looked like he would like to join in the cheering squad but felt it would be inappropriate.

Edward sidled up to me and took the bikini and held it over my clothes.

"Come on, Bella, you have a gorgeous figure. What's the problem?" he asked.

"I don't wear bikini's," I stated, more firmly, maybe harshly, in my panic.

Alice's face dropped and Edward stepped back as if I had slapped him.

"Have you found religion or something?" Jasper asked, puzzled but determined to discover my reluctance.

"Okay, sure, it's a religious thing," I agreed. I headed inside and dressed myself in the most skin covering item I owned, a maxi length caftan my mother had somehow thought I would find appealing. It never had before but now it's shapeless folds and long baggy sleeves and floor length hem seemed to offer what I needed, total coverage.

I returned and sat silently while the others swam and played pool volleyball.

"If you have your period, and we embarrassed you, I'm sorry," said Esme quietly.

I smiled and nodded, whatever reason she came up with was fine, so long as it was not the real issue.

Edward came out of the pool and sat on the warm concrete beside my chair.

"Bella, is anything wrong?" he asked.

"No, Edward, I'm fine, everything is fine," I assured him with a sigh.

"You have never hidden your body away, did something happen? Do you have an appendectomy scar or something?"

"You don't want to know, let it go," I answered.

"I do, Bella. Nothing went wrong, did it? You didn't have to have a hysterectomy?" he asked quietly, fearfully.

"No, Edward, I still have all my bits whether they still work or not," I answered.

"What do you mean? Did something go wrong? Why won't you tell me?" he persisted.

"Go away, Edward," I sighed, rolling my face away from him and pretending to sleep.

xxx xxx xxx

Things became strained, as you could well imagine and Edward was curt but polite, closing himself off from me. It was better than the hate he would express if he knew, so I just accepted it, and ignored his demeanor and spoke as if he was his usual happy self.

I had no idea how to handle this.

The next day Edward went out for the day, with some old friends and I drifted around the house, helping Alice with the babies, letting her catch up with some much needed sleep.

"I can't believe I allowed this pregnancy to happen," Jasper confided in me as we sat side by side and dangled our feet in the pool, each holding one of his offspring.

"I guess not everything goes to plan," I answered.

"Can I say something personal? I may be way out of line, here so feel free to tell me to eff off."

"Eff off, Jas," I laughed.

"Bella, when we visited you in college that year after Edward left, why were you overweight? You eat like a starving mountain lion and have never gained an ounce, yet you were almost post pregnancy flabby. Can you not wear a bikini because your stomach got too stretched?"

I looked into his all too seeing blue eyes and didn't answer.

We sat in silence, and I felt a couple of tears streak down my face.

"Tell him. All this baby banter must be cutting into you like a knife. You didn't have the termination, did you?"

I gasped.

"He told you?" I questioned.

"He had no choice. I found him."

"What do you mean, Jas?" I asked. How had Edward been lost and needed finding?

"He regretted what happened so much, he did something stupid. Carlisle pumped his stomach. He has never known why Edward did it. Edward has never dated another girl since he finished college, did you know that?"

"But what's the point stirring up things now, Jas? It's all in the past, the distant, unalterable past. What's done is done."

"Where is the baby?" he asked.

"Safe," I answered.

"You gave him away," he stated.

xxx xxx xxx

I was waiting in the driveway when Edward returned. He drove up beside me and lowered his window.

"Are you waiting for me?" he asked, his voice dead and flat.

"Edward, I need to tell you something. I have packed my bags, I'm going to go stay with Charlie," I added.

"Is that the something?" he asked, still facing the front, never looking at me.

"No, but I need to go somewhere we can walk to, so you don't drive home after," I warned. He parked and came to me, finally looking at me and he held out a hand. I took it, seeing it may well be the last time he ever wants to touch me in any way.

We walked to the rockpool at the back of the property and sat down on a large, flat boulder.

Edward faced me and waited.

I couldn't find the words so I handed him the cards still unopened.

He took them and frowned at the postmarks. They had all been forwarded to me from the agency.

"These are old."

"I get one every year on my birthday," I stated.

He counted them carefully.

"Seven cards, all from C & P?"

"Charlotte and Peter."

"Do I know them?" he asked.

"No, but you may want to. I met them four times."

"And?"

"The fourth time I gave them our baby son to raise."

He sat dead still and looked at me, then away, at the water.

"You didn't let them kill him," he stated.

"No, I couldn't go through with it."

He turned suddenly and put his arms around me.

"Thank you, Bella."

"You are happy I gave the baby away?" I asked. mystified.

"I am happy you didn't let them kill it. I have lived with it's death on my conscience since that day in college when I gave you money to have my own flesh and blood destroyed. I have had nightmares ever since."

"Is that why you don't date girls?" I asked, perplexed.

"I don't deserve to be happy and anyway, I promised to never marry anyone but you so what's the point in dating? None at all, knowing it can never lead to anything."

"It could if you let it. What about sex? You had quite an appetite from what I remember."

"I have never had the urge. Sex leads to babies which leads back to the atrocity I insisted was done to my child. Where is he?"

"I don't know. I asked to be shown couples who lived far away, nowhere near Washington or New York, seeing that's where we mainly seem to live. I didn't ever want to see him on the street or in a playground or at a school crossing."

"What are the cards?" he asked.

"Charlotte promised to send me a photo of him every birthday...he was born on my twentieth birthday."

"God, Bella. I flew to New York and sat on your doorstep all that night. I hoped I could talk you into going out on a date with me, having some fun. I only left because Samantha told me you met someone and I didn't want to face you doing the walk of shame. What time was he born?"

"7.27pm."

"My plane got in at 5pm. I could have been with you, seen him born, held your hand."

"Would you have wanted to keep him?" I asked.

"I would have," he sighed, dropping his head into his hands, his long fingers rubbing through his copper hair. "I knew by then that I loved you and regretted everything, the way I treated you, the way I left and didn't stay but that was a good thing as it turned out. If I had, you may have gone through with it."

"I doubt it, not even for you," I replied honestly. I had loved him and wanted what was best for him but not at the expense of destroying a life that trusted me to keep it safe.

"Why didn't I have to sign anything?" he asked. frowning. "Surely I had some rights?"

"I said he was the result of a frat party and I didn't know who his father might be," I admitted.

"Father unknown," Edward said sadly.

Suddenly he sat up straighter.

"I could contest the adoption on the grounds I was never allowed to decide for myself, I am sure I read about someone getting their baby back about five or six years after she was adopted out because the mother never told the father and he petitioned the court."

"Edward, please don't. He only knows Charlotte and Peter and he is seven years old already, he would not thank us for ripping him away from them. That wouldn't be fair. Would you have liked that if it had happened to you? Would you have forgiven your 'real parents' for taking you away from Carlisle and Esme had they adopted you?"

"Bella, he is the only child I will ever have."

"Why? Because of your silly rule that I have to mother your children? Take it back, go find a woman and get married and have babies, Edward. Don't ruin his life just because you once made some half baked pledge nobody even wants you to stick to."

"I will never want a child born to anyone else," he insisted.

"If some woman out of your past turned up with your child, conceived at college or dare I even say, High School, you would have no interest in that child because it isn't mine?" I pushed.

"That will never happen. I never...didn't use a condom with anyone, ever, apart from you. There are no children of mine out there."

"Only him," I sighed sadly. "Our child."

Edward opened the envelopes, one at a time, smiled at each new photo and handed them on to me. My heart broke again at each update. The sharp jawline was there, hidden by babyfat at first, clear as day by the latest photo. The copper bedhair didn't kick in until he was four. At his first birthday he had dark brown silky straight hair, but the next years showed so much change. At two, it hung in red tinged ringlets around his neck. At three, it had been cut fairly short, but an old fashioned basin cut that suited his chubby round face. By four, his hair was out of control and shone deep copper in the sun. He was sitting outside, in a sandbox, squinting a little at the brightness, smiling with the same smile I had seen for years.

At five, it was Edward's hair, a ton of gel trying to hold it in place but it was springing free already.

At six, he had Edward's eye's, deep, clear, green emerald's. At seven he was the Edward in the photo Esme had up in the foyer, grubby football shirt, dirt on his cheeks, a gap toothed grin that tore at my heart further. He had his boots unlaced, and one sock had fallen down, I even thought it was the same leg as the one in Edward's photo.

He turned it over and read the back, then turned them all over.

"Jamie aged two." "Jamie at the playground." "Jamie with his birthday cake."

Jamie.

"I am going to find him, and bring him home where he belongs."

"Edward, you say you love me, then don't do this, I beg you. I will do anything if you will leave him alone and not wreck his security. I am sorry I gave him away but he is not some possession we can change our minds about. He is not a pet, or a bike, or a book. He is a human being who no doubt loves and adores the couple he thinks of as his parents. If he were still a small baby, I would be there in court beside you. But it could take years and we would rip his little heart and world apart. Please, Edward."

"You say you would do anything? Then marry me, Bella, and have another baby, for us. One we can keep and raise."

xxx xxx xxx

_The Past_

_Edward knocked on my door, just as I left the elevator and walked up behind him. Having said little during the visit he had made with the others, and months of silence between us since then, suddenly he clearly had thought of something to say._

"_Bella," he breathed out, reaching for me. I was thinner now and my abs were tighter and the inch or so of flabby fat gone. Running, hours in the gym with my personal trainer, and now the evidence of the pregnancy was almost erased._

_Almost._

"_Why are you back?" I asked, unlocking the door and dropping my bag onto the counter._

_I knew Rose had delivered her son and I was going to go visit but not quite yet. I used the excuse I liked babies better when they smoothed out and got more human looking. The truth was, I didn't think I could handle seeing a newborn just yet._

"_I need you to forgive me," he stated, his eyes full of remorse._

"_I forgive you," I stated coldly._

"_No, you don't. Don't say it if you don't mean it."_

"_I don't forgive you," I answered, sitting down in a chair facing the couch._

_He dropped to his knees on the floor._

"_Please, please forgive me, Bella. I can't stand it. What we did. What I made you do. I can't live with myself."_

"_You didn't want me, and you didn't want the baby. I did what you wanted, I made it go away. Now you go away. Leave me alone. I am over you, Edward. That was the only thing you could have done, I think, to bring me out from under your spell and to my senses. I don't even like you now. You decided our baby had to die. You are not some fifteen year old schoolboy, you could have offered him a home, a life. Maybe he would have interrupted the fabulous life you planned for yourself, but Esme and Carlisle would have stepped in and helped. You could have kept fucking nurses and had your fun. But no, we were speed bumps in your life and you had us eliminated. Go home."_

_He stood on shaky legs and walked to the door._

"_I'm so sorry, Bella. I was wrong. I love you, I really do. I know that now."_

"_If that is how you treat the woman you love, then I pass," I answered._

_He left._

_I slammed the door after him and threw myself on the bed, looking at my one and only photo._

_I named him Ben, then Ryan, then Jaryd, later Mitchell. I changed it regularly, trying to find the name that fit this tiny bundle with the brown hair. Christopher? Nicholas? Thomas? Mark, Michael, Jeff, Sean, Anthony always searching, never finding._

_Joshua, Justin, Jonathon, Jameson, Joel, Jason. _

_Maybe an "E" name but never Edward, he didn't deserve for his son to be named after him._

_Erik, Eamon, Edmund, no, too close, Edwin, Edwin, Edwin, so like Edward. Was he like Edward? Did he look like Edward? Did he have those green eyes, that ridiculous shade of hair only Esme and Edward shared?_

_xxx xxx xxx_

_Months later Alice and Jasper and Edward came back. He had changed. The light had gone from his eyes and he looked older than his real age. His hair was merely reddish brown now, short, neat, no longer pretty. He was a ghost of the former Edward, merely existing. His face was thinner and Alice and Jas were tiptoeing around him._

"_What's going on?" I asked Alice. Edward clearly didn't want to be here so why was he?_

"_He does want to be here. You are all he talks about. He steals the letters you write to Esme and hacks into my email to see if you have written. He hasn't worked for a while now, he has been...ill. Please be careful, we have no idea what set him off but he has been really sad and unwell, Bella."_

_Jasper's eyes looked into mine and I shivered, it was as if he had read all the intimate details with that one look. I wondered what he knew. I had not told a soul. Samantha had left, gone off with some boy who was happy she was pregnant to him, they had packed and disappeared in his car, sure they could make a go of things and have a place ready for their coming baby._

_With her gone, my secret was my own again. All Edward's friends graduated when he did, so none of them knew. Sure, some of the current students no doubt remembered my pregnancy but they never knew how it ended so nobody ever asked. Too afraid in case it died, I suppose. We are funny like that, better to pretend it never existed than spare a few words of kindness over it's death._

_Of course, he wasn't dead._

_I had a card._

_I gave him to them, they had better be looking after him and keeping him safe like they promised me._

_Edward came into my room when I was getting ready for bed._

"_Should I sleep on the couch?'" he asked, listlessly, fully expecting me to say yes._

"_No, come into my bed with me," I invited and for a moment I saw a glimpse of the old Edward._

_He climbed in beside me and I put my arms around him, like he had done to me so many times._

_I kissed the top of his forehead._

"_I do forgive you, Edward. We both did what we thought was best at the time. We were probably both wrong but all you can do is what you think is best, right?"_

"_Thank you, Bella," he whispered and snuggled down against me. It was like being in bed with a child, a small, scared, defeated child._

_He clung to me throughout the night and the ones that followed and he started to come alive in the last two days of the visit. We ate out, and went for long walks and picked wildflowers and he recited poetry to me, and told me he loved me, over and over._

_I didn't reply but I didn't reject him, either._

_The last night, he asked me if he could make love to me, and I agreed. He put on a condom, and I stayed hidden under the covers, and he made love in a way so very different to how he had before, it brought tears to my eyes. He was gentle, and loving and after a connection more than a release._

_His hands were stroking my skin, and he kept breathing me in, touching my face and hair, kissing me with little pecks over every inch of my body. I froze when he was near my belly but he couldn't see anything in the dark, I suppose._

"_I swear I will only ever have children if you are their mother," he pledged._

_I smiled and squeezed his hand, with no clue how to answer that._

_He had some slight color to his cheeks in the morning, by the time he left to go back home to Forks, and I kissed him goodbye and waved them all off._

_We exchanged text messages but I delayed answering if he got too needy, and I steered us onto a strictly friend level._

_The final visit a year later, he had hope and enthusiasm for life again and was busy making plans for when I graduated and went back home. We would marry, buy a house, have a family, I could work from home, he was happy enough at the hospital. _

_I had to grab his arm and tell him, I was not sure what my plans were yet. I had applied to work as an unpaid cadet to get some work experience at several magazines here, in the hope one of them would find me good enough to keep on after graduation. _

_I had a busy year and he sent me messages and texts and we talked once a week, but when I took the job in the magazine, it all stopped, and we drifted apart, as those who rarely see or talk usually tend to do._

_Alice kept me informed and I went home for short trips and baby welcoming visits, and weddings, but mainly we saw little of one another, and I realised I was free at last, and moved on._

_I assumed he had done the same._


	6. Chapter 6

Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter 6

The Present

"You and EDWARD are getting married?" squealed Alice, her face betraying she had no idea whether to be happy for us, mad because she didn't know there was anything between us, or just bewildered. Esme looked happy, but perplexed, Carlisle just looked like he had waited for this news all his life.

Jasper was quietly happy, Rose at a loss to know what to think, Emmett exuberant in his joy.

"This neat, we all get to keep Bella forever now. A proper sister, and I never saw this coming. What the fuck, you two? How long has this been going on? Why the hush hush?"

"We were together her first year in college, my last year," Edward admitted.

"But you hardly have seen each other for years," Emmett continued.

"True, but you knew I always loved her and wanted her," Edward replied.

"Yeah, I guess we did. Hey Bells, this is amazing. You dark horse, how could you stay away from him so long? I mean, he's not the pick of the Cullen brothers but he is a close second."

"Things were complicated, Emm," I answered.

Alice had disappeared and reappeared with a stack of bridal magazines.

"This style would look good on you,or this one, no, that one is all wrong, this is nice? Maybe? Forget that train, it's way too short, think of it in an off white..."

"Blue," said Edward.

"Blue? No way, brides wear white or eggshell or maybe oyster," Alice babbled on.

"Alice, this is not your wedding, it's Bella's. How about we let her choose what she wants to wear?" he suggested.

"Blue would be cool," I agreed. "Baby blue, pale, nothing too bridey."

"Are you sure, Bella? This may be your only chance to be a bride. Brides are meant to look bridey, you know." Alice was clearly miffed.

"We could go to Vegas and do a drive-thru wedding," Edward threatened.

"Okay, fine, baby blue it is. I can work with that," Alice hurriedly amended her former disapproval.

Esme sat beside me, holding my hand, smiling widely, looking like she had unexpectedly won the lottery, like she had no ticket yet won the prize. Carlisle was watching Edward and I closely.

I knew he was assessing us and trying to figure out what had suddenly occurred to take us from barely talking to engaged. I wished I could explain but I am sure he would only worry if he knew Edward was virtually blackmailing me to do this. I could not let Jamie's world be destroyed and my lawyer agreed Edward did have a chance of gaining custody if he got the best representation and paid enough money.

That is just the way the world is, and I had always been grateful to Charlotte and Peter, I knew they would never have taken Jamie if they knew his father was known and had no been consulted.

They trusted me to have disclosed the truth and now my lie could hurt them terribly.

I had written to them explaining a sanitized updated version of his conception, implying I now knew there was only one man involved in that night after all, therefore Edward did wish to communicate with his son and meet him, but I didn't alarm them by telling them what he had threatened to do.

My lawyer had been instructed to come up with a legal, foolproof agreement, once I married Edward and started trying to get pregnant, he was to desist any and all attempts to retrieve his firstborn.

He had more or less agreed, but he wanted it clearly written he would comply once we had another child safely delivered, not before.

I wondered if once he had this new child, if I would be superfluous to his needs, just as I had been with my parents? Or was I to stay and raise the child with him, regardless of how our marriage had come about? Pretend we were madly in love, a perfect couple to co-exist with the other perfect couples, join the roll call of soulmates, Esme and Carlisle, Emmett and Rose, Alice and Jasper, Bella and Edward.

Bella and Edward.

How many years had I wanted those two names linked together? My entire teenage years had been his name on my pencil case, our name practised over and over, Edward and Isabella Cullen, Edward and Bella Cullen, Bella Cullen. I had never linked my name with anyone else.

Alice hadn't, Rose hadn't, it seemed back then it was all written in the stars and would just happen. How many hours had I slaved and studied and practised, how many hours in the library, at school or weekends, learning every fact I could possibly need to know for the scholarship exams that defined my life?

Everything had depended on whether I got to attend the same college as he did, even if we only both attended the one single joint year.

I always imagined he would greet me much as he had, arms open, happiness evident on his face, but in my mind that's where things differed to reality.

In my mind, I saw it a thousand times.

"Bella, I am so happy you are here. Now we can be together, and reveal our true love for one another. Come live with me, you don't need a dorm. This is our bedroom, you can have that side of the closet and these drawers."

That would be followed by a night of passion and the happy gift of my virginity. My body had never felt a single boy's fumbling, my lips were kept for his alone.

I had put up with the sneers and jibes, the Lesbian label, the wrath of the boys that asked me out and were automatically rejected.

I couldn't believe they didn't know I belonged to Edward Cullen. It was all I knew, the only fact that kept me going, kept me studying while they partied, kept me virtually friendless. Alice always accepted me and my strangeness but even she never knew the reason I spurned the dates and concentrated on every word every teacher uttered, like they had the key somewhere in those words that would open the door to Edward.

I settled in and became part of her family, seeing Esme as my 'new' mother, she would be my mother-in-law soon, maybe when I was a Freshman at NYU.

I couldn't see we had any reason to wait, surely six months of dating and living together would be sufficient, then we would marry in one of the amazing big affairs the Cullen's went in for, with everyone in town invited, and I would claim my rightful place at their son's side.

I was always visiting, getting them used to me, getting my place in their family established so it would be a natural progression. Our wedding would be expected, anticipated, everyone would be ready for it, regardless when it happened, before Alice's, after Emmett's.

No need to choose bridesmaid's, they were built in already, Alice and Rose. Edward would have Jas or Emmett as his best man, sometimes I leaned towards it being his brother, other times his best friend as I photoshopped our wedding photos from the many shots I had taken of us all.

Edward was dressed in a tux, off to be Best Man for some friend I didn't know, and I had joined in when Esme started snapping her camera at him, only I took twenty to her seven photos.

I couldn't wait to get home and put them onto my computer and sift through them, sorting, discarding but never deleting, every pose was precious, every image just for me alone, I could save them all for future use, maybe compile a honeymoon file as well.

That led me to practically living with my camera glued to my hand every time he came home.

Edward in the pool, Edward beside the pool, Edward diving into the pool, Edward climbing up the ladder to get out, laughing, shaking that head of copper over the girls lying on their towels beside the pool.

I became a paparazzi.

When he brought the ridiculous skanky 'girlfriends' home with him, I knew it was part of our cover. He needed to appear to be interested in them, and I avoided his floor like the plague because if I didn't know whether they slept in the guestroom or his sanctuary, then I could write my own script.

They were all completely chaste and platonic, 'just friends', I ignored Alice's whisperings about what she had seen or heard because she had misinterpreted. Even when I accidentally discovered him kissing them in the dark recesses of the patio's and big outdoor deck, it was just kissing.

Kissing didn't have to mean anything.

I always watched his hands, those long seductive fingers, and convinced myself the possessive way he touched them in front of everyone meant nothing. Men could rest a hand on your bottom without it meaning you two were sleeping together, because I knew he was saving himself for me just as I was for him.

That one time, the time I stumbled upon him and the girl with the long reddish blond hair, out by the pool on the lounger one night, both naked, him lying on her...

It made things harder, trying to think of why he had been there like that. Esme always had his clothes washed and ironed and in his closet. There was no sudden lack of clothing emergency.

I had both wanted to watch and been ripped apart by their oblivious writhing, they had no idea I was there.

I questioned Rose at length, trying to let her answers convince me couples their ages did stuff like that without going the whole way. Edward was probably practising, waiting for me to be of an age where I could be the one under him on that lounger, and we would do it right, do the whole dance.

We would be one another's firsts,because that is what true soul mates did, they waited for the other, the younger one, to catch up and become an adult.

I had always assumed he would reveal us and come to my bed the day I turned eighteen.

Alice suggested she throw me a party at her house, our humble abode being hardly the place one could fit many guests in, and then I knew Edward was coming home and the night would end up with me in his bed.

Or he in mine, did it matter?

I endured the excruciating Brazilian wax three days prior and sat around for hours, trying not to cringe and cry out loud at the extreme tenderness of my flesh.

Only being submerged to the waist in their swimming pool seemed to help numb things, so I did that, stood still in the shallows and avoided Emmett's attempts to make me join in and play along with them all.

Finally, the afternoon of the party arrived and Alice was there, in my inadequate bathroom, straightening my newly trimmed and highlighted locks, then we went to the Cullen house, home, to have Rose make up my face and Alice dress me in the midnight blue gown we had all decided was The Dress.

The party was scheduled to begin at eight pm, and Alice was worried, she could see me looking up at every new guest as they arrived, my smile automatically there, without thought, then I would frown and my smile would dim, and I'd look past Mike and Jess, Eric and Angela, Tyler and Lauren, my eyes always on the next arrival.

"Bella, why didn't you add his name to the invitation list?" Alice had whispered frantically.

"Who?" I asked, stepping a little away to get a better view, Riley and Jane were blocking the doorway and I couldn't get a good look who was behind them, waiting to come in.

"Whoever he is, the boy you are waiting for. I didn't invite many singles, you never showed an ounce of interest in any other the boys at school, how was I meant to guess who you wanted here?" she hissed, scared the party would be a bust if HE didn't arrive.

HE needed no invitation, he would have been waiting for this momentous date to arrive as much as I was, my ticket to uncontested adulthood.

I was legal in every sense now, no age gap mattered any more. I understood he couldn't step forward and claim me at sixteen, what with the gap in our ages and the stupid rules. I could sleep with boys my own age legally, but he was ruled out, he was too old for me.

That was just a joke and showed how ridiculous the rules of society were.

xxx

But we waited and he came to that party, my sixteenth, that Alice had thrown, at the Cullen's of course, wasn't I already part of their family? He was with a date, but I was so happy to have him there I completely ignored her, and just spent the night stealing glimpses of him.

He handed over my gift, and while it wasn't the the heart shaped pendant I craved that separated into two halves so I could wear one half and he the other, it was a very pretty engraved name bracelet with _Isabella _on the nameplate. I turned it over, and there it was.

_Happy 16th, love Edward_

Our secret agreement, there for my eyes only.

Love Edward.

I did love Edward, and now it was confirmed, he loved me back.

Of course he had to keep up the charade and he did disappear upstairs fairly early in the night, with his silly little dolly bird, but he was probably explaining about us and how she was just part of our cover.

I never stopped wearing our bracelet and when he didn't come home break after break, I had it to remind me he did love me, just sometimes stuff got in the way. Maybe he was falling behind, I wouldn't have wanted him to come home and then fail and have to repeat that year, now would I?

Of course not.

Alice said he was in Paris or Switzerland with his friends but I guess he could study there just as well.

He was preparing for our future so I could not complain about those absences.

xxx

The night of my 18th progressed, the bulk of the guests were there, dancing, talking, eating and drinking.

Alice was mortified, asking every one of our classmates who she had missed, who had not been invited.

The look of relief when Jacob Black walked through the door, an hour late but dressed so sexily and carrying flowers and a prettily wrapped gift appeased her at first, until she caught my eye as I looked past Jake as I unwrapped the gift.

The door, always the door. He would walk in any time now.

I was mystified why he hadn't come home a day or two early, so see his family and talk to me, maybe we would be engaged after this night spent together, ridding ourselves of our virginity. It was possible, no, probable.

Where was he?

I started to panic, and my eyes met Alice's. She saw my distress.

"Bella, for God's sake, tell me who and Jas can go fetch him, bring him here, pretend his invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. It happens. Just tell me, please," she begged.

Esme walked over, house phone in hand.

"Bella, Edward called and when he heard the party in the background, I told him it was your eighteenth and he wants to say Happy Birthday."

She shoved the phone into my hand and I stood there, frozen, because this was not how it was meant to be.

"Hey Bella, big night for you, happy birthday. I forgot, I will send you something, the shops here are amazing I am told, Heidi will help me choose a special something for you. Sorry I forgot. So, do you and your boyfriend have plans for later?" he snickered.

"Edward," was all I managed to say.

"Don't forget, _be safe._ If he doesn't have a condom, steal some from Emmett, he buys them in bulk, he won't mind. I always feel free to help myself when I am home."

I was speechless, why did he need condoms? Why did he pretend I had a boyfriend? Could he really believe I would let some other boy touch me?

"So, have a great night, gotta go. Heidi, behave for one minute, would you? Damn girl has no patience. We shall have a drink for you at dinner, Bye, happy birthday."

It was the most mortifying night of my life but I recovered, slowly, surely. I was confused and had to accept things may not be exactly as I had figured. Had he grown tired of waiting and given up on me? Was it possible?

Heidi.

Stupid name, she should be eight and have plaits and clogs and be running down some hill with her grandfather, not having dinner with my man.

I had spent the rest of the evening with Jake, his eyes had taken in mine as I spoke that single word to Edward, and he knew.

He put his arms around me and sat outside, where the air was colder and clearer and more bracing, and I could breathe.

"Bella, he barely knows you exist. Let it go, come out to the Rez, have some fun, we used to hang together all the time, come try seeing if we can be something. I know what this is doing to you. I would never do that to you, Bella."

I did go to the Rez, I was unsure for a while what to think, how to interpret what had happened.

Jake was fixing up a couple of old bikes and I handed him things and ordered pizza and opened cans of soda while he worked.

He chatted about his life and his father, and how cool it was, riding along the cliffs, wind in his beautiful long hair.

I loved his hair and I wished to God I could control my heart and love him, instead.

It was becoming clear that I had everything so wrong, so mixed up, so different to how it was.

Edward was dating, sleeping with girls, having a life that didn't include me.

Maybe it never would.

The future now scared me, everything I had planned and dreamed had been based on us, our love, our being together.

If that was not how things would be, what did I do? Where was my place?

I became terrified and avoided Alice, who was so wrapped in Jasper she barely noticed. I started to fear Edward would announce his engagement, many of the boys he had gone to school with were getting engaged, why not the most beautiful of them all?

Alice unknowingly kept my hopes alive.

Sam and Emily, two of Edward's friends, announced their engagement and I listened half heartedly to Alice as she described the dress Emily should choose, 'if she had any sense of style at all', and heard the words that made my heart keep hoping.

"Thank God Edward is nowhere near ready to settle down, he is dead against getting tied down in a relationship before he is a fully fledged doctor. He likes just keeping things casual. Anyway, I could not imagine having to design a dress for Tanya, she is so freaking skinny. And that hair, I mean, it would never go with white."

"Tanya?" I questioned. "Don't you mean Heidi?"

"Oh no, Heidi is in the past, Edward does not keep them around long. Love 'em and leave 'em. if you can defile the term love. Fuck 'em and leave 'em is more accurate."

While I was shocked to have to realise Edward was a player, it was nevertheless a relief to know he had no plans to settle down. I still had a chance.

"I have to go home, Alice, we have that pop quiz tomorrow, I need to study."

"Bella, you always get 99%, what's there to study?"

"The other 1%, Alice, obviously."


	7. Chapter 7

Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter 7

The Present

"Bella, are you sure you are doing the right thing?" Jasper, the all knowing, all seeing, asked me as we lay on the grass and played with Jack and Alicia while Alice grabbed a nap.

"No, but I am sure I am doing the only thing," I answered.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked, frowning.

"Nope, but I soon will be, Edward will make sure of that."

"You can't just replace one baby with another, you know. They are all individuals and all separate beings. Another baby can't be the one you gave away."

"I hope to God you are wrong, Jasper, because that is exactly what the next baby has to do. Otherwise this is all for nothing."

"Just explain. I will keep my opinions to myself if you prefer but I am wracking my brains, trying to work out what is going on really. You used to love Edward, you used to live and breathe him, then he spends one year at college with you, he comes home and looks like shit, tries to kill himself, you stay away, only visit, and the two of you act like you barely know each other. Now we are supposed to accept you are madly, truly, deeply, and look forward to the wedding? A wedding you seem to see as a bargaining tool and and endurance test. Clearly you no longer are in love with him, so why? Why now?"

"Edward found out I lied and put Father Unknown on the birth certificate. It just seemed like the thing to do. The agency told me the father had to sign the papers so I invented a drunken frat party with an unknown amount of possibles, and signed to say none of these imaginary men were asking for a DNA test. They told me I should contact every possible candidate and get their agreements, to save any future hassle.

They did every test for STD's on me, and finally accepted I didn't know who the men were.

I was drunk, I allowed an unknown number of unknown men to fuck me. So ironic, considering my number is still one."

"What the fuck? I can tell you are not saving yourself for Edward again, so why haven't you moved on?"

"I have moved on, just have a thing, a mental block, I associate sex with pain, emotional pain. I figure if I give men my time and company, that should be enough. I always thought once I got married, I would be able to trust a man again and do what wives have to do."

"Some wives are happy to do those things, they don't just do them because they feel obligated," Jasper answered.

"I know, and it would have been that way had Edward married me that day. When I showed him the test, I stupidly, stupidly, still had it in my mind that he would fix things, propose, carry me home and rejoice, welcome me as his bride and the baby as his son.

For a long time, I could not see his face without seeing the look he had on it when he saw that test stick. It was like he had been told he was dying, slowly, painfully, in the worst possible way. Like the look a wild animal must have when the trap closes and it knows there is no escape, only death and death starts to look good.

Then he falls apart after I essentially do what he wanted, he looked like he was dead, and he needed forgiveness. I forgave him, Jasper, but that forgiveness took the last part of what my heart held for Edward. It's empty now, just a void. I don't love him, or see myself ever loving him again, but I do love Jamie and I will do whatever I can to make up for giving him away. No mother should be able to do that, Jas. He was my baby, my responsibility. I just couldn't think of any other way to keep him safe and give him a life worth having. Being penniless and living off Charlie was not a fair option on my father. I couldn't do it. Charlie has his life, weird as it may be, but he made something of the few scraps of what Renee left behind, and found Sue. Then they got married and were happy and struggling together, how could I turn up with a baby and expect him to start parenting again?"

"Why didn't you tell Edward? You had already lost him anyway."

"Lost him? Don't kid yourself, I never had him. He never wanted me, I was merely his little sister's best friend who made a willing fuck buddy and saved him having to fuck and move on constantly. He had all the comforts of home and none of the responsibility. I allowed that, I never asked for more because I knew I loved him and wanted him to be happy.

I cooked and cleaned and fucked, what more did he need? I always thought there was my reward at the end, he would marry me and complete the Happy Couples scenario, and we could end the story with 'and they lived happily ever after', not 'and they had a child together to assuage their guilt and tolerated one another until they died, relieved when the end came and freed them from each other' which is how it will be.

It's funny, I thought money of my own would buy me freedom. I never expected it to buy me happiness, we know it can't, but I always thought my success meant now I live the rest of my life my way, I do what I want. I have a child, if I choose to, with whomever I choose. I live with the father, or not. Whatever I want. I travel, I write, I decide. I end my career once I lose interest, and live on all the money I have invested. I own six properties, in New York, Paris, Spain, London, Hawaii and Italy, so depending on my mood, I live in one of those, or I buy another elsewhere. I decide everything about how my child is raised, where it's educated, what it's name is, no input from anyone else.

Now look at me. No choices, Jasper, none. Do this or destroy the child I allowed to be born. Maybe his way would have been the better way after all. Maybe I did Jamie a disservice letting him live. I could have ended him when he was no more than a bundle of cells but I saw him from the start as a person. A real baby, just tiny. Like the little plastic doll I carried around in my pocket when I was a child. He was complete and beautiful from day one. He was Edward's and I could not harm something Edward had made."

"Bella, call a halt now. Don't do this. The right judge will decide Jamie needs security and deserves to stay with the couple he knows as his parents. What sort of monster would uproot a seven year old?"

"One who knows Edward is a Cullen and knows they can just keep fighting forever until they win. Money is no object to them, to most the end would be dictated by when their funds ran out, but Edward would be there, fighting until his dying day. And he would win, he would hire every lawyer, shifty or otherwise, anyone who could get him what he craves.

I understand him wanting Jamie but it's a selfish want. Had he wanted him from the start, he would have always had him, whether I was part of the deal or not. He was 25, Jas, there are 16 year olds who have chosen fatherhood when the die is cast, and made a go of things. Raised their son's and daughter's, made a life. How would a baby have hurt Edward? He would have handed it to Esme and known she would do everything. He wouldn't even have had to share the same house, he can do no wrong in her eyes.

She would have put her life on hold and become a mother again and he could have turned up with the expensive gifts when he had a moment to spare for the child and congratulated himself on being a great father. And still fucked his 'friends'."

"Taking into account how the experience changed him, and made him acknowledge his feelings for you and his unquestionable remorse about the assumed abortion, can't you feel anything for him again? You say the whole loveless marriage line nearly killed you then, when he said it, but now you are willing to go be a party to that very thing?"

"I owe my son, and his needs will always come first. Believe it or not, I gave him away because I thought it was the best thing for him, not for me, not for Edward. For the baby. I had nothing to offer and Edward was, at that stage, just glad it was all over. He came to see me the once, after 'the abortion', then no contact until you all came and he had woken up and realised what he had done. It was too late,Jas, far too late. He made his decision. He has to live with the consequences. We all do."

"Are you two ever going to tell Esme and Carlisle?"

"I guess that would complete the set, make everyone hate me. As with everything now, it's Edward's decision. Does Alice know?"

"She knows something bad went down and she knows your heart is not in this, I guess you are the first bride to say 'Alice, all I care about is that my dress is pale blue, do what you want with everything else, I don't care.' She is used to brides insisting on an extra row of pearls at the hem or a shorter sleeve, minutes before they walk down the aisle, because everything has to be so perfect.

Esme is choosing the color scheme at the reception and choosing your bouquet, Bella, that is not how brides are. They know what they want or they search and look at a hundred magazines, whatever it takes. They don't say 'blue' and go read through the draft of their next novel like the wedding is going to be a coffee break then back to what's really important. You are not fooling anyone, least of all Edward. He will back out."

"Are you telling me to pretend? Fake how I feel? Pretend to still love him because that won't be happening."

"I honestly don't know what to tell you to do. You are right, Edward holds the power, you do it his way or he fights for his son through the courts, regardless of the cost, or who really pays."

"Jamie is the one who would pay, make no mistake. All Edward risks is money. Jamie gets years of worrying where his future lays while he gets fought over like some trophy."

"It's not like that, Edward wants his child, the one he never knew he had."

"The one he never wanted and ordered to be killed, don't forget that part."

xxx xxx xxx

"So, I am thinking, sweetheart neckline, full skirt, puffed sleeves, sort of to the elbow?" Alice showed me sketches and I wanted to barf.

"No, no and no. I know I am not bothered but I would be if I had to be dressed as a meringue.

How about something silky and straight, with maybe a little lace at the yoke, kind of like a slip."

"A slip? To get married in?"

"Slips are comfortable," I answered, flicking through her portfolio and finding a dress she had designed and showing it to her.

"Oh, you like that one? It's great, it has embroidery done by hand, it costs a fortune, Edward has a fortune, he said whatever you want is fine..."

"I meant the slip, here, that you made to go under the 'frock' if you call it that. No embroidery."

"Bellaaaa."

"Aliceee" I replied.

"Edward, Thank God, tell Bella she cannot wear a slip to her wedding," Alice babbled.

"Why can't she wear a slip? Nobody will see it," he replied.

"No, she wants her dress made to the pattern of this slip!" she exclaimed, pushing the photos in front of Edward's face.

He looked at the page then looked at me.

"Bella, may I have a word, in private?" he growled.

We walked outside and I stood and faced him when we reached the rock we always seemed to use as our discussion place now.

I sat down, pulling daisies up, smashing the petals and tossing them away.

"What?" I asked, biting my bottom lip.

"If you are not going to do this properly, then tell me and we can go get married in a registry office and make it short and legal, nothing more. I assumed you would want a proper wedding but it seems I am wrong."

"IF I was getting married by choice, to a man I loved, sure, a wedding would be great. This is just tossing money away for a sham. I agreed to marry you and have a baby, and I will. But parade around and make a mockery of their weddings? Alice's and Rose's and no doubt, Esme's? It's not like that for us, it's just me doing what I have to in order to protect Jamie and you demanding how and when."

"Get in the car, we will do it now. No fuss, no guests, just sign the papers, the necessary filing is done."

"Fine," I answered, heading for the car, keeping well ahead of him. I heard him chuckle and wanted to smack his grin away.

This was more like it, me in jeans and a embroidered peasant blouse, no Alice Whitlock design, probably K-Mart and Just Jeans were the only labels. He was in his Cavalli one off jeans and his shirt looked so plain and simple it had to cost an arm and a leg.

"Have you written your own vows?" the woman with the clipboard asked. They had a cancellation, we could be married before lunch.

Edward turned and raised his eyebrows.

"Standard, minimal," I answered.

It was rather like buying an insurance policy and I guess that was what this really was. Insurance for our son's happiness.

"I do," I said, stating the obvious.

Edward grinned and took my hands in his. His eyes held my gaze.

"I do," he cooed, his velvety voice making two words sound like a poem.

"Sign here, and there, Mrs Cullen..."

There.

Done.

Signed and sealed.

"But not yet delivered. There's still the matter of the pregnancy, it's not over until the fat lady pushes the baby out," Edward reminded me.

xxx xxx xxx

We didn't go home, Edward called his mother and explained the wedding was done, and we were leaving for our honeymoon, could Carlisle please arrange cover at the hospital, sorry for the short notice, someone named Marcus was hoping to pick up more shifts. He hung up after cutting her off, not allowing questions.

"Okay, we did the wedding your way, now we do the honeymoon mine," he warned.

"What way would that be?" I snarked. Gee, I wonder if the answer is, we stay in bed for however long it takes for the smiley face to show. I bet he has a dozen pregnancy testing sticks hidden somewhere.

"WE meet as strangers and spend the first few nights dating, and the days getting to know one another. We fall in love, I'm sure even someone of your limited acting skills can manage that. We end up in bed, willingly, happily, celebrating our love, not wishing the other would die mid orgasm. I want every stranger to look at us and assume we are the perfect couple, Bella. One look of pity, that they can see me deluding myself , and we leave and the deal is off. Annulment, and Custody Application both filed. So, work it out in your head now. You play nice or we don't play at all. Think of some man you once loved and pretend I am him."

"You are the only man I ever loved. Ever had any feelings for," I admitted.

He looked at me and shook his head.

"Timing is everything," he cursed. "Fuck my life. I wish I had loved you back then, and done the right thing. Or even just done the right thing. I would have woken up one day and realised you were exactly what I had been searching for, and there your were, under my nose all along. At least you loved me then and much as I hate to admit it, I can't help feeling this is too little, too late. Do you hate me actively, or are you simply indifferent to me?"

"Sometimes one, sometimes the other," I answered.

"But never love," he stated.

I didn't answer.

I needed to immerse myself in my latest plot.

Matisse was resisting falling in love with Trey but he was winning her over. He was a Southern gentleman and he had patience, maybe more than the man beside me possessed. Matisse needed his vote to acquire the position as CEO, so she decided to fake loving him and of course, she ended up falling in love with him.

Maybe I could be Matisse and Edward could be Trey, I just needed to be sure I called the right name out in any passionate moment.

We had made love, and I don't mean all those times we had sex as fuck buddies because that was pretty much as removed as possible from lovemaking, I mean, the time I truly forgave him and he finally took me with feelings and to me, that was the beginning of closure.

I moved on, we had come a whole circle in a sense, now he was pining for me and my love like I had wanted his for so long back then.

I truly had not had feelings about anyone else, other than thinking Aro would look pretty hanging off my arm but I expect a designer handbag would have done just as well, and be a lot easier to keep in the closet the days I wanted solitude.

Oh wait, I am married, my life is no longer my own.

xxx xxx xxx

Matisse approached the bar and scanned the room, assessing the looks and interest of every man inside. Nice face, the man on the right with the black curly hair and neatly trimmed beard. Whoa, hot looking blond guy, but he is with another hot looking blond guy and both have a hand under the table

Yuk.

Older guy with soft gray highlights, naturally occurring, looks my way and smiles but he gives off an almost grandfatherly vibe.

Oh, hot green eyed, copper haired God, to my left, dropping a smile that could melt an iceberg.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi yourself. Care to buy a girl a drink?" I ask.

The bar tender glowers at me and it makes me giggle, he is trying to figure if I am a hooker, trolling the bar. I hope I look hot enough to be a hooker, a high class one though. So much 'nicer' somehow.

"Southern Comfort and Coke," Edward/Trey orders and I sit on the bar stool beside his. He is drinking Jack Daniels straight up.

He lights a cigarette and offers the packet to me. I shake my head, I only ever smoked when we shared the apartment and he said I looked good with a cigarette in my hand. I would have done anything to impress him and be what he wanted back then.

He slides my drink towards himself, making it necessary for me to slide the bar stool in closer to his to reach the glass.

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" he asks with a smirk at the corny line.

"It's a nice enough place," I defend, looking at the decor and shiny surfaces.

He lowers his eyes and peers up at me through his long, black lashes and looks like sex on legs.

I inhale, gasping a little, I think I had forgotten to breathe.

His face shows conflict, like he is amused by my reaction then annoyed, as if he knew I was play acting and he didn't like it. I wish I had been, up until that move I certainly was, but that smoulder always hit me with a savage punch to my gut and I can't ignore it and fake indifference.

Timing is everything, why couldn't we have done this back then? Why didn't he love me while I loved him? It seems like a really sick joke the universe has decided to play on us and it's unfair. My eyes watch his every graceful move and I can still see why I loved him, it's just that he no longer evokes the same feelings in me now.

He runs his fingers through his hair and it sticks up in a way that should look silly but just looks sexy on him. His green eyes are gazing unseeing into the distance as he inhales, holds, and exhales the smoke from the cigarette.

He looks like an ad for a campaign to make everyone want to smoke.

His body has matured and he fits it better now. He used to be so skinny as to be lanky, now he is thicker set, still trim and agile but more solid, more real. More manly.

It sucks because he has always been beautiful, now he has the body that would get all the women, even with a plainer face and ordinary eyes.

Of course he has it all and it makes my heart fasten up and pitter patter.

I will always find him devastatingly handsome, just because he is.

"Would you like to take a swim with me?" he asks, stubbing out the cigarette and draining his glass.

I nod and drain my own glass, trying not to choke as it hits my throat and burns a little.

He is standing, waiting, so I stand and walk with him, and he opens the door for me. The air is soft and fragrant and warm, and I can feel the buzz as he walks a half step behind me, letting me lead the way.

The pool is empty this time of night and I realize all I am wearing is this halter dress and tiny panties that barely earn the title, and my heels.

I kick those off and sit beside the pool and watch him strip off his black button down shirt, and jeans, and he stands in his black silky boxers, looking around almost defiantly.

He slides them off and I get a reminder of what used to play inside me regularly.

It's bigger than I recall, maybe as I lost interest in him, my memories had become distorted and reduced everything he had to offer.

He stands still, for a moment, posed beside the pool with the dying sun behind him, just peeping over the horizon in a last goodbye before darkness takes over completely, and his silhouette is breathtaking.

He chest is wide and subtly muscled, his arms strong and tight, his thighs thicker, more man shaped than I remember, his stomach flat except for the molded six pack.

Nice. I can't stop looking at his ass, so nicely rounded but neat, not an inch of fat anywhere. If you melted him down you would be lucky to get a single candle for a child's birthday cake.

He turns and dives in, his body arcing into the surface with barely a sound and no splash.

He is like music, in his movements and it makes me sad that there was not a woman madly, truly, deeply, in love with him, sitting here instead of me, jaded, done.

He affects me like a well done painting would, I don't want to tear my eyes away but I don't want to touch, either.

He swims the length and back, stopping near my feet which hang over the side and dip into the water.

He lifts one foot and kisses it, cradling it in his hands.

"Are you coming in?" he asks so I play my role, untying my dress at the neck and letting it drop to the ground. He watches my eyes, while I expected him to watch my breasts.

I walk to sit on the top of the steps down into the pool, and he swims to sit in front of me. A finger traces the silver lines on my lower belly, now showing in the light thrown by the underwater pool lights and he looks lost in the moment, and he pulls me closer and kisses them. I thought he was aiming lower so I still in surprise and he looks at the confusion in my eyes.

"I scarred you," he says and I nod my head.

You did, but the scars on my heart are far worse than these little striations.

He pulls me so I stand and step down the next step and he puts his arms around my thighs and lays his head against my long empty belly.

We stay like this and he finally moves, pulling me into the water, turning his head away but not before I see the glint of the tears on his cheeks.

"Just give me one night, Bella, that's all, then you can go back to your life and forget everything, forget the deal, I won't file for custody. I just want to meet him and visit him now and then, and let my family know him a little."

"Thank you, Edward," I reply, my hands running over his cheeks, his chin, my lips reaching to kiss his tears away.

We leave the pool and walk hand in hand to the room and it feels different, shivery,better, hopeful.

He lays me down and gently takes my sorry excuse for panties down my legs and he pulls off the jeans he had redressed in, and kicks them away.

We are naked and we have been like this so many times before, it feels both old and new.

"Bella, I am sorry," he sighs as he hovers over me, his arms holding his weight off me.

"What for?" I ask.

"Everything. I should never have bullied you into this, it's wrong for you."

I don't answer. I stroke his face and my fingers love the slight scratchiness of his stubble as it slides like sandpaper across my fingers.

"You can leave now, I don't deserve any of this, of you. I hurt you too much and there's nothing I can do to make it up to you or to make you love me again.

I always knew, right from the start, right from the first blush on your thirteen year old face. It's a look I have wanted to see on every face of every girl I have taken to my bed, but never found again.

You looked at me like I was your world and I loved seeing that look, but it got harder as you grew up and changed into a woman.

I had to remind myself who you were and how you were out of bounds, too young, too beautiful, too pure.

Sitting beside me while I played piano, or laying on the chaise, your eyes closed, your body swaying slightly as you let the music carry you away, all I could think was 'mine' yet not mine, perfect yet not allowed, too young, unchangeable, always too young.

I wanted you to be my age then and save me from searching because I knew we could have had it all. I always loved you in my own way, Bella, but I pushed you away and kept you at arms length. I stayed away from your eighteenth birthday party on purpose, I went to France with Heidi to put enough distance between us, I knew what you wanted from me.

Do you remember what I sent you? I told you I had forgotten and needed to go buy something but I had it ready for months. Did you know what it meant, what it symbolized?"

I shook my head. I knew what it was, a necklace but no two piece heart, still, It had a butterfly hanging on the chain. It was exquisite and finely crafted but I had dismissed it as the sort of gift someone gives a child, I mean, a butterfly?

"A butterfly means young love that will never die and that's what I hoped. That your love would never die. That somehow things would one day be sorted and the age gap would be gone, irrelevant, and we would be together. But not then, not at 25 and 18.

That was a chasm.

I needed it to be just a number.

Then you came and forced the issue anyway.

I think my heart hardened because you let me do those things to you in college. I wished you would call things to a halt and make me earn my place in your bed. You didn't value yourself or what you gave me so I took it and made sure I never revealed that I felt anything for you.

I thought it was the lesser of the two evils.

I knew you had a great life ahead, full of success and fame and people would idolise you and there maybe would be no room for me. You would be gone and I would be waiting for you to come home, always waiting. I would have waited.

I thought I could walk away at the end of college and find you again in the future. When we were both ready and mature and knew what we were.

The pregnancy blew my mind, we were not ready for anything that enormous, even you must know that. It would steal your future and seal your fate, the little housewife at home with the kids, living a life less exciting and wonderful, and I reacted badly.

I didn't want that life for you, or me, if I am honest.

I wanted you to go away and become the woman I had caught glimpses of, the woman you are now. My equal, someone I could love in a purely adult way. Someone I could woo and fall in love with as equals, someone who already had the foundations built for years and we could meld seamlessly together.

I didn't want the pregnant teen, throwing her future away. I didn't want the disgrace for what I would have to admit I had done to you, my little Bella. I should have been looking out for you and treating you like I would have treated Alice had she been there. The last place you should have been was in my bed, doing my bidding, learning what the other women had taught me in turn.

I turned you into someone you should never have been, some courtesan, then I rejected you. I had no warning, Bella, you threw it at me just an hour before I had to leave for the airport. If you had told me days earlier, we could have sat down and talked and decided what to do for the best.

I panicked, it's all I can offer.

When I got home I called to see if it was too late, if it was done. I wanted to go back and scoop you up and bring you home and work out a way to do it all. Leave the child with Esme, let you finish your course and write your novel. Have your success and come home in between to us.

It's funny, I always thought of the baby as a little girl. I pictured her in my head all the way home on the plane, and then I called and Samantha said it was done, already.

You had been to a clinic and it was done.

I felt a little relieved, there was nothing to work out now, you would go on, I would wait for you to come home, we would survive this. I went to see how you were and you had changed. You were harsh and cold and I knew I had done that to you, and that was the worst part. I had taken a little flower and crushed her petals.

Things went bad for me then, Bella.

I couldn't live with myself.

I had killed our little baby, and I knew you would never forgive me.

I kind of wish it had ended then, that Jas hadn't found me and Carlisle hadn't saved me. I was ready to go and pay for my crimes.

I had her little face in my head and I expected to meet her and have to apologise and explain, and admit what I did was the worst, the most terrible thing ever. But she wasn't there, Bella.

Then I woke up and there was Carlisle, angry and sad, wanting to know why. I never told him why, it was my crime, not yours but I knew they would condemn you along side of me and they love you Bella, they always have.

They knew you better than I did, they would have known you would never do that.

Then you forgave me and I thought that meant we could have that future, and we could replace the baby and pretend it never happened but life is not like that, is it? Life makes sure you remember every error, every bad decision, and if you forget your dreams bring them back and show you again. You rejected me, and stayed away so all I could do was wait.

I waited every visit, when you arrived, waited to see that look on your face but it's never been there.

I will file for annulment. This was desperate and crazy insane and it isn't working, is it? I can't change the past and the past changed us, changed you, and the you I want is gone now. The you who loved me is dead."


	8. Chapter 8

Happily Ever After With My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 8

The Present

I woke up in Edward's bed long before dawn and felt him behind me, his morning wood tapping against my back.

I rolled and started to stroke it gently and he smiled in his sleep then his eyes sprang open.

"No, Bella," he whispered, grabbing my wrists and stilling my hands.

"It's my honeymoon, the only one I will ever have," I growled.

"You don't want this," he answered.

"Maybe I do. Maybe some meaningless sex is what we both need," I replied."We were good at it, I seem to recall."

He looked so sad I wished I could bite out my tongue and take the words back, but he relaxed his grip so I tentatively started to stroke him again, and he hardened and moved closer, his nose breathing me in as he rested his face in my neck.

"Are you sure? I seem to use you in all the wrong ways."

"Edward, let's use each other, just this once. Then we can do our thing and pretend it never happened. Pretend it was a dream."

He caressed my face then slowly his hands pushed inside my nightclothes, and he slipped the singlet top over my head and gazed at my breasts. He rolled his hand about, warming my nipple, pushing gently against the whole breast.

I moaned a little, it had been a very long time since anyone touched me there and I was enjoying the familiar feelings as he touched me like he had that one night. With tenderness and love and adoration, and I basked in those things.

Nobody had ever made me feel like this, like I wanted more, like I belonged to him and yet was his home. He drew my shorts down with his toes and kicked them away along with his boxers.

"I want you, Bella, so badly."

He eased my legs apart and pushed inside and I rocked with him and cried out his name when we reached the peak together. He kissed me for a long time afterwards, until we both fell asleep, our hands intertwined still.

Hours later I woke again and lay there thinking about all he had revealed last night. I had been right, there had been something on his side all those years just not enough. Not enough to see the baby wasn't the worst thing possible but could have been the best.

Hearing all he went through, how he felt and what he thought, made me want to understand him and maybe even make his plan happen still but how do you control love? You can't make it reappear just because now would be a good time for us both to feel that way again.

I wanted it too, for the first time.

I wished I did love him, because like he only saw a future with me, I still had only ever seen one future for myself. I had tried to create a new one but it hadn't exactly materialized.

Being feted for my books was nice, comforting, it was good to know others liked what I wrote, but it was hardly a full and nourishing life.

It was like being good at any career, it made me proud but it ended there, after the awards, it was my career and nothing more.

I had searched in many men's eyes for that connection and never found it. Maybe there is only one person out there for each of us and if that is the case, I guess we are doomed to be alone unless we try this and pull together.

Surely I can be his friend. Of course, we do have to face the fallout of the wedding, whether he annuls it or not. Facing the wraith of the pregnant pixie and an irate Rose will test me to my limits. But Esme, what if Esme looks at me sad and disillusioned? I couldn't cope with that.

Edward wakes and smiles a little sadly.

"What if we give this a try? No expectations, no baby, no big deal, just us, living together, trying to see if there is anything left of the old, or if there could be something new? I mean, we got married, we paid for the status. why not just give it a try? If either wants out, say the word.

Maybe something will develop, maybe not. What do you think?" I waited, not breathing.

"I think you are crazy and should take the chance to get far away from me," he answered.

"Well I think maybe we should spend the rest of our honeymoon getting reacquainted and decide at the end of it what to do. The annulment can still be on the table, but let's take our time and not rush for a change and see what we come up with."

"Would you like to come to breakfast with me, Bella?" he asked.

"I think I would enjoy that very much, thank you Edward."

We took turns in the bathroom and went down to the hotel dining room and ate breakfast together.

Edward was ravenous and he ordered several breakfasts for himself, starting with pancakes and whispered they were not nearly as good as mine were, and I had scrambled eggs.

A young couple with two small kids came in and sat at the table beside us. The girl was so like Alicia, I smiled at her and she smiled back with a tooth gaped grin. She was about six, I guessed but so like Edward's niece she could be her older sister.

"Sarah, come along, I will wash those hands before we eat," said the mother, taking her down the hallway to the Ladies Room.

The father was trying to amuse the boy in the highchair and he piled toys onto the tray from a baby bag beside the table.

The boy was maybe nine months old, I guessed, he could sit up alone but his Dad had carried him in on his hip, so I don't think he was walking yet. He was holding an orange and black striped stuffed toy tiger by the tail, swinging it about. It flew across and hit Edward on the back and the boy laughed.

"Jamie! Sorry, he gets a little ….

I couldn't hear what he said or look that way any more.

Jamie.

The world was full of babies, how could the one in the adjoining table be a Jamie? It's not even that popular now.

I realized I had a mouthful of egg and tried to swallow but it felt like my throat had closed completely so I grabbed the napkin and coughed the food into it. I didn't care to even be discrete by that stage, all I wanted was not to choke or cry.

Too late for the crying, but maybe I would no longer require the Heimlich.

I sipped my water and was surprised when it went down and took the few scraps of food safely with it.

The waitress handed Edward a plate of toast and bacon and egg, and he looked nervously at my face.

I shook my hand at him, and hurried to the ladies Room.

"Hurry up, Sarah, Jamie will be causing a ruckus by now. He is a very hungry boy in the mornings."

She stood holding a toilet cubicle door shut while her daughter was inside.

"Kids," she laughed as I washed my scarlet face in cold water. "Take my advice and buy a puppy. Far less trouble and you can always give it away if it's too much trouble. They don't let you do that with your own children."

I burst into loud sobbing tears and sank to the floor.

"God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything by it, I have just had a bad morning," she babbled.

She let the door go and opened the outer door.

"Excuse me, your wife, she needs you," she called loudly.

The outer door opened and Edward scooped me up and out of the building to the beach outside, placing my feet on the ground and sitting in a chair then sitting me on his lap like I was a toddler needing comfort.

I curled up in his embrace and let the tears pour, and gulped in air to keep myself alive. Why, I don't know.

"Of all the names in the world," he sighed, stroking my face.

"It wasn't just that," I explained, telling him what she had said.

"Shit shit shit," he murmured.

"That's what I did, so I don't know why I am crying, it was my decision," I cried.

"You had no other option," he whispered, holding my hand.

"I could have found a live in job as a Nanny or something. There were ways, I just couldn't see that at the time."

"Bella, I am so sorry for failing you when you needed me. You were so young, I had no right to leave you like that to cope alone, whatever you decided to do. I should have told Carlisle everything and taken you home with me."

"We can see everything clearly now it's too late," I replied.

We sat in the early morning sun and waited for the family group to take Sarah and the boy away, down the beach further.

"I think I want to go home now," I said. Daily encounters with this little family and their happiness in each other was not going to work for me.

I slept for most of the drive home and it was just as well, as the minute we pulled up at the Cullen house we were surrounded.

"What is going on?" Carlisle asked, not angry but concerned. Esme just opened her arms and welcomed me inside them. Alice was jumping around as always, demanding to know how we dared to do that to her?

Jasper looked the most worried and he stayed back, making himself busy with his children and only shooting the occasional look our way.

Rose had her arms crossed and was tapping her foot, a sure sign we were in trouble. Emmett was the only one truly smiling and he grabbed me off his mother and gripped me in a bear hug.

"Sister dear, you and Eddie have been very naughty and will pay, you know. The girls are very mad to not have gotten to dress you like a Christmas tree angel topper and have everyone admire their work. Where's your ring?" he suddenly asked.

"We were not prepared, we borrowed one from the registrar and had to give it back," I confessed.

"Cheapskate brother, you make him buy you the biggest and most expensive ring in the shop," he advised me.

I struggled free of his embrace and faced Edward.

"I can't do this as a crowd. You tell the men and I will tell Esme and the girls," I said quietly.

"Everything?" he queried, raising an eyebrow.

"Everything Edward, they all should know."

We females made our way upstairs into the little sunroom that was where Esme always took me for our chats as I was growing up.

I started at the start, how I fell in love with Edward the day I met him, the extremes I went to to try and make him mine, the baby, the adoption, the wedding and honeymoon and the sad tale of our fellow guests and their offspring.

Esme cried the moment she heard about Edward and my 'relationship' at college and she held me close, and she didn't even waver or push me away when I told her the worse parts. Instead she held my hands and cried with me.

Alice was speechless, she was wounded that I had kept so much from her but I saw a glimmer of understanding and things clicked together in her head.

"It was Edward you were waiting for on your 18th birthday," she said, the only comment she made.

Rose looked horrified about the abortion/adoption and cried loudly, I guess having been able to keep all five of her sons, she was able to imagine better than most how it would have been to give a newborn baby boy up.

"Did you hold him?" she asked.

"Sort of," I admitted. "The nurse held onto him as well and I kissed him goodbye."

"So you smelt him and felt how soft his head was," she said in awe, like those things made it impossible to be able consider doing what I had done.

I nodded, I still felt that soft downy head in my dreams and I recalled the fresh, powdery smell whenever someone else's newborn was plonked in my arms.

Seven times I had endured it, with six of the babies being boys.

"How did you manage to smile and welcome our babies and not fall apart?" Rose asked.

"I guess I shut part of my heart off, Rose. It was really hard when you named Edward after your brother in law. I was so glad I was too angry to name our son that obvious choice."

"Jamie," said Alice, finally joining in.

"We have photos, somewhere. I get a new photo every year."

I went to Edward's room and opened the drawer he had always kept whatever he considered his own secrets in. We had passed the photos back and forth, neither wanting the other too keep them.

Esme got her Edward's album and we compared the two babies. Father and son, almost clones.

"What happens now?" she asked.

"Edward wants to meet him and have you all get to know him. It was an open adoption but I never have found the strength to open the photos, let alone visit them. Charlotte and Peter are really nice and they said from the start they welcomed family contact for him so he would know both his families. I wish I had kept in touch."

Carlisle walked into the room, his face set, pale and disillusioned in both of us, I imagined.

"I think you are doing the right thing. I almost told Edward he should fight for custody but he has explained how much you don't want that, so I guess we should try to salvage something, some kind of relationship, with our eldest grandson."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle." I muttered sadly.

"Bella, I don't understand, I don't know how my son could have walked away from you that day, but maybe it was just as well. Maybe with his support you would have done worse than give the baby away."

I shook my head and Esme growled at her husband.

"Bella would never see that as a solution. It would have just turned one tragedy into two."

I walked downstairs and started making coffee. Alice followed me down and put out mugs and cups and I made her tea as well.

"God, Bella. I thought I knew everything about your life and I knew so little. I wish you had confided in me, I may have managed to talk my brother into doing the right thing."

"We were both pretty messed up, Alice. I don't know if it would have been better if he had married me, it wasn't what he wanted at the time, no matter what he says now. I saw his face, his eyes, when he thought I was going to spring the trap on him."

Edward walked into the room.

"I'm so sorry you saw that, really, I was thinking a lot of things but I had no idea I was that distressed, I was scared and sorry and looking for a way to fix things. I was in shock, probably. By the time I got back here I knew exactly what I had to do but it seemed to be too late by then. I didn't know the truth."

He stood behind me and carefully put his arms around my waist. I knew he wanted me to say it was okay now, and we were a couple and we would get to know Jamie and have more children but I didn't know what I wanted, at all.

The sound of my cellphone ringing gave me a chance to escape outside.

"Mom," I said in surprise. Renee and I rarely talk and usually I have to call her.

"Is it true, are you and Edward Cullen married?" she asked.

"God, sorry, sort of," I answered.

"Bella, how can you be sort of married? You are or you aren't."

"I guess legally we are but emotionally there is a hell of a long way to go before we become a real couple," I admitted.

I turned and saw Edward standing within hearing range, his hands fisted.

Nothing seemed to be going my way today.

"Sure, I can leave in the morning," I said.

"What? Bella, I didn't mean you had to come here.." she answered, confused.

"It's fine. Mom, I wanted to visit you anyway, I will be on a plane in the morning. See you then."

I closed the phone and went inside, straight to my bedroom to pack whatever was no longer in my bags.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward insisted on driving me to the airport so Carlisle assured him Marcus was still covering his shifts anyway.

"Don't go, we can't start to sort things out if we are apart. You were the one who said we should try again," he reminded me.

"I don't know what I want any more but I do know I need some time and space or my head will explode and I will say things you will never forgive. I need to get away and think things through."

"Can I call you?" he asked.

"Leave it a few days, please. I will call you when I am ready to talk to you."

He became anxious and agitated in the airport, pulling me in close, kissing the top of my head, asking me a dozen times if I really intended coming back.

"I think so," I finally answered.

"You won't go off on a book tour and use it as an excuse to stay away from me?" he asked.

I paled, it had been Plan B if I decided I couldn't try again with him after all. There's always some place wanting a tour, I could easily have my agent arrange one. My readers in Canada had been asking since two books ago, it would be a way to spend time apart and see how things seemed with distance between us.

My Mom was flustered and unprepared for my visit but I spent most of my time laying outside on a lounger in the sun, so she got used to it and lived her life uninterrupted.

I almost called Edward a dozen times but I started to think we had left things too late and maybe it was safer if we both moved on apart.

I knew what it was, I was scared to try again, what if the feelings never returned? What if we tried and became friends and it never moved past that point? I had already been through this with Jacob, you can't just decide how you will feel about a person, the feelings are there, or not.

Jake and I had tried to be something more after I finished college and he went on tour with me now and then if he had nothing pressing to do. He was fun and easy company.

But try as we did, we never fell in love with one another.

That would have been far too simple and easy.

I was weighing up where to go after I left when my Mom stood, looking at me, frowning.

"Bella, is there any chance you could be pregnant?" she asked.

"Why?" I asked, surprised.

"You are standing out there glowing. I only ever looked like that once in my life. When I was carrying you."

I bought a 2 stick test and a backup and even when all four sticks bore wide smiles, I didn't believe it. We had been together exactly once, how did this happen?

Renee was quietly happy, but I knew I could wipe the smile off her face. I told her the whole history of Edward and then I left, so I wouldn't have to cope with her censure.

She had no problem accepting me giving Jamie away, but then, she had no problem abandoning me, either. Maybe it was genetic.

xxx xxx xxx

Jessica looked up in surprise.

"So, the wanderer returns. How was _Fawks?"_ she asked, using the most disparaging hick tone she could manage. Jess had been thrilled to escape and come be my PA.

"Fine, I guess," I answered, sitting down on the visitor's chair opposite her.

"Coffee?" she asked, pouring a cup as I hastily refused her offer. It was like poison to me now, bitter and unpalatable. I was not sick as such, just some foods and drinks were so repugnant I could heave just by thinking about them.

"Do you want a laugh?" she asked, sorting through a pile of magazines. She pointed at a headline on the front cover.

_Top selling Author Weds Childhood Sweetheart_

She snorted and grinned at me.

"That's you and Edward Cullen. Remember him, tall, skinny, had the hot brother? Way too old for us but very delicious none the less. I guess if they have to make up lies, at least they paired you with a hottie. Though he must be kind of middle aged by now," she giggled.

"Thirty two is not really middle-aged, Jess," I corrected.

"It is to us youngsters. Aro has been in a few times. He took me to dinner, I tell you, if you have lost interest, I will gladly take him off your hands. That is one yummy piece of manmeat and Jessica likes her meat."

She looked up as she sipped her caffeine and frowned.

"What? What am I missing?" she asked.

"I did marry Edward Cullen," I replied.

"Shit! Fuck! Sorry! I mean, sorry for saying he was old. What the fuck, Bella! You go away for a few weeks and you come back married to a man I didn't even know you knew. Oh, you were Alice's best friend. You are Alice's best friend. I barely ever saw her brothers, I kind of forgot they existed once that hot Emmett married that blond chick. I never liked Edward. Ooops, sorry, forget I said that."

I laughed.

"It's fine."

At least I could rest assured he had never slept with Jess, then.

"There's more but I can't explain. Put it this way, Aro is definitely on the market again as far as he and I are concerned. I have a short book tour then I am returning to Forks, maybe for a long time, I don't know. Don't worry, I need you to keep running things here, I will keep in touch by phone and fax and email. I have half the draft finished for the next book, I anticipate it being finished within a couple more months. Then I am taking a break."

"What sort of break? You never take breaks."

"Maternity leave. Now not a single word. If _Top Selling Author Pregnant _Appears anywhere I will know it was you, because only you, I and Renee know. And you will be looking for a new job. Deal?"

"Deal," she sighed.

xxx xxx xxx

The book tour was to be a fairly short one for a change so I packed carefully, taking mix and match, nothing superfluous to my needs. My waistbands were getting tight already so I took only looser, hang out blouses and hoped I was not going to expand too fast. I was only about two minutes pregnant for Heaven's sake, what was the story?

Honestly, I can eat for America normally, and not gain an ounce, yet when pregnant it's like every calorie multiplies a million fold and sticks to my hips, my bum and my normally flat waist. I sidled up to the mirror and ran a hand over my belly. No, it had not altered. Yet.

My backside looked bigger, maybe. Did it? Was it the skirt? I opened the door to my rarely worn outfits closet and flicked through, looking for clothing that didn't cling to me like a second skin, which was what I normally preferred but I had no intention of ending up on some magazine cover before I broke the news to those who needed to know first. My hippie skirt and top sat there, smiling colorfully at me, making me remember.

I was not telling Edward our news by phone, and I both happily anticipated, and feared, his reaction this time.

I still couldn't get that look out of my brain, all these years later.

It had horrified me, it was a wonder I hadn't gone through with the termination when you think about it. I went from being his favorite sex toy to his enemy, almost.

Regretting the past was pointless, we were adults, both of us, this time, and we would behave as such.

My mind was still rushing back and forth. Give him the child and disappear into the night and let him raise it alone? Stay, pretend I loved him, spend the rest of my life playing a role so we could raise the baby together?

Run away and never tell him, and keep the baby for myself?

Damn paparazzi would ruin that plan, especially if this baby had the same hair and eyes as his father and brother. It would be impossible to deny any coppertopped child was from a random hook up, and he would fight me tooth and nail, and probably contest for custody of Jamie as well, if I did that.

God, who knew one got more fertile with age? I slept with him for almost a whole year before conceiving the first time, this time, once! Seriously! Did the universe have it in for me or what?

The plane trip was not too bad, I sipped on sparkling soda water and managed to not puke, always a bonus.

As I left the plane and entered the airport, the captivating aroma hit me.

Cinnamon. Sugar. Donuts.

Before even claiming my one bag from the luggage carousel, I pushed my way through the waiting customers and hoped someone would recognise me and find me special enough to put to the front of the line.

"Oh my God, you are Bella Swan!"

YES, yes I am, give me donuts!

"I love your books, I named my daughter Ryanne after your Ryanne. Oh, she is here, just let me get her out of her pram, can I take a photo of you with her? Hold these."

She shoved a white paper bag whose bottom was already shining with moisture from the hot donuts inside.

I opened the bag and sniffed in the smell and grabbed one, shoving virtually the whole thing inside my mouth at once.

Oh My God, this was better than an orgasm.

Similar, in fact.

Every cell of my body was celebrating as I chewed and stole another, then a third. Where was that woman anyway? Was she coming back or could I do a runner?

The fourth piece of sweet deliciousness met it's Fate, but this time I chewed it slowly, s l o w l y , moaning a little, then I realised the bag was empty and I hurriedly dropped it in the trash bin.

"So, this is Ryanne, we are hoping for a boy, next time, and he will be Brody! Brody Eric Travis Demetri, I mean, all those men! So fantastic! Would you just hold her, maybe over here, near the window."

I moved away and accepted the large and somewhat plain child, she didn't have a lot of chances to grow up and be anything like Ryanne, to be honest.

"Where did I put my donuts?" the woman muttered as the girl started twisting in my arms and trying to escape.

"One minute, honeypie, Mommy just wants a picture with this nice lady. What did I do with my donuts! If she had a donut she would smile."

I shrugged, who knows what happens to unattended donuts, this is America, woman, anyone could have stolen them. I could hardly be expected to keep guard for you. Too many shifty people, willing to steal a person's hot, soft, sweet treats, that's the problem with America today.

Donut thieves.

She snapped off a couple of photos and I dumped her kid back into her arms and went off to find somewhere that made milkshakes. Banana milkshakes. Chocolate milkshakes. God, I was still starving.

"Chocolate banana milkshake," I ordered.

The attendant raised an eyebrow but made my drink and I had the straw in my mouth as I counted out change to pay for it. Delicious.

I found a spare piece of wall and leaned against it, closed my eyes and sucked.

"Hmm, I didn't think you went for sex in public," a velvety voice whispered. "Those moans sound familiar."

"Wedwed," I opened my eyes and muttered in surprise around the straw. "Waf are you dobing here?"

He laughed.

"Maybe you should finish that before you speak. What the heck is wrong with you, anyway? Four cinnamon donuts, stolen from a poor, innocent and maybe starving child, and now a double flavor milkshake? I have never seen you like this. Haven't you eaten at all this week?"

He held my bag up to show me he had claimed it for me already and grabbed my hand, leading me to a nice, shiny convertible in the Avis lot.

"Consider yourself kidnapped. I was wrong about be willing to sit at home and wait for you, so here I am. Now, you have a book signing on Wednesday, but nothing until then, so I am taking you off on a mystery tour , though I am rethinking our destination, maybe we need to stay somewhere closer to a McDonald's."

"Oh go ahead, laugh all you want," I growled, sucking noisily on the straw. Damn cup was defective, there was nothing left in it. I sucked again just to make sure. Edward grabbed it out of my hands and tossed it in a trash bin.

"I don't think that was empty," I protested.

"No, it still had the wax coating on the cardboard left," he agreed.

I climbed into the passenger seat and lay my head back against the headrest. Now my hunger was gone, sleep beckoned.

God, I love pregnancy, you are free to do whatever you want so long as you do what your body orders immediately, first. It's like some little mind controlling alien gets in there and takes over.

Edward turned the radio on and my eyelids drooped as he drove us quickly away from the airport. Sleep, my new best friend, took me over and I sank lower in the seat and slept.

xxx xxx xxx

I woke up to the smell of french fries and wondered who I had to kill to get them for myself.

Edward was gone, the car was sitting beside a petrol bowser, and that smell..

I turned my head to see a grinning Edward standing beside my side of the car.

"What would Bella give me for a nice, hot, fatty serve of fries, I wonder?" he mused and I grabbed the box from his hand and politely stuffed several into my mouth.

God, I was pregnant with a piranha.

He slid back into the driver's seat and we wove out between the traffic and along a scenic road twisting and turning up a mountainside.

The view was amazing, yet not as amazing as the potato meal in my hand.

"Oh, do you want any?" I asked when I realized he had nothing for himself and I was down to the last half dozen fries.

"If you think I am risking putting my hand between those fries and your teeth, you are crazy!" he laughed.

I scowled and ate another handful.

I lifted the one last fry and placed it between his teeth and he held it there like a cigarette.

Fuck, he looked hot. No, really hot. I'm not kidding, like hotter than ...anyone.

Fuck no, those 'other' pregnancy cravings are kicking in!

I rubbed my thighs together , my hands between my knees and looked at Edward and licked the salt and fat from my lips.

Delicious.

Him and the leftovers.

My eyes refused to look at the view and Edward was laughing at me!

What a complete pig, he put this monster inside me, now he laughs?

Oh, wait, he has no idea it's even in there. Act normal, Bella.

Pregnancy clearly equals insanity with me but I don't remember being this out of control last time. Maybe I was too depressed and weighed down by the decision I knew had to be made. I made it quite early, actually. My child deserved a decent life with great parents who would love and adore it, and that was my mantra.

Do what's best for the baby.

I didn't actually hold him as such, I only touched the blanket when the nurse offered his little head to me to kiss goodbye. Until then, he stayed in the nursery behind glass and I just looked through it at him.

That was bad enough.

"When Jamie was born, I didn't hold him. I just let the staff look after him until I kissed him goodbye. It seemed the best thing to do. I wish I had held him," I said.

Edward looked at my face and smiled a sad smile.

"Charlotte and Peter have agreed to us visiting him. I thought we could fly there once this tour is done."

"Where do they live?" I asked.

"Atlanta, Georgia."

"Nice," I murmured.

"I'm glad he wasn't born looking like you," I said.

"Am I that repulsive?" Edward asked.

I snorted.

"Yes, you are. No, I didn't want to have to give away a mini you. I don't know if I could have done it, but I had to."

"I know that, Bella. I think you did the right thing, all in all. You did your best."

"Do you really mean that? I have been wracked with guilt, too, you know. Handing my baby away like some unwanted puppy."

"I do mean that. I will regret my actions that led to you having to make that choice until the day I die."

I shut my eyes and slept soundly, waking up in a rustic cabin, surrounded by mountains. Edward was unstacking groceries, a lot of groceries.

"Aren't we only staying three days, until Wednesday?' I asked, sitting up and tossing my hair off my face. Oh, need to pee.

I stood up and looked around wildly.

"Through that door there," Edward said, pointing.

I hurried off, damn bladder owns me as well.

When I got back, he was lying across the bed, the only bed, it seemed. The cabin was one large room with a kitchen area, little wooden table and three chairs, a sofa and telly, and this large, soft bed.

There was a bath in the bathroom, maybe Edward would sleep in it.

He patted the space beside him and I lay down, watching him warily. He placed a hand on my belly and smiled at me.

"When did you find out?" he asked.

"What?" I scowled and delayed.

"That we are having a baby," he said, lifting my blouse and kissing my belly.

"At Renee's. I can't be showing yet, how did you know?"

"I am a doctor. When women come to me ravenous and sleeping during the day and...feeling certain feelings in their loins, it's pretty obvious what the diagnosis is, Bella."

My loins were feeling those feelings and I shut my eyes to somehow make them behave.

I felt his hand lower, rubbing a circle around my belly button, then slide inside the elastic waist of my panties, palming my mound deliciously and I sighed out loud and slid the offending underwear down without opening my eyes.

Okay, I was feeling very whorish but it wasn't my fault and his beautiful long fingers were exploring, opening my folds, stroking.

Bliss.

He nudged my legs apart and I frowned, this was enough, I just needed that hand...mouth, okay, I can work with that.

His tongue slid back and forth and made my clit swell further and I knew I was embarrassingly damp down there.

His tongue didn't seem to care, it lapped at my sex and he pushed it inside and made me raise my pelvis closer. My whole body was buzzing with a gentle hum, not yet frantic, just enjoying the ride. The destination would come anyway, so I wanted a nice, long, slow trip.

He lifted his face and placed one of his thumbs inside his mouth, sucking on it and watching me with those jade green gems.

I smiled lazily and he took his thumb out and placed it gently on my clit, swirling it around, making me buck. He pushed two fingers inside me and started stroking and curling them and I knew this was not going to take long at all.

He caught my gaze and watched as my eyes widened and my mouth opened slightly and my body shook. The pulsing didn't seem to stop, he was stroking me gently but continuously and I felt like I was going to combust.

"So beautiful, my favorite thing ever is to watch is you coming when I touch you," he murmured, nuzzling his usual spot under my ear.

"Mmmm," I replied articulately. That college education and being a published author meant I had a way with words.

Just could not seem to form any right now.

My brain was making pictures, him naked, on me, in me, pushing in and pulling out again.

"Edward, I want you to make love to me, please," I asked him quietly.

I closed my eyes and felt the bed move as he discarded his clothing. I rolled away and he spooned his body around mine and entered inside me from the back, his thumb back on my greedy clit, stroking gently. His other hand found my breasts and he squeezed and cupped them, rolling a nipple, and I hissed a little, they were supersensitive already.

His hands were igniting my entire body and I pushed hard into his lap, wriggling my backside shamelessly. He ground back against me in return and thrust inside harder.

God yes.

Yes, yes, yes, such a nice word.

He eased me onto my knees, my head still flat on the bed, and knelt behind, never leaving my body completely, holding my hips and bending to kiss my back as he rocked in deeper, and my eyes fluttered open and I saw us reflected in a mirror on the wall. The sight of his naked ass, thrusting, my body responding, his lips on my back as he clutched me more upright, against his chest and kept pushing in and out. I felt wetter, watching, who knew I was a perv?

He turned us slightly so we were front on to the reflection and caught my gaze in the mirror, watching me watching us. His smile was one of pure adoration and love and I remembered that smile, I had seen it very occasionally in college, the day at the beach when he accidentally 'proposed', the market day, the night in the pool after we broke in to the closed resort.

He pushed my legs open wider and circled my clit, and I watched his hand bringing me closer to absolute delight in the mirror, dropping my head back onto his shoulder but still watching us.

"Fuck, you are so hot, I want you all the time," he cried out.

His words took me over the brink and I sighed in satisfaction and watched him pound inside me harder, until he stilled and clutched me possessively, holding me still and close, pushing his pelvis up flush as he came deep within my sex.

I was fully impaled on him and it felt awesome. I squiggled a little, and he opened his eyes and smirked.

"You want more? So this is like the donuts, you can't stop at one? Or two? How many, Bella? Is four the magic number?"

He withdrew and turned me to face him, straddling me over his thighs, my wet sex glistening as he pushed inside, his hands clawing at my backside, pushing until he was fully flush where we joined.

He started rocking slowly, his lips catching my upper lip and mouthing it then sucking on my lower lip, hungrily, then pulling away, coming back again to meet my lips straight on, open, his tongue inside my mouth, exploring, battling with my own tongue, the feelings shaking me as they hit. The last time he kissed me like this, I was in love with him, completely, utterly in love with him, consumed by his very presence.

"Bella, my Bella, I love you so much," he cried as he rocked and flexed his pelvis and ground against my clit that was so used to responding now, it just went with the pull and I came hard, shaking, as he pumped his seed inside me again.

"I love you, Edward," I cried, lost in the feelings and sensations.

I didn't even realize what I had said until he stilled and looked at me, cupping my face with his hands.

His green eyes were happy and loving and surprised, and I wondered where the heck that had come from, as he kissed my lips gently, sweetly, with reverence.

"I,I..."

"It's okay, you were caught up in the moment. It happens," he whispered, his hands gentle in my hair, caressing my head. He held my face against his chest and withdrew from inside me, laying us down, but keeping my head there , maybe so he didn't have to look in my eyes and see the confusion.

We lay together in silence, the words hanging in the air between us.

Did I mean them?

Was it just hormones? Memories, old feelings reminding me of other times, other places, other passion.


	9. Chapter 9

Happily Ever After With My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter 9

The Present

"What do you want, Bella?" Edward asked, stroking my hair as I lay against him in the dark.

"For now, just to talk. I need some answers," I added.

"Ask me anything," he replied.

"What were you thinking that night in the pool? After the engagement party? Do you remember?"

"Of course I do. I was thinking I wanted to kill James for calling you my fuckbuddy. I was thinking how much more you deserved.

I was thinking how right you felt in my arms. I was wishing we had more time. I was wishing I could wave a magic wand and make you older."

"Older?" I questioned. I thought men liked their girls young.

"Older so I could keep y_ou forever."_

"Why didn't you? Keep me, if you felt that way?"

"Because Carlisle had warned me so many times that you were too young, I was too old, we were not a suitable couple. I was thinking in my head that I wished there was a way to stop time and stay in that moment forever. I was happy, you were happy, nobody knew anything. I wanted so much more from you that night. Sex seemed irrelevant and cheap, somehow. I just wanted to pretend we were in love, I guess."

"I was in love," I answered.

"I was too, in that moment anything seemed possible."

"But the feeling passed," I added.

"Real life intruded again, too soon."

"What about the day at the beach?"

He laughed.

"The proposal? I couldn't believe I said that out loud. We felt so right together, I guess my subconscious was just saying what I couldn't. That you were mine, made for me alone, and I wanted to keep you forever."

"Then you freaked."

"Of course I did. I had successfully ignored that little voice inside that had told me I needed to keep you and then it spoke, with my voice. It scared me," he admitted.

"What about the day at the market?" I asked.

"That day I wanted us to be someone different, not 25 year old Edward and his beautiful but too young Bella, I wanted to be your contemporary and there was no way to do it. I thought the clothes might change us into a different couple. I wanted to create some memories to keep."

"What about the week before you left college? You were horrid to me."

"I know, and I am sorry. I had to create a gulf between us or I couldn't have walked away. You know what I mean. Had you been in my bed with me and had we made love, I would not have been able to go, so I became the monster I saw myself as, the monster my father and your father would have accused me of being. I needed space and your hate to enable me to leave. I deeply regret the many horrible ways I treated you. I can understand even now you cannot forget and love me again, but it was all my doing. I killed your love."

"Tell me about that night."

"I just had no reason to live. I had lost you by my own hand, and I had killed the baby, so I believed, and you wouldn't forgive me. I knew I didn't deserve forgiveness but I needed it so desperately, Bella. I had been sitting on the cliff at La Push and wondering how sure death would be if I just jumped. Then I thought, maybe Bella doesn't hate me, really, maybe she thinks there is some part of me worthy of saving. But there wasn't. I didn't blame you, I ruined your life and left you bereft. I didn't deserve to live. I was a killer, Bella. I killed my own baby. There's no coming back from that."

"God, I wish we had talked properly. I deeply regret not telling you the truth. I felt like I was unworthy of ever having another baby for giving Ben away, and I hated you for taking that option away from me."

"Ben? You named him."

"I named him a dozen times, I never quite found the right name but the first one was Ben so he was Ben in my heart, until I knew he was Jamie. I forget sometimes. He was Ben when he was mine."

"Do you know what they named him?" he asked.

"Jamie," I answered, confused.

"Benjamin James. After their fathers. Benjamin already had a grandson named for him so they call him Jamie."

We lay there silently in the dark.

Benjamin James.

He was still my Ben.

"Tell me about the birth," Edward asked.

"I was petrified. I denied I was in labor for hours, I took a bath, painkillers, walked through the contractions. It wasn't until my water broke and freaked Samantha out that she forced me into the car and drove me to hospital. The nurse kept telling me I was ready to push but I didn't, I resisted, I kept panting and let him stay inside as long as I could. Then they said his heartbeat was dipping so I pushed him out. He was leaving me already, Edward. As soon as he was delivered and they cut the cord and he breathed and cried. He wasn't part of me any more. Someone else could keep him safe now, better than I could. I was no longer needed.

I loved having him inside me, I called him my little Nudger. He would kick and push against my hand. He was wonderful, Edward. Growing a baby inside is a miracle. But I didn't deserve to keep him. I had nothing, no-one. I had lost my part time job, I had nothing to give him. Babies cannot live on love, Edward. Had he been anyone else's child, I would have gone to Esme and begged her to let us live with them for a while, but I knew I couldn't do that. She would know. I couldn't let her know. I promised you nobody would ever know. I kept my promise to you. I couldn't kill him but I could still set you free like you wanted. I knew it was all I had left to offer. A proper family who loved him for him, freedom for you."

"Heartache for you," he added, kissing my head.

Edward sat up and pulled me onto his lap and stroked my face. He didn't have to speak, I knew he was sorry. I knew he would change things if he could have, even if it meant giving up his own life.

God, if he had died that night.

It didn't bear thinking about.

I would have had to die too.

I could never live in a world where there was no Edward.

He cooked pancakes when the sun rose and we sat in silence but it was a companionable silence. We knew each other's pain.

"Let's forget the book tour and go meet Jamie," I suggested.

I called Jess, coward that I am, told her about the strange yet highly contagious horrible virus I had and she promised to cancel everything.

We drove across the country, slowly, staying in small inns and country pubs and cabins.

Finally, we were in front of a gorgeous, enormous, white three storey house.

"I don't think I can go in," I gasped, my breath seemed to be strangled in my throat. Maybe I really was sick.

"Come on, Love, he is waiting for us."

Edward helped me from the car, and my jelly legs somehow held my weight.

A small, beautiful boy opened the door.

My eyes were transfixed on him. Charlotte was right behind.

"Jamie, this is Edward and Isabella. Remember what I told you?"

He stood tall and held out a small hand to Edward, who grinned at me, then took it, shaking it as the child gravely spoke.

"How do you do, sir?"

"You have beautiful manners, Jamie. I am very glad to meet you."

The child faced me and leaned up, so I bent and felt his soft lips kiss my cheek.

"Thank you for letting me grow inside your belly, Miss Isabella."

I smiled and covered my mouth with one hand. He was perfect.

"Hi again, Bella. Hello, Edward, I am Charlotte, obviously. Please come in. We practised that greeting, he may have gotten a little excited and ad libbed that last bit."

Somehow I stumbled inside, with Edward supporting my weight. I sank gratefully into a chair and stared at my flesh and blood.

Edward and Jamie talked, and I listened. He spoke beautifully, and seemed very advanced for his age.

"I plan to become a doctor when I grow up," he informed his father.

"Wow, I am a doctor and so is my father, Carlisle," Edward answered.

"Yes, Peter explained it may have some genetic patterning," the child replied, making Edward raise an eyebrow.

"Jamie has been tested and classed as a virtual genius, he is very advanced," Charlotte said quietly , sitting beside me, taking my hand. I appreciated the touch and smiled at her. She looked no older than last time we had met.

"I will make coffee, or tea? Which do you prefer?" she asked.

"Tea at the moment, thanks," I replied and she raised an eyebrow herself.

I followed her to the kitchen, leaving Edward to get to know his son.

"Bella, Jamie is like Edward's clone child. Are you two married now? He mentioned you were together."

"Hm, yes, married, pregnant," I admitted.

"Oh, congrats. Same here. Three months. A total surprise, after all these years of believing it was impossible. Peter is beyond thrilled. He wants another boy. I hope it is a girl, I don't imagine we will be granted any more miracles. Two seems amazing enough."

"You are pregnant?" I asked, in disbelief.

"Bella, we were told by seven specialists this would never happen, we didn't lie to you. This is totally unexpected."

I nodded.

I was stunned. Somehow I managed to answer questions about my pregnancies and not collapse. Edward and Jamie sat at the table and drank coffee and hot cocoa. Jamie showed us his room, he had everything imaginable plus a microscope, and telescope set up to observe the stars. He and Edward discussed star charts on the wall and I sat there and watched them together.

Charlotte snapped off photos and emailed them to us immediately before we left. Edward arranged to come back the next day and we left, kissing this intense, intelligent little boy we had created.

I was silent all the way to the fancy apartment we were staying in for the week.

Edward led me inside and ran a bath and helped me in with him, holding my back against his chest.

"He is amazing, isn't he?" he finally said, holding his hands on my still flat belly. "Did you see what he was reading? He reads at eleven years 3 month level, how amazing is that?"

"Edward, we have to get him back," I cried out.

"Bella, baby, he is happy and settled and Charlotte is very willing to have us take a role as his uncle and aunt type thing. It's best, you were right."

I shook my head continuously.

"No, Edward, he is ours. You have to fight them and get him back. I want you to."

"Bella, it's too late. He is his own person, he is Jamie Cameron now. He is still ours but we can't have him, he lives with them. We can see him and email and talk on the phone. But we can't take him, Bella. He is happy there, he has a whole life and a future."

I cried all night, clasped on Edward's chest, drowning his wife beater he wore to bed.

"I cannot believe you don't want him," I gasped.

"Of course I want him but we created this situation between us and we have to honor it. This is what price we pay, Bella. I am not filing anything. Not now I have met him and seen how well they are raising him. He deserves a happy life. We will pay for our actions, but once he turns eighteen, we will be able to have him treat us however he chooses. We have to build a relationship so strong by then that he may choose to treat us as another set of parents. It's the best we can hope for now."

"I just want him back. I wish we hadn't come. It's too real now. He is too real. He is so like you, Edward."

"Believe me, I know what you are going though. Similar to what I did when Adam was born. You feel you did the wrong thing, the utterly worst thing, but you didn't. However, if we try and rip him off them, then we would be doing the wrong thing."

"They are having a baby. Charlotte is pregnant."

"Bella, that doesn't mean they will love him less or no longer deserve him. I bet he will enjoy having someone to grow up with."

"He could have his own brother to grow up with."

"Bella, baby, let this go. Please. We have to divide things into what we wish we could have but can't, and what we can have, and salvage those. We can't take Jamie back, we can have a full relationship with him if we choose to obey the rules of decency and keep putting him and his needs first, above our own. We can still have a life worth living if we choose to try and stay together and raise this new baby right. Make up for our mistakes of the past, which we are paying for now. But we are strong, you are strong, you did the right thing before, you can keep doing the right thing now, Love. I know we will always hurt but we will learn to live with the hurt because the alternative is to pass that hurt on to Jamie instead, and neither of us would do that."

xxx

We met the Cameron family in a park with a children's playground and I video'ed Edward pushing our son on a swing, and playing baseball with Peter and several other boys, but most frames were of Jamie. Charlotte brought albums of photos with her and we looked through them as she explained the circumstances of each shot, where they were, what they were doing. I reluctantly handed them back.

"No, they are yours. I made two of every album from the start. I thought you needed to see him grow and just everyday shots, so you would know how happy he has been. He completed our world and we have tried to be the best parents ever. I know you must be regretting giving him up but we have done our best, Bella. We love him and he loves us."

"I wish I had kept him, somehow, some way," I cried, covering my eyes.

"Of course you do, it would be harder to understand if you didn't feel that way."

Edward ran over and pulled me into his arms and stroked my hair. He sat there rocking me until I stopped crying. Charlotte was in tears herself.

"Hey, ladies, you have to remember the babies on board and calm down. Stress is not good." he warned. "Remember why you did this, Bella. You wanted the best life for him. He has that. Be happy, don't make him afraid of seeing us again."

I tried to smile and after a while, we were talking quietly and I started to accept this was the way it was going to be. I could stay away and refuse to see Jamie again, and save my pain a little, or I could enjoy every minute of his company, but I could not cry over the past and unsettle him. That had to wait for the privacy of night and our bed.

We left soon after but I forced myself to smile and be happy and even be in some photos with our son.

Peter was great, as I remembered.

"Hey Bella, he is still your son. He is also our son, the son of all four of us. We are so glad you want to be part of his life. Once he gets to know you and Edward, you can even take him on holidays and have your family visit. Whenever you are ready. We know how very lucky we are that you chose us to share him with but he is still the baby who you carried and kept safe and gave birth to, and he knows that. I want him to visit you when he grows up, we want to be half his parents, and you and Edward are the other half. He will love you in no time. You are a wonderful, brave lady and he will know that. It took courage to give him a better life and courage to visit him now. You are a great example of true love and unselfishness."

I slept in the car, exhausted. Edward carried me to our temporary bed and slid in beside me and we talked about what a great kid we had been party to creating.

"This baby will be just as amazing, and we will get to keep it and raise it ourselves and introduce it to Jamie, and Charlotte's baby. He will have at least two siblings, Bella love."

"Edward," I sighed happily.

"Yes," he replied, no doubt wondering what drama would unfold next.

"I realized something today."

"What was that, my love?"

"That the reason I want him back is because he is yours and I love you, Edward."

"That's good, my Bella. I'm glad you do love me, I suspect you always did, maybe a little. Like I always loved you. Just a little."

"A big little," I replied.

"Yes, love, a big little."

xxx

We attended a meeting with Jamie's teachers and blushed with pride and amazement at how clever he clearly was. All were of the opinion medicine would hold little challenge to our boy if he stuck with his decision. I guess he had good genes. Carlisle was fascinated to hear everything about Jamie each night when Edward rang the Cullen house and clearly they were all hoping to meet him soon.

Charlotte and Peter suggested everyone come to Jamie's seventh birthday party next month and Edward thought that was a great idea, so leaving would not be as hard as it could have been, knowing we would soon be back.

Edward gave Jamie his stethoscope, and the boy's eyes lit up in wonder and joy. Edward showed him how to find the heartbeat of the baby inside Charlotte. Too quiet to detect yet, but soon he would be able to discover it himself.

I hugged the photo albums to my chest as we drove back for our second last night in the apartment, and we looked at them over and over in bed at night. I felt hopeful and excited, from now on his photos would occasionally include us all, his four parents. And one day we too would have albums full of the recording of a small life we were creating.

Edward and Peter took him fishing from a lake nearby the next day and I lay on Charlotte's couch and listened to her tell me of the special moments she would never forget. Every day since they brought him home had been special to them, but certain days were highlights. Her first Mother's Day , where she finally got to receive cards as well as give them, Peter's first Father's Day, celebrating as a participant with his friends and brothers as an equal at last, with a son of his own.

Just going to a playground pushing a pram instead of peering wistfully into everyone else's prams and wondering why not them too? Why had they drawn the most painful short straw?

I knew our loss was their gain but they were hardly to blame. They rescued Jamie when he needed a home and family, and we failed to provide that for him, simple fact. Edward was right, I knew that, but it didn't make the pain any less. We had to hold on to what we had and could have, and forgive each other and grab on to what was possible. We could have had it all, but now we could still have something good and worthwhile, and know in our hearts we were doing the right thing by our firstborn.

Some things are hard to live with, but our lives were enriched already by knowing him. It was better to meet him and be in his presence now and again than to keep ourselves closed off to him. He still needed to know us, for his own sake, and we would have to always remember, he came first in every action we took.

The boys came home, fish free but happy, Jamie talking incessantly about the fish that got away. Edward's face was flushed with happiness and I knew we would make this work.

Both the relationship with our son and our own relationship.

While Charlotte and Peter organised dinner, we three sat together and Jamie told me how Edward had lost his bait repeatedly, then his entire fishing rod had disappeared when he wasn't holding it firmly and the only fish in the river had taken his bait.

Jamie seemed quite at home with us, and he asked us both questions about his grandparents and cousins, and we promised to email photos. He was excited to hear about Emmett's tribe of boys, and couldn't wait to meet them himself.

He knew about Charlotte's baby so we told him about ours, and he seemed quite impressed and expressed the hope he would get to visit when it was born.

Edward helped Peter with the cookout, and we all ate together, and kissed our extended family goodbye. We had to return home the next day but we took it slowly, and talked about the boy who was to be part of the family he was born into.

Esme would adore him, Carlisle would be so proud and assess his intelligence and be thrilled, Alice would make a dozen outfits for him, and the Emmett boy team would be eager to meet a new pack member.

Rose would never understand but she would accept what was done, was done, at some point, like we had to.

Edward slept with his body curled around mine, his hand never moving from where his child slept inside me.

Now I knew why it had taken a single act to conceive this child, he was a way of helping us cope. Edward had plans and dreams for this baby but they were all simple dreams, just becoming a father again, to a child he could keep and raise,that was all he wanted.

I was glad now that his actions had led us to this point.

Edward was always going to meet Jamie, would I have ever had the courage without his pushing? Probably not, I was more inclined to protect my heart as much as I could. We did need each other, and we were both adjusting to the new feelings, or old feelings being reborn, between us.

It was finally our time, and we were going to allow it to blossom and grow. Edward was completely non demanding, I was the one who initiated love making between us. He seemed so amazed he had my heart back that he was almost scared to ask for more, but I gave myself freely to him. He was the only man I ever loved, nobody else had ever entered my heart, and he had been there since I was thirteen.

I would change some things if I could turn back time, but never change being in love with Edward. That was part of who I was.

xxx xxx xxx

The Cullen's welcomed us home with open arms and questioned us both at length. Jasper picked up on the new status between us immediately and kissed my cheek.

"You chose right, Bella, he loves you more than life itself. He will do all he can to make you happy, and love you completely. Does it get better than that?"

"He already said no to me. I asked him to file for custody like he intended to, once we met Jamie, and he refused. He was right to, but I am glad he isn't just indulging my every whim. We have a lot to sort out, but I think we have a chance to make it, Jasper."

"I know you do, sweetheart. You are both meant for one another, never doubt that. Edward has never felt for any of the girls he spent time with. It was always you, Bella, always you. And I suspect, it was always Edward."

"Sometimes it takes a disaster to wake people up to the truth, I guess."

"You two will be okay and the little baby will make things even better. So, boy or girl? What do you think?"

"I think Edward will need a son but I would love to see him with a daughter first. I would love to see some little coppertopped toddler girl wind him around her little finger and make him dance to her bidding. You know he would be completely under her spell."

"Yes, little girls have that magical ability. Alicia knows it, and I dare say once the new sister arrives, I may as well put my hands in the air and give up. Two daughters, what was I thinking?" he laughed.

"I hope we have other children as well one day. I can't picture how many in my head. I know most women know these things, always know they want just the one or two or seven, but I can't see the right number for us."

"You will know, sweet Bella, one day the final baby will arrive and you will know you are done. Let's hope it's a ways down the track yet. These children of mine need some girl cousins."

"Jasper, I think Edward will want us to move and be closer to Jamie. I would miss you all so much if that happened, but I know I will agree. I will do whatever I can to make up to him for giving away his son."

"Bella, you had to do that. Edward's actions.."

"I know all that, but this is my sin. I signed the papers, I took his child and gave it to virtual strangers. The why's may have been his fault, but I made the decision to rob him of his child. I dreamed of turning up and handing the baby to him and going back to college. I could have done that, Jasper. I regret everything. I was so angry and sad and I guess I knew it would hurt him badly when he found out in the future. I had to cut him as sharply as he had cut me. Knowing the man you loved forever wanted you to risk your life getting rid of his own baby...that he preferred a child of ours die than be born... it was the worst moment of my life. I wished for a long time he had simply killed me instead, his words already had. Dying is easy, living is the hard part. Living with your decisions."

"I know that, sweetie. I wish I knew a way to make it better. But we cannot erase the past, only Thank God you defied him and let Jamie live."

"I guess my life was always going to be peppered with regrets. Nothing ever came easy to a Swan."

"Well, you are a Cullen now, and you know God has forgiven you because he has sent you another baby."

Jasper's words comforted me, and I held onto them and brought them out of their place in my mind whenever I doubted my right to have a second chance at motherhood.

Alice gave me a thousand childcare books but the more I read, the more confused I got. Rose told me she had never read a single book on raising children and hers were all turning out okay.

I doubted I had that natural ability she had. Rose would never have given up a single child, no matter what. She had more confidence and guts than I would ever have. She would have never allowed Emmett to use her as a fuckbuddy, she would have kicked his ass to the curb and demanded a wedding ring. She would have told him he could go fuck himself if he told her to abort. She would have not only had the baby, she would have sent accounts now due to him for every cent the child cost her.

And she would have dropped it into his arms to look after whenever she needed a break. Nobody would ever walk all over Rose.

I was weak, I guess Edward had been weak, now we had to swallow a spoonful of cement and harden up. We had a marriage to solidify before we had another passenger to accompany us on this journey of life.


	10. Chapter 10

Happily Ever After

Chapter 10

The Present

Well, they do say the path of true love never runs smoothly so I don't know why we would be an exception, and we weren't. Convincing Edward I was both capable of surviving and would enjoy some slightly rougher sex was a lost cause. He was determined to draw a line between the old us and the new, and apparently the new us only had soft and sweet gentle love making, not anything more.

"I can't go back to that, Bella. That was simply a way to remain detached, I never risked making love to you the way I wanted to then but now I can, and I will. I love you, I love our baby and I will never cause you pain again."

"I wasn't suggesting pain, I simply wanted more. These hormones drive me insane. I want you all the time and I am looking for more the moment we finish. I just think if we were a little wild, maybe the satisfaction would last longer."

"What exactly do you want, Bella?" he growled.

"A good hard fuck, Edward," I stated and left the room.

He left for work after breakfast but he shot glances at me throughout the meal. Esme picked up on it and assured me it was normal to take time to adjust to marriage and work out all the bugs and differences.

Jasper smiled knowingly and kissed my cheek after kissing a sleepy Alice goodbye. She was far more tired than I was, but then, she had two small children already. This was for all intents and purposes, my first.

The morning sickness that plagued Alice was far less severe for me, everyone got used to my sudden dashes to the kitchen to forage for food, just as they did when Alice headed for a bathroom and a session with the porcelain prince.

Rose decided as she had never had morning sickness with any of her boys, and Alice had escaped it while carrying Jack, that I must therefore be carrying a boy.

Edward had not mentioned which gender he was hoping for, he was still almost nervous, scared to embrace what he had in case he lost it again. That too was annoying me. Why couldn't he just accept what life offered while it was on the table and worry about losing it if that was what happened, when it happened?

Maybe joy and happiness had always been too fleeting in his life?

Carlisle offered to do the first dating and nuchal translucency scan at 14 weeks, a little later than recommended but it was where we were by the time we were settled in and ready, and Edward promised to be there. The blood test was painless but I kept my eyes tightly closed, I never like seeing blood drawn, coward that I am.

The scan was fascinating though, the entire baby fit on the screen still and as it was lying legs wide apart, Carlisle was sure of the gender even at this early stage.

"Three white lines," Edward murmured with a smile.

"Meaning?" I asked, confused.

Carlisle explained in female fetuses, the genitalia first showed as three parallel white lines between the legs.

"A girl?" I asked for confirmation.

"A girl. A rare treat in the Cullen family. Three girls to seven boys now."

Alice was thrilled, her daughter would now have a cousin close in age. Rose was happy but wistful. I know she would so enjoy a daughter. As she examined my scan photos, she told me she had hoped for three white lines each time, even though twenty boys would never be enough for Emmett.

"Why not have one more try?" asked Alice.

"I already had three one more tries. We kind of expected to have our family over after two kids. When Brandon was another boy, we had a 'one last try' and got Curtis. Our second 'one last try ' got us Damo and then of course, our Edward. I am not game to keep going."

"Oh piffle. I would have kept trying forever for a girl," said Alice.

"You say that but you didn't have to. You got Alicia first. At some point you have to call a halt and accept what you have."

I nodded, so true.

"I always knew I would have more girls than boys, I think a mother knows these things," Alice stated.

"Not for me," admitted Rose. "My main fear was never giving Emmett the son he craved. I kind of imagined myself with three girls in a row before we got a boy, before we started having kids. Then after Adam, I just assumed the rest would be girls. The Hale's always have a stack of girls and just the one boy. It's been that way for generations, on both my parents sides. My mom had five sisters and a single brother. My gran had eight sisters and two brothers."

"Ah, but the sex is determined by the male. The Cullen men always favor more boys. You were never in danger of missing out on a son. Jasper's family is very even, his step-sisters and step-brother have both genders, his cousins and so on all have mixed families. There is no family with just boys or just girls in his family tree as far as it has been recorded, five generations back. Even the parents who limited their offspring to two have one of each."

Technically Edward and I had hit the jackpot, one of each, a pigeon pair, but that was on paper only. We were going to parent a girl, and would not get to do so with a boy until another son turned up. If another son turned up. The thought he may not frightened me a little.

I desperately wanted to someday hold a son of Edward's in my arms again and know he was ours to raise.

But for now, we were enjoying the thrill of expecting a little girl. Edward could not walk past a baby store without buying yet another pink frilly frock. I decided to be the practical one and chose clothing with more practicality or this baby was doomed to spend her entire life resembling a birthday cake.

Also, the news had inspired him to want to nest and we were house hunting. There was a little cottage not far from the Cullen house I felt was ideal but Edward insisted was too small, having only three bedrooms. I pointed out, at the moment we only had plans for using two of them anyway and he gruffly replied any and every house we ever own will always contain a bedroom for Jamie. Whether he visited often or not, he was to have his own room, set up however he chose.

Carlisle and Emmett were sure the cottage could be extended easily and Carlisle made some enquiries and found out building approval had been granted already. The current owners had planned to add two extra bedrooms, another bathroom and a playroom for the kids when the wife was transferred too far away to make staying practical. With that new knowledge, Edward bought the house, to my joy.

Now we had a bedroom to redecorate and a nursery to plan.

Our bedroom was large and faced the sun and had three windows, a dormer on the front, normal windows on the back and side walls, so the room was flooded in light.

It was currently painted a rich plum that we both hated with passion, so us girls took on the task as soon as the property handover happened, and in no time the entire room was glossy, snowy, comforting white. Walls, doors, trims, ceiling, all white. It looked amazing.

Alice had a further idea. We had to buy curtains and bed linen anyway, so we went off to Port Angeles and searched for what she envisioned. All white furniture, all white draperies, the entire room was stunning in it's simplicity.

I loved it.

The floor was soft golden polished wood, thank God, I didn't think I would cope with total white, but it complemented the scheme and prevented starkness. The light fittings were grand and beautiful, and yes, white.

Just as the room was finished and our white metal bed dressed in it's pristine covers, who should walk in but Esme and Renee.

Esme I expected, she was here whenever the babies had another person to mind them, but Renee? It had been only a short time, in our measurement of visits, since I saw her last. Usually we went years between catching up in person.

She offered me a large box, tied with a ribbon, and I opened it, almost cringing, it was bound to be a rainbow tie dyed something that would never fit in with the decor.

Hopefully just scatter cushions that could be tossed into a closet the moment she left.

I gave Rose and especially Alice a warning look.

_This will not be pretty but we will pretend it is until she leaves._

Alice put on a suitable face and waited, Rose tapped a toe on the floorboards, and crossed her arms. I could read her thoughts.

_If that woman thinks she can inflict some hideous offering and have it used, she is in for disappointment, big time._

I growled under my breath and Rose changed her expression to overly gracious, just as scary.

The box revealed something swathed in white tissue paper, it in turn revealed a hand made quilt, white, with pretty pink flowers in two shades, baby pink and a soft pale lipstick shade, stems and leaves in pale greens, and soft pale blue bows and ribbon shaped appliques.

I shook it out, bewildered. It was so not Renee, but so very 'me'.

She never gave me anything I wanted and liked, she always gave me something she would buy for herself.

We all stood there, stunned. It had just enough color to finish the room and improve on the all white look. Who'd have thought?

Esme broke the silence.

"That's perfect, Renee, how beautiful. Did you make it yourself?"

"Me and half a dozen far more talented ladies at my quilting class. I told them all about Bella's idea of going with all white and they all felt that would be a tiny bit cold, so we designed this. I hope you like it, Bella. You don't have to use it if it spoils your dream room."

What, the perfect gift and my mother's permission to reject it? Was it April Fool's Day?

Nope, not even close to April.

"Thank you, Mom, it is perfection."

I tossed it over the white bed and we all looked in wonder.

"Maybe now we can use that pink flower light shade, and maybe pale blue and pale pink pillowcases?" offered Rose.

The room really looked amazing at the end of the tweaking and I hugged everyone in turn.

"Tomorrow, the nursery," Alice promised as they headed out, to leave us alone for our first night in our new home. Edward arrived soon after, to the aroma of baked chicken and vegetables, and he smiled as he walked inside.

"Honey, I'm home," he called, even though I was a mere two foot away. "You have no idea how long I have waited to say that to you," he said, cradling my face in his hands, his thumbs caressing my cheeks.

"You have no idea how long I have waited to hear it," I replied.

"I think I do," he snickered.

"You always have to win, don't you?" I complained. Of course he knew, though whether he would have gone with since I turned thirteen or a more, slightly more, acceptable fifteen remained to be seen.

I took his hand and led him upstairs and showed him the bedroom.

"Beautiful, perfect setting."

"For what?" I asked.

"For giving my wife the good hard fuck she wants," he answered. "Our house, you may scream all you want to."

I did.

xxx xxx xxx

Settling in was easy, Alice and Rose visited daily, and we painted the nursery white and accessorised in pale pinks and blues. It was girlie but not screamingly so. Rose wanted to go all out pink but Alice was sure any future babies Edward and I produced would be boys, because of the Cullen genes favoring sons over daughters, so we needed to keep the room neutral, to be quickly converted to a baby boy's room next time.

Next time.

Only Alice would be thinking of the next baby's requirements before this one was even delivered.

Edward insisted on scanning me at every outpatients hospital visit I made each month to see Carlisle in his official capacity, to check on the baby and my blood pressure, which both remained perfect. Both father and grandfather worried about the possibility I would suffer some setback, like Rose had, but it was smooth sailing and by the time the baby was active and my belly was starting to become an obstacle, the only concern was her still being in a transverse lie, her head over my left hip and her feet over my right, instead of the usual head down position. Carlisle was sure she would adjust as she grew larger and ran out of space, Edward naturally worried about everything.

A distraction occurred however when we all went to celebrate Jamie's birthday. The party had been delayed twice, due to Charlotte's health, she was having blood pressure issues despite her slim frame and being almost underweight. It seemed pregnancy was giving her body a hard time, so when we did finally all go for the party, she was bedridden on doctor's orders by the time we arrived. Alice was annoyed to be too pregnant to fly, and stayed home with her two children, but sent Jasper along with us.

Peter was apologetic but Esme and Rose took over and we were soon all sitting down to a celebratory meal complete with birthday cake. Charlotte's bedroom door was open to the dining room so she got to join in on the chatting and enjoyment of us all being together.

Edward was busy introducing his son to his own father, brother and brother in law, and the Emmett gang of boys, so the day was one of noise and activity but Jamie handled it without any signs of being overwhelmed.

Singing happy birthday to your own son whom you do not share a house with is a strange situation.

He loved his gifts, we had gone with traditional ideas, clothes, games, books above his age level, a chemistry set from Carlisle, who insisted a college level set was the only one worth buying, to Jamie's joy.

Edward had ordered a medical bag be made slightly smaller than the real thing, and had filled it with real medical paraphernalia, so we had our blood pressure checked and temperature taken repeatedly as Dr Jamie delighted in his gift.

The others flew home after dinner, Edward and I were booked into a motel for the night and possibly the next as well, we were waiting to see how Charlotte was.

Next morning we were woken early by the sound of Edward's cellphone.

"Dr Cullen." he answered sleepily, automatically.

He sat up suddenly, and gestured for me to keep quiet while he discussed some medical situation with the caller so I snuck into the bathroom and took a shower while he spoke.

When I emerged, he had packed everything but one outfit for me to wear and was waiting impatiently with an early breakfast on the little table.

"Charlotte is in hospital, and will remain so until the birth. They have no family close by, so Peter asked me if Jamie could come home with us for a while. I said yes."

"Of course. Is she going to be okay?" I asked. Both of us being pregnant seemed to make me bond tighter with Charlotte and worry about her and her baby. This was such a precious child she carried, like she said, there was probably little chance of any further miracles for them, this one conception was so against all odds, it was most likely a once only deal.

"I don't know, I can't access her notes, all I can go on is what Peter tells me and I don't know how much her OB is sharing with him. He is the worrying kind and they would possibly be trying to keep them both informed but positive, so it's hard to judge the actual risks. Her BP is too high, that's clear."

"Can they control it?" I asked fearfully.

"Maybe, it was the very devil of a job to keep Rose alive when she was carrying Adam, we did all we could medically but there was good luck and good genes involved as well. Sometimes one patient will pull through despite a bad diagnosis and another will react much worse with a lower reading than Rose had. It's the luck of the draw."

We were not allowed to visit Charlotte but Peter handed over Jamie and his suitcase at their house, and we wished them luck, and took our son to our cottage.

Suddenly Edward's insistence we have a bedroom prepared for Jamie paid off. Alice had followed Rose's orders and decorated the room similarity to Adam's, and Edward had put in a flatscreen and Wii unit and a few other game systems I had never seen before. It seems boys like their toys, and he had a pile of game cartridges for each system.

Jamie was quite happy travelling with us and he was typically unimpressed by the cottage until Edward showed him to his room.

Jamie squealed in delight and pounced on the Wii, so my boys were soon absorbed in Zack and Wiki's Quest for Barbaro's Treasure, and Guitar Hero Legends of Rock.

Boys will be boys, Emmett came over to teach Edward the finer points of the game, but when it came to Guitar Hero, Edward beat him mercilessly. I guess his natural musical abilities came to the fore. Interestingly, Jamie came a close second to Edward, so we spent the evening listening to Edward playing classical tunes on his grand piano in the music room. We had sacrificed a second sitting room to have a music room, Edward would never be happy without his piano and guitar.

Jamie sat on the seat beside his father and picked up a few bits here and there, to Edward's delight. Much as I was enjoying having our son with us, the downside was going to be handing him back. I debated with myself internally, what was the safer option, keeping my distance emotionally or just opening my heart and enjoying him while we had him, and grieving later when Edward took him back to his home?

For Edward, there was no choice, he fully embraced his son's presence. Jamie captivated him and as we lay in bed that night, he couldn't settle, he kept coming up with little tidbits he needed to tell me about Jamie and his talents. I fell asleep mid story, in the end.

Carlisle and Charlie became a double act, arriving out of the blue with bait and rods and boat behind Carlisle's jeep, and off the men would go, teaching the boy how to fish Forks style, and Edward hated it if he was at work when this happened. He wanted to spend every minute with Jamie, and I understood that, but the patients at Forks Hospital needed one Dr Cullen in attendance most of the time. Jasper managed to join the fishing trips a few times, everyone quickly became used to our new family member.

I was loving it but fearing the crash and hole left behind once he left.

Peter kept in touch daily and listened patiently to Jamie telling him about every minute of his day. When I took over the phone, Peter sounded quite wistful to be apart from Jamie. That was understandable, this child was so interesting to be around, and he had loved him so long, and spent every day with him until now.

His whole world was in tatters, his wife ill, his baby's life hanging by a thread, and his son here, so far away. I felt almost guilty to be enjoying Jamie's presence in our home.

Jamie did his schoolwork on the computer while he was here, and I was happy to supervise and help but in some subjects I worried a little that he would soon know more than I did.

However, he did show me where I was going wrong on my own computer and soon had taught me a few tricks in Photoshop, so we cleaned up the many photos we had taken and removed red eyes and artfully adjusted some of the photos, and he made me a 50 page family photo book, starting with my few photos of me carrying him inside my belly that Samantha had taken, against my will at the time. They were unposed, she simply walked into the room snapping away and so I looked surprised then dismayed, so we kept only the surprised shots. I explained to Jamie the only reason I looked dismayed was because I always knew I could not keep him. It was hard to find the right words to explain to him why Edward had not rescued me back then and made us into the family we were today.

It's hard to explain to a child something that still hurt and seemed so obviously doable back then, had his father just woken up sooner and shown the slightest interest in keeping us. I would have grasped on to the slightest show of interest or kindness from Edward while pregnant, it was he who chose to ignore me and keep out of my life so completely until after the birth.

Too late.

Jamie showed me how to order the book to be printed and bound into an actual hard cover and have it sent to our address. I ordered copies for Esme and Carlisle, and Charlie, and then added another for Renee, unsure if she would want it. While she showed some interest in the baby I carried, she seemed to consider Jamie a done deed, my past, something to accept and forget.

She had never shown the slightest remorse over leaving me behind, so I expect she was baffled to our deep regret over Jamie's abandonment by us both.

Forks weather meant we spent a lot of time indoors so my son introduced me to the mystery of online game playing, and I stumbled along, 'dying' frequently as he triumphed and racked up amazing scores compared to my dismal totals. I didn't get the lure, it seemed quite pointless but it seemed, if you were winning, it held a stronger attraction to the player. Something I doubted I would ever feel. Edward took over when he got home and upped my score by a vast amount but knowing I had not earned it myself left me mostly uninterested, though I tried to be enthusiastic for Jamie's sake.

Maybe it's a male thing?

xxx

The Annual Cullen family Baseball Game came around and Jamie and I were the newest Team Cullen members. Edward handed over our baseball shirts, blue sleeves, white with navy striped button front, white backs with Team Cullen across the back. Our names were embroidered across our left breasts, Isabella on mine, Benjamin James on his.

Japser, always the expert, soon had Jamie standing correctly and hitting the ball out of sight. Emmett and his lads were all experts so I hoped our son would not feel intimidated but it appeared I worried for nothing. He had played before, at school, but while his fielding skills needed work, he caught every ball thrown directly to him and he slugged the ball further than anyone but Emmett and Esme. For all her slimness and apparent frailty, Esme could hit the ball further than anyone I had ever known, bar Emmett, but who could out hit someone that size? Not his mother nor a child of seven.

"So, Edward, looks like you fathered a little champ," Emmett admitted, thumping his brother on the back enthusiastically, making me worry his ribcage would not withstand the onslaught.

"Seems that way," smirked Edward, bursting with pride. Being a Cullen meant being an expert at the game, no matter what. So far Jamie was proving to be everything Edward could possibly have ever wanted in a son. His brilliant brain, his musical ability, now his prowess at the sport his kin embraced so passionately. It was, as always, the best and worst realisation. We turned our backs on the perfect child.

Edward turned and caught my eye, and his green eyes expressed every thought to match my own. We fucked up, we would always regret and pay for that.

I was given the job of umpiring, seeing my girth was never going to let me run and bat like the others, so any bad calls were forgiven because I was 'the preggie lady'. Rose told me I should be on the girl's side and be harsher with the boys but I tried to stay fair.

Jamie hit the home run to win his side the game, so he was treated as a champ and carried around on Emmett's vast shoulders to be congratulated by all, then his uncle suddenly got it, and handed the boy to Edward, to continue the tradition. Edward's smile was beautiful to behold, Esme even cried as she snapped off photos of her son carrying his own son up high, for the family album.

This was healing the family but it felt like it could also tear us all apart if we ever lost contact again, for any reason. Jamie was as much theirs as mine, and I had trouble coping with the knowledge I had robbed them all of this child.

Edward knew, he always knew, his arms were around me, pulling me in tight, before the thought was fully formed in my head even.

"Don't," he whispered, kissing my tears away.

I smiled at him and pulled away. Some things were mine to suffer for.

xxx

Peter's call at 4am one day worried us both. Charlotte's son had been delivered nine weeks early and was fighting for his life, and Charlotte had not recovered quickly as hoped. She still lay unconscious, which caused Edward to frown and become anxious to discuss her condition with his father, so I talked to Peter and extended our hopes both mother and child would recover and be well soon. He didn't sound hopeful, and I reflected how sometimes what should be the very best thing, could so easily turn into the worst.

I guess right from when I was a child, playing with my beloved baby doll "Baby Ben", I built up an image of my first baby and the joy my 'husband' and I would experience when it was born, and for me, the reality had been a time of regret and sorrow, not joy and happiness. Yet the long married couple who raised my son had been robbed of that perfect scenario as well. I guess life does suck.

xxx

Peter kept in touch daily, baby Alex was holding on, Char was still out of it, her doctor feared the fit she took just before delivery had damaged her in some way. It all terrified me and I was always very careful to keep every appointment with Carlisle and I went from being impatient with Edward's many random blood pressure checks at home, to welcoming them and being relieved as everything stayed as it should be.

The baby still stubbornly lay crossways but Carlisle did not want to attempt to manipulate it until I was full term in case it brought on labor.

Jamie was anxious about his 'other mother' but Edward toned down any news and concentrated on showing our son his new baby brother's photos and he offered to fly Jamie back for a visit, which Peter gratefully accepted, so off my boys went to Georgia while Esme and Carlisle insisted on me staying with them the two nights they were gone.

Jamie came back quiet and subdued, seeing Charlotte only 'sleeping', never awake worried him, he was too clever to have the condition glossed over as simply tiredness and he even expressed fear I would be 'sick' too, once our baby was delivered.

Edward assured him there was little chance of that happening, as I did not have the same medical problems Char had, but he still worried. His brow was furrowed in wrinkles, exactly as his father's was much of the time.

Clones not only in looks but in natures as well.

That night he snuck into our bed.

Edward turned the lamp beside the bed on, hearing Jamie approach our bedroom door.

"Come in, what's the problem, son?"

"Is Mommy going to be alright? Mommy Charlotte?" he asked tearfully.

Seeing her had made the situation too real for a child his tender age. He may be intelligent and clever but knowing more than a seven year old should was not helping.

"We hope so. Her doctor's are very clever, if she can be helped, they will do it. Peter is there looking after her and baby Alex. Do you want to look at the photos of you and the baby again?"

This became a pattern, night after night Jamie slept between us, hugging onto his father, needing Edward more than I did at this time.

Alice giving birth and remaining awake and well at least shown Jamie it was possible to survive childbirth unscathed, and he was very interested in their new baby, Carla Ryanne. He clearly missed being with his new baby brother and started to show definite signs of wanting to go home to his first family.

The day Peter phoned with the happy news Char had woken up, Edward immediately took the day off and flew Jamie home again to see his 'other mother' awake at last.

While it was the news we had wanted and prayed for, it also meant our time being full time parents to Jamie was done and in fact, Edward came back alone.

I half expected it, though we had not made any firm plans, but once Jamie was back with a fully conscious Char, and his new brother, and his other father, he had wanted to stay and not return to us. Understandable, just heartbreaking.

Alice and I were at the airport, and seeing Edward walk toward us with no small, coppertopped clone at his side, looking up, laughing, chatting, as we had become used to seeing by now, was one of the saddest moments of my life and it really hit home. We had been lucky to have him for those months, but it was not how life would be.

He lived with Peter and Charlotte, he would only ever visit us.

I left Alice to claim Edward's bag and silently took him into my arms and hugged him close.


	11. Chapter 11

Happily Ever After

Chapter 11

The Present

Edward put on a brave face and told Alice and I it was all good, and right, and he had half expected Jamie to want to stay once they got there but I knew better, I knew he fully expected his son to make the trip back with him. He had not cancelled Jamie's return ticket, and it hurt me deeply to know he had probably waited until the last second to get on the plane, hoping Peter would turn up and hand Jamie over again, seeing he still had so much on his own plate. Edward spent the rest of the day at work, and he told me later that night, in bed, that seeing Peter there, waiting, seeing Jamie light up and run into his arms, it had hurt.

He wad disappointed not to mean more to his own son, but I pointed out, Peter had seven years of bonding, Edward and Jamie had nine weeks.

It was never going to be even, no matter if Peter fell off the face of the earth and Jamie became ours again, he would always love and remember Peter as his father. He was seven years old, he had long established attachments in place before we turned up.

Edward seemed to have expected blood to out, he seemed to think Jamie should know instinctively he belonged to us, but that chance was gone.

Much as I wanted to talk it over endlessly, it was hard, avoiding all the obvious facts.

He, Edward, could have made better choices in the past.

I could have shown him some compassion and offered Ben/Jamie to him. I had thought about it, that made it worse.

Thought about it, dismissed it, decided Edward did not deserve the opportunity, maybe even resented the idea he could afford to keep the baby that I could not.

It was never an option for me , that made me angry.

Why hadn't I at least gone to Esme instead of keeping Edward's stupid secret? So, they would know what he had done but the price of keeping his secret was too high, and now they all knew now anyway.

It had been all for nothing.

A family broken and separated before they met.

A baby given away without even a discussion between it's parents.

Rose was no comfort, she made it clear had I gone to her, she would have kicked Edward's butt and made him at least support the baby and I financially. She refused to believe there was anything wrong with that, if men fathered a child, they had to support it, no matter what the circumstances were. He always had the option of 'keeping his dick in his pants' from the start, she declared.

She didn't think he deserved the right to see the baby because of his actions, but she said it would have never bothered her to take the money and keep the baby.

Why had I never thought that way? Always bending over backwards to do the 'right thing' had ultimately led to me doing the wrong.

Edward cracked up one night, months after his son had gone.

"Fuck, fuck , fuck, why? Why the fuck didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell someone? Why didn't you tell me earlier, so I had more than a single fucking hour to make a life changing choice? I know I deserved to be punished for what I did to you but Bella, but did you hate me that much? You must still hate me, especially now, especially knowing you could be living with him now, not seeing him return to the STRANGERS he loves more than he loves us. This is all my fault."

His mood swings were giving me whiplash. He needed someone to blame and that person went from being me to being him, back and forth, over and over.

Carlisle picked up on Edward's moods, naturally. He went from happy and outgoing with the patients to cold and silent and efficient, speaking only those words that had to be said, his bedside manner was crap. I was tiptoeing around him when he was home, torturing himself by watching the video of the baseball game Emmett had set his camera up to tape as always.

Watching Jamie throw the ball to Edward, Edward to Jamie, the winning hit, the home run, the victory march, Emmett taking Jamie from his own shoulders and placing him on Edward's, Edward's face, Edward's smile.

I almost wanted to destroy the dvd before it destroyed us.

Carlisle came inside one night and sat us both down. Edward had just ended a shift and was tired, laying back against the couch, staring at the ceiling, his hands destroying his hair.

"This has to stop. This is destructive and will tear us all apart. What's done is done, you have to find a way to accept things, Edward, before you lose Bella and your new baby and your career. You know you care about your wife more than anything, you need to start building and stop tearing down or you will have nothing.

How would you cope if she left you?"

"I deserve nothing," Edward cried back at him.

"You made a mistake, I made a mistake. I have a child I have never seen. You at least have contact with Jamie. He knows you, he loves you, you get to talk to him and even have him in your home at times."

"It's not enough!" Edward raged. He smashed his fist down on the coffee table and started pacing the floor.

"He is MY son, I made him. How can a piece of fucking paper change that? It hasn't made him look like Peter, he may have his name but he is a Cullen. Anyone can see he is my son and I want him. I am filing."

"Edward, no, think this through."

"I have. I have a million times. He is going to grow up always knowing we didn't want him. I have to do this to show him we do love him, we do want him, we care about him. If it were me, I would always wonder, why didn't they fight for me? Why did my own father just say 'Oh too bad, it's done, nothing I could do. Well, yes, one thing I could do but why bother? Not worth the hassle.' That's what he will think."

Nothing Carlisle said would change Edward's mind. I stayed out of it, torn between wishing he would file and fight, and knowing it was so wrong, morally.

As we lay in bed, I asked him what he was going to do.

"I am filing. I know I probably won't win after seven years but at least I will have court documents to hand to Jamie when he grows up and asks us why. At least we can tell him we tried."

"Then you need to tell Peter and Charlotte first. If you are intent on destroying their world, while they have a sick baby in hospital, and Char is not even recovered, if you are going to do this to them, then at least be a man and go tell them first, face to face."

Edward was still and quiet but he didn't sleep, neither did I, we spent the night laying side by side in silence.

In the morning, he rolled me gently into his arms and kissed my head.

"I can't do it, can I?" he asked.

"No, Edward, it would still be wrong. It would be us putting what we want ahead of what he wants. He wanted to go home to them. We know what he wants."

"I still feel like we should fight, even if it is a fight we can't win."

"I understand but not yet, not now. Let them get through this crisis and settle down as a family. Then talk to them, and to Jamie. Explain why and see what they say. I can't see any judge handing him over, to be honest. I wouldn't, would you? It would all come out, I don't want Jamie to ever know about..."

"The abortion," he whispered. "That was my doing, not yours."

"I went, Edward, I walked into the clinic. It's a fact. If the nurse had not described the procedure and shown me the tube that sucks the baby out and destroys it, who knows? I never thought about abortion before that, I guess I imagined you just went to sleep pregnant and woke up not, all clean and tidy and clinical. When she said I would be awake , just sedated lightly, and they would rip him apart with the suction, no, I had to vomit and leave."

"Thank God," said Edward fervently.

"I couldn't bear him knowing and if you file, it will come up. How else do you explain leaving me pregnant? Never coming back, never checking on me? The judge would take a very dim view of you not caring at all about how the baby was during the pregnancy."

"God, I am so fucked," he replied. "What I really want is a do-over. I want to go back to when we met, and I want to wait for you to grow up and be mine. I want to have never been with the other women, and when you turn up at college, I want to woo you. Ask you out on dates, kiss you, get to build something. Be happy when you hand me the stick. Rush you to a registry office and marry you. Come home, bring you home, tell our parents. Have it all be a done deed. Then sit down and sort out where we go from there. We could have fucking made it so much better, that's what I hate the most."

"Edward, do you think it would be better not to keep seeing Jamie? If it affects you so badly to let him go each time, maybe we need to keep our distance. Maybe email and phone but not visit?"

"I think it's too late for that. We know him now, not seeing him won't change anything."

"Then what are we going to do?"

Edward snuggled down and kissed my belly. The baby was almost due now. He rubbed figure eights around her back and waited for the answering kick.

"We are going to appreciate what we have and forget this madness. Getting him back can't change the seven years we missed and can only harm him. I think I just needed to let my rage out at the universe."

He rubbed harder and pushed against the side of my belly. The baby offered no resistance.

"How long since she moved or kicked, Bella?" he asked, his voice concerned.

I thought about it.

"Not today. Not last night. Maybe yesterday? I don't remember, it's been kind of tense around here. What's wrong?" I asked quietly.

"Probably nothing. I am just going to get you an orange juice."

"Okay," I answered. I wasn't really thirsty and the more I drank the more I pee'd.

He walked back in, stirring the juice.

"It's really sweet, I put four spoons of sugar in it," he said, handing me the glass.

"Why? I hate it with sugar," I answered.

"I just want to see if she reacts to a sugar hit. It should make her active once it reaches your blood supply."

He got his stethoscope out and tried to find her heartbeat while I drank, panicking a little now.

She had not moved for many hours, now I concentrated on remembering.

"She's rolled over, her back is now against your spine. I can feel limbs but can't hear her heartbeat. It's too far away from the front of your belly."

"Should we go get a scan or something?" I asked.

"Wouldn't hurt. Come on, it's one of the perks of being a doctor. We can scan her whenever we want."

Edward pulled on jeans and a shirt and helped me into a dress. I felt ill, from the sickly sweet juice but mainly from fear. We would not survive another loss.

He drove carefully but his face was tense and his brow wrinkled.

"Any kicks?" he asked now and then.

I shook my head and rubbed my bump, and prayed she was just asleep.

Carlisle was just coming off his shift and he followed us in.

"What's up? You usually wait until tomorrow, Friday is your scan day."

"She hasn't moved since at least 24 hours ago," Edward explained.

Carlisle took over, had me on the table and Edward put the cold gel on my skin. All eyes were on the screen.

"There she is. Heartbeat is normal. Asleep would be my guess," Carlisle laughed in relief.

Suddenly she started to move, and I gasped at the strength as she turned and my belly became hard as her spine faced out again.

"How much longer to go?" he queried, like he didn't know.

"Two weeks, two days," Edward answered.

"I think I should attempt to turn her. Do you agree? She is far too comfortable and she has work to do soon."

I was sent to empty my bladder.

Edward assisted Carlisle and I felt them push and roll her about and they checked again.

"Head down. Good work," Carlisle announced.

"I have to pee again," I pleaded and they helped me up, and we all saw the rippling movement , bumps appearing on my belly as her elbows and knees pushed against me, as she rolled back and lay longways again.

"Well, it seems that was for nothing," Edward commented. I stepped down and water streamed down my thighs.

"It looks like we have a delivery to do, this way," Carlisle announced, taking charge again.

"Edward, go get someone to cover your shift and mine tonight. This may take a while seeing we probably ruptured the bag with the manipulation."

I gladly put myself at the mercy of the nurse in charge and waddled into the delivery room once she finished with me and I had showered.

Carlisle spent a long time examining me and he and Edward spoke in doctor-ese and then my husband sat beside me and held my hand.

"We both think we should do a c section, she is in a very awkward position and if she doesn't move, it will end that way anyway after hours of labor pains for you. What do you think?"

I still remembered the pain of my first delivery and if I could avoid that, I would.

Carlisle did an internal and announced he was sure there was cord below the baby anyway, so my agreement was fairly moot.

C section it was.

xxx xxx

For something as momentous as a birth, it seemed to be over awfully quickly. Carlisle warned me it would feel like a lot of pressure as he hauled her out, and it took a few minutes for him to manage to position her to grab her feet but then, there she was, handed straight to her father, bloody and screaming as she was.

The epidural meant I felt little and I waited impatiently to hold her as Edward smiled and looked her over.

"Welcome, daughter. Trouble all ready, Jasper warned me about that," he joked, and the nurse cleaned her off with a towel and wrapped her in a blanket, covering her head in a little pink beanie. Edward lay her on my chest and peeled the blanket back so I could see her face. Her hair was still wet and matted to her head, and her eyes were open and her mouth open and shut as she sneezed and grumbled about her unceremonious entrance.

Her face was smooth and wrinkle free, and her head rounded, no squashing like after a vaginal delivery. She looked beautiful.

People hustled about and she was weighed and measured and I was sewn up and moved to recovery and Edward sat beside me and kissed my face.

"This time, we get it right. She is our second chance, my Bella and we will do right by her."

I smiled tiredly. I may have missed labor but I still felt like I had been hit by a truck.

The nurse threw a warmed blanket over me and I slept, pleased to escape the pain that was making itself felt as the drugs wore off.

When I awoke, Edward was topping up the drip with pain meds and I smiled at him and waited for them to work.

He grinned as my face relaxed, and he stroked my cheek.

"You look high," he teased.

"I feel really good now," I drawled.

"That's good. She weighed in at seven pounds even."

"Hmm," I replied, feeling woozy. I shut my eyes and slept again.

Recovery sure took longer, and I weighed up the options. After the natural delivery, I had felt physically good fairly soon, and been walking soon after. This time, everything hurt, except my ladies parts, they seemed to enjoy having avoided being stretched and bashed about. My wound hurt like a bitch and if Carlisle or Edward gave me enough painkiller to make the pain go away, I slept.

If they gave me a lesser dose, I lay there aching and sore and complaining.

Visitors arrived, admired, commiserated with me, and left. I was in no shape for conversation and Edward made sure every visitor got a short stay only, and headed them to the nursery to see the baby.

My room was decked out with flowers and unopened baby gifts and Edward strung the many cards across the room.

Charlie was a constant visitor, Renee came and saw and left, promising to return in a few months when I had my strength back. I decided that might be quite a while. I felt as weak as a kitten. I envied the natural birth mothers who walked the hallway pushing their babies in the plastic cribs, and shivered as I sat on the chair beside the bed, as instructed.

Edward frowned and handed the baby to Esme and took my temperature. Carlisle switched from visitor to doctor and started me on antibiotics and I felt myself grow weaker as Edward lifted me back into bed, and emptied the room.

Apparently I had an infection, and as the drugs hit my system I slipped mercifully back into sleep.

Days passed and Edward's beautiful face was often the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. His brow was always worried, and Carlisle was always encouraging, telling me the worst was over and I would be hale and hearty in no time.

Edward put the baby into my arms now and then but kept a hold himself, and he fed her bottles seeing breastfeeding was not going to be an option, it seemed.

The drugs were too strong and would taint my milk or something so I agreed to bottle feeding and slept.

Each day I felt a little better and finally I took my first shaky steps to walk down the hall on Edward's arm to see the baby in the nursery. She looked different, larger already, and her hair was a shiny mass of soft brown, sticking straight up and out, like sunbeams around her face.

I read her cribtag.

Edward had named her, in my absence.

Katalina Marie Cullen.

Baby Kat.

xxx xxx

To say Edward was enamoured with his daughter was a gross understatement. He stayed home for the first six weeks, being both mother and father to her, and personal care nurse to me, as I slowly but surely got my strength back. Kat soon figured out it was Daddy who doted on her and she developed a preference for him, though she accepted my arms when his were not available. Rose virtually moved in once Edward returned to work, and he came rushing home after shifts, desperate to lift his daughter from her crib.

I swear she always seemed to know when he got home. She would be sleeping deeply as Rose and I folded clean washing together, or sat and had a coffee, and there would not be a peep out of her. Then his car would pull up and the first impatient cry would sound.

Edward would come in and announce his arrival, and she would squeal and lure him from my arms to her nursery.

Rose was quite funny about it, she had never experienced any feelings of jealousy with her sons and Emmett but she said she would not have been thrilled had he put a daughter ahead of her company.

I saw her point but understood Edward's fascination with Kat completely. She was his child, and the only baby he had gotten to hold and kiss and spoil and know he was the center of her universe.

I made up a bottle of formula and handed it to him when he returned with his little princess in his arms.

"God, I miss my girls when I am at work. Daddy wishes he could stay home and play with Mummy and Kat all day long. Once she sleeps though, maybe I should change to nightshift."

"Edward, you would have to sleep sometime," Rose pointed out.

She kissed my cheek, gathered up her two youngest boys and headed home.

"Rose seems a bit off," Edward commented.

"I think she is reconsidering her position in her household, and realizing she will always be queen, seeing they don't have any little princesses usurping her."

"Bella, you don't think I am putting Kat ahead of you, do you? You know I love you completely and utterly, right?"

"Of course I do and I would be angry and upset if you didn't love and adore Kat. She is your daughter and she deserves all the attention you give her. I don't have a problem, I know I am still the queen around here."

"Good. How are you feeling?" he asked, watching my face to see if what I said was the truth.

"Fine, Edward. My scar still tugs sometimes and stops me in my tracks but other than that, I feel pretty much back to normal."

"When you consider how much Carlisle had to stretch that wound to locate her feet and drag her out, it's no wonder it still hurts. It will get completely better soon. Do you want me to make dinner, and you can sit down and feed the baby?"

"No, it's just about done. Rose made spaghetti. I will serve us as soon as your little petal is finished eating."

xxx

I knew Edward was waiting patiently for the all clear from Carlisle so we could resume making love, and I had not told him I got the good news earlier today at my visit. He was busy so didn't even know we had been at the hospital. I swore Carlisle to secrecy.

Rose and I had everything planned. Tomorrow night the little blossom was having her first sleepover at Uncle Emmett's, and her parents were having some alone time together.

I could hardly wait.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Handing the baby over to Rose was harder than I expected, but Edward surprised me by carrying her bag inside, kissing her quickly and telling her to be good for her Aunt, and grabbing my hand, pulling me to the car swiftly.

"Edward, I barely got to kiss her goodnight," I complained.

"Tonight is about us, she will still be there in the morning. We trust Emmett and Rose completely, Kat will be fine. Spoiled rotten, but fine. Now, stop being a mother for one night and be my wife, please."

Hmm, it seems the eight week sexless break after delivery had affected my husband more than he had let on.

I went inside ahead of him and jumped into the shower, washing away the smell of baby, and replaced it with softly scented rose and vanilla bodywash.

Drying myself, I resisted the urge to shake some sweet smelling talc all over my body, it smelt good but what Edward had planned probably included a lot of kissing of my body and the talc probably didn't taste that good.

I brushed my teeth and hair, and snuck into bed, fresh sheets enveloped my body and I lay waiting in the darkness.

Edward walked in, clean from showering the the main bathroom, naked, no pretenses, we were making love tonight, and he was ready.

He lit a couple of small scented candles and stood beside the bed, smiling down at my eager face.

I flipped the sheet open and he was there, hovering above me, his mouth on mine, his tongue inside my mouth, his breath hot and needy.

I opened my legs wide, we could do the foreplay and sweet stuff later, I needed him inside me now. He sighed and broke the kiss and smiled.

"Impatient, Mrs Cullen?" he teased, letting the tip of his erection graze my clit.

I rocked and arched my back so the contact was harder, and he pulled himself away a little.

"Edwardddd!" I growled.

He laughed.

"Two seconds more and I get up and go visit Rose," I threatened.

Edward slid himself inside me and growled back.

"I have missed you, missed this, missed us so much," he whispered, as he began the dance of love.

I smothered a gasp, it felt so good to have him back where he belonged. Nothing down there hurt at all, only ached for more. He seemed to know what I needed and he burrowed in deeper, harder and pounded my body with his, both of us peaking quickly. It had been too darn long, how were we supposed to take it slow when both our bodies were screaming for release?

"Bella, I..." he said shakily.

"Just let go, I will be right there with you," I promised and felt his fingers touch my clit, and pinch it gently.

"Fuck, Edward..." I gasped aloud, as the waves crashed through me and he pounded in again and let himself release deep inside me, grabbing my body closely to his, holding us together as the pulses beat between us, his dick jerking as my shaking walls grasped and released their hold on him, over and over.

Carlisle had put a contraceptive implant into my skin so there would be no accidental pregnancies, my uterus needed to heal and be strong again before any more little Cullen's filled that space.

I couldn't wait, I wanted it all. A son to give my husband, and myself, I just needed a little Edward in the family. I shook my head back to the present, this was our time, not baby time.

Edward had fallen beside me, his heart racing, beating so loudly I could hear it clearly. He pulled me onto his chest and stroked my hair.

"Round one, quick and efficient, plenty more where that came from. Are you okay? No pain?"

"No pain," I reassured him. "Only the pain of emptiness now you have withdrawn."

"I just need to get my breath back," he promised.

I sat up and pushed my hair back off my face and looked down at his beautiful face and traced a finger around his lips, nose, eyebrows.

God, he was breathtaking always, but hot and sweaty Edward, flushed from lovemaking, that was my favorite Edward of all. I had always had that Edward, no matter what the circumstances.

"Shall we shower between rounds?" he asked, and I nodded.

That was my next need, some hot and soapy shower sex.

Edward turned the water on and I walked in, and felt him close behind me. He reached for the bodywash and started washing my breasts clean from behind, his erection back, urgent, tapping against my backside.

I dropped the sponge and bent to retrieve it, pushing my self against him hard and was rewarded as he pushed inside from behind, holding me steady with his hands on my hips.

"Bella, my Bella, my wife who knows me so well," he panted as he rammed in and out, the water splashing down over us. I braced my hands on my knees and shut my eyes, this was all about feeling.

From this angle he could hit that spot and I waited as the feeling built each time his eager dick found it.

I moaned out loud and it only spurred him on, pulling us closer, so he could go deeper, and I cried out as the sensations overwhelmed me.

"Oh, you like that, you like where I am hitting, don't you, my Bella?" he gasped.

"God yes," I managed to moan back.

"I love you, my Bella. I missed you and I don't like missing you."

"I missed you too," I assured him.

He leaned down and kissed my wet back and ran his tongue over my skin, making me shiver.

"Come for me baby," he urged, becoming erratic with his thrusts. It seems we have no staying power after the drought.

His hands crept around and one palmed my mound, making me feel warm and wanted, the other flicked against my swollen and greedy clit.

"Yes baby yes baby," he chanted as he felt me pulsate and give in to his touches and he slowed and just rocked inside slowly, filling me again.

"Bella, we are so good at this, that took no time at all."

He was still deeply enclosed, jerking, coming down, so relaxed now the urgency had passed.

He withdrew and turned me, pulling us under the main stream, kissing me until I thought I would expire.

He pulled my head in against his chest and stood us there close, our bodies still touching from top to bottom, his fingers caressing my head.

"If this is as good as it gets I can handle that," he murmured.

"It's pretty perfect, Edward," I replied.

"You know, you are right, it is pretty damned perfect," he agreed and lifted my face to kiss my lips again.

"Thank you, Bella, for everything. For new chances and new feelings and accepting my past mistakes, and loving me anyway," he said, quietly, from the heart.

"The past is just that, the past. We have us, and the baby and we still have him, in a way, Edward. I bet he comes back to us when he turns eighteen. He knows we love him and the older he gets, the better he will understand. Sometimes it takes time to be an adult, and be able to know the right path to take. We found it, my love, let's be grateful for that. No more floundering in the dark."

Edward dried us both and we collapsed into bed, round three delayed in favour of just cuddling and stroking one another, and kissing, always the kissing. His kisses could melt the coldest heart.

I was so very glad, in that moment, that we had made it, because any other future would have been too bleak for either of us. Sometimes certain people have to be together, no matter what. I had never felt a hundredth of what I felt for Edward, for anyone else.

When Jake and I tried, it had been the weirdest experience, because it was like acting a part. I kept hoping I would feel something, but then he would make a move and I would giggle and he would laugh and we would give up and settle for tickling each other and wrestling together. It was always like that, like best friends, unable to cross the gaping chasm to something more. We didn't have the bridge, we just ended up rolling down the hillside, knowing we would always love each other, but never be in love.

We had discussed trying to be fuckbuddies but it seemed too cold and calculated and foreign, and we both feared it would change us too much and push us apart.

We slept in the same bed and never once did that bother me, it was like sharing with a girlfriend. It was for company, nothing more. On tour, we always had adjoining suites and his was never used. Of course it caused raised eyebrows and looks from the maid, but we didn't care. We knew what we were, and what we were not.

I wanted sex, even sex without commitment, I had experienced that type of sex before. But I only wanted it from one man, a man I rarely saw but even in our brief times together,when I went to meet another baby, or attend another wedding, or just arrive with Christmas gifts for the children, I still felt the current, the pull, the longing. It got harder and harder to ignore. It refused to acknowledge the emotional distress between us, and just begged us to be together. I always had to cut my visits short. No doubt that had seemed rude to my hosts but there is only so much a person can stand when their body tries to overrule their head.

I felt like I couldn't breathe in his presence, and his eyes always made me remember and know I had to go.

We could never be what we had been again, there was too much there, too many feelings, too much emotion.

I had stupidly decided to give us a clean break and never cross the line, it had taken Edward's persistence to win me over.

Thank God he has always been such a stubborn man.

Morning was welcomed with some sweet, slow, happy but not desperate loving, the kind Edward liked best, the kind where he could wear his heart on his sleeve and be open and honest and enjoy us with love and joy. Connecting love, all about us, not about release.

Don't get me wrong, it was always awesome for me, and filled me up to the brim with love for him, but it was different and it made the last pieces of my heart seal back in place. It's scary being totally and completely in love, knowing he could smash me with a single word.

At least the old us had let me build a wall and hang on to part of myself, now it was gone, and he owned me.

I trusted him, but there would probably always be that tiny doubt that this was all real. That he really loved me as much as I loved him, because that was an awful lot, and I didn't know if he was capable of being that open and giving and trusting with me. I had always loved him, I had never known a way to control and hide it like he had.

He seemed to be happy, now, and he seemed to be the perfect lover and husband and father, but it made me anxious sometimes, because if this is the peak, do we have to fall down at some point or can we stay here in the clouds, forever? It seemed a lot to ask.

"Where have you gone, my Bella?" he asked, his hands holding mine above my head on the pillow. "You left me behind for a minute. Where did you go?"

"I just wondered if you could love me as much as I love you. It seems impossible because you are my entire world. I could never cope if I lost you," I admitted.

"You will never lose me, I can promise you that. What God has joined, let no man put asunder. We are together forever, this side of the grave and the other side as well. Eternity, Bella, that's what I promise you."

I smiled, and believed him.

I guess that is what faith is.

xxx xxx xxx

Rose was in our kitchen cutting onions and Alice was sitting on a chair at the table, feeding Carla. I felt gypped, never having felt what it was like to breastfeed. Edward assured me a lot of mothers coped really well but some had a lot of problems getting their supplies established and breast infections were somewhat common, but he did offered to simulate the act whenever I wanted, himself. I was quite sure it must be completely different, having a little baby drinking milk from you, to a husband sucking on your nipples.

"Don't worry, next time you will get it right," Alice assured me.

Edward growled.

"Bella got it right this time, thank you. She gave birth to a healthy baby, that means she got it right. Could you keep your opinions to yourself, Alice?"

"Oh, touchy. I simply meant, next time maybe she can have a vaginal delivery and be in shape to be able to breastfeed. Women need to experience the whole cycle, from conception to giving birth to weaning, so be quiet and go away. Go track down some animal for meat and kill it and cook it on the barbecue with the other hunters."

Edward hugged me possessively and kissed my cheek.

"Ignore Alice, I do," he stated before walking away.

I sat down beside her and Esme walked in with a whimpering Baby Kat in her arms, handing her to me as she prepared a bottle.

I rocked the baby to keep her quiet otherwise Edward would hear and be in to claim her himself. I only got to feed her when he was on shift, he did the night feeds even, if she awoke.

"So, Rose, does Kat make you want to try again for a girl?" Alice badgered.

"I think she is adorable but I never considered not coming first in Emmett's life, so this has been an eye opener for me. I am a lot happier with my lot, now. I have always been the one in the spotlight and I realize I could not abdicate my place and let a daughter take over, like Bella has. I can't believe you can accept it, Bella. It must irk you at times, surely."

"I know you have an issue with it but to be honest, after all we have gone through, if Edward did not think Kat was the most amazing person in the universe, I would be seriously annoyed.

I am still the queen, she is the princess."

Jasper came in, a child under each arm. He dropped them both onto the couch.

"This pair are trying to play with fire. Can you ladies keep them inside please?"

"I wanna play with fire," Alicia yelled as he left, Esme locking the door behind him.

"Alice was my most active child. Everyone says boys are the ones who run you ragged but Alice was always our challenge. She still is," she said affectionately, patting her daughter's head.

"You must be kidding. After all Edward has put us through..." Alice protested.

It would always be there, like a person in it's own right. Our mistake. I smiled at my daughter as she hungrily emptied her bottle and raised her to lean against my chest and hold her head up over my shoulder.

She smelt delicious. Baby powder and milk and baby.

"Can she sit up alone yet?" Alice asked.

"Yes, but she tends to topple over still. She gets frustrated when that happens."

I sat her on the floor on her rug and placed pillows behind and beside her and she played with her toys, everything straight into her mouth.

Jasper knocked on the door and he and Emmett and Carlisle entered with our steak and we all sat together and ate companionably.

"What is my little poppet doing up, without anyone telling me?" Edward had growled when he walked inside.

"Oh poor Daddy, he has to share his baby with Mommy," teased Alice.

Kat immediately dropped her toys and reached her hands up, rocking on her bottom, trying to get closer. Edward lifted her and sat with her sitting on his lap as he ate.

She had become the center of his universe and I was so happy to have given her to him. At least we got it right this time around.

xxx xxx

Edward's POV

"MISS Tanya Denali" cooed the patient sitting in my office.

I flicked my eyes over her, bleached blond hair, ice blue eyes, tall, slim to the point of anorexia almost, large rack that could not have grown on such infertile ground. Her collar bones showed through clearly above the large thrust out chest.

Really thin women should avoid fake tits, they look strange enough on more well covered chests but hers looked like a couple of melons shoved under her skin.

She winked and smiled, and jutted them out further.

"What seems to be the problem?" I asked, adjusting the position of one of the many framed photos of Bella and Kat on my desk. The latest one showed our daughter standing alone. I had been there to witness this momentous moment and my wife had caught it on film, God bless her. Kat was showing signs of being very advanced for her age. Carlisle and I discussed that at length but I wasn't sure if I had mentioned the way she fed herself her cereal this morning, never spilling a drop. I must make sure I tell him.

"...and I really a nice kind man to help me," droned on the voice.

"Sorry?" I asked.

I really need to pay attention to my patients, even the obvious attention seekers like this woman.

"I said, I have trouble reaching orgasm and I need a kind man to help me," she repeated, standing, starting to undo her blouse.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"You must need to examine me," she said, smiling in a sexy way, I suppose.

"Actually, my fellow GP handles problems of this nature, I shall refer you along. Just wait, maybe I can get you in for an appointment now."

I dialled the receptionist and sat back.

"Jane, I have a patient to refer to Vic, any spaces available this morning? Now? Great. Ms Tanya Denali, D E N A L I, come and show her the way to Vic's room. Thank you."

"I hope this Vic is as gorgeous as you are," she cooed.

"Well, similar I guess. Red hair, green eyes, if that's what you like."

I'm sure Victoria is considered very attractive by most people.

Jane took the potential problem away and led her up the hallway and I invited my next patient in.

The day was dragging, I wanted to go shopping with Bella and the baby to choose a very special first birthday gift for our daughter. We were planning a party and it was time we bit the bullet and invited Jamie back to our house. We had visited him three times this last year so he could meet and get to know his sister, and we met baby Alex, who was somewhat developmentally delayed but he had started life so roughly, there had to be consequences.

xxx xxx xxx

_The first time we went to Char and Peter's house after our own birth, we were apprehensive to see our son again. Bella worried he would affect me badly when we left, I was more worried he would not accept us as easily as last time._

_Neither of our fears were realized. Jamie opened the door before we even unstrapped his sister, and he jumped into my arms._

"_Daddy Edward, I missed you."_

"_Jamie, son," I choked, ruffling his hair and placing his feet back down on the ground._

"_Hiya Mom, Bella," he stuttered, always a little confused. He knew the facts but having four parents was bound to be strange and living with two and seeing the other two as visitors, it was a wonder he coped as well as he did._

"_Oh, look, she has eyes like me," he stated, staring at Kat's little face. She managed a smile, rare at that early stage and he was hooked._

_Bella carried her inside, as Peter welcomed us, and Char was sitting in the sitting room with baby Alex._

_I approached cautiously, I knew he had some problems, and strangers were hard for him. At least we had been warned not to wear white, he had seen too many white coated specialists in his short life to be relaxed around anyone in that color._

_I should have thought of that myself so was glad his father had explained beforehand._

_Not that Bella or I wore a lot of white, with a baby it was asking for trouble._

_We sat and smiled and slowly Alex started taking us in, and he even smiled at Bella._

"_That's a first, he doesn't take to strangers," Char said happily._

"_Bella is not a stranger, she is my other mother," Jamie chortled._

"_She is a stranger to your brother," Peter explained._

"_So, is Kat Alex's sister, too?" he asked._

"_Sister by choice," Bella answered. "You know you grew inside me, and Edward put you there, and it was the same for Kat, but Peter put Alex inside your mom and she grew him there so the babies have different biological parents but we are all still family."_

"_Because of me," Jamie added, smiling._

"_Yes, because of you."_

"_Because I have four parents," he confirmed. "You and Edward and Peter and Char."_

"_Mom and Dad, thank you," Peter cautioned him._

"_But Edward and Bella are my Mom and Dad too. I can't call you all Mom and Dad, can I?" he asked sincerely, wanting to know._

"_You should call Charlotte and I Mom and Dad, it's the respectful thing to do," Peter replied._

"_You can call us whatever you are comfortable with," Bella replied. "Mom and Dad, Bella and Edward, Mommy Bella and Daddy Edward, you choose."_

"_I think Mommy Bella and Daddy Edward is best," he decided._

_Peter and I made coffee and cocoa and I could hear the women talking about their births and baby experiences as we waited for the water to boil. Char was recovered now, but the jury was still out on Alex's health issues. Whether he would catch up and be completely unharmed was still in question._

_Charlotte seemed less ocncerned that Peter, but that is probably a father thing. I know how proud I was when I found out my son was a genius, it had little to do with me, seeing children inherit their intelligence from their mothers, but it still made me feel I created a really special child._

_Therefore, I could understand Peter's anxiety. He didn't crave a genius son, but he did hope Alex would fit within the 'normal' range and be able to keep up with his peers._

_I observed him as he lay on the rug on the floor, his weak attempts to roll or reach were a worry but his age had to be adjusted and the nine weeks he had arrived early had to be deducted from his actual age._

_Anyway, it was way too early to come to any conclusions. Whether he reached his milestones for his adjusted age would be the clue._

_Char was taking him to physical therapy and music therapy, and Baby Gym. If complete devotion could make him better, she was the one to do it._

_Jamie seemed a little needy, and he took me to his room to show me new things he had, pictures he had drawn and stuck on his walls, and a new star chart with the latest revisions. He explained the latest theories about Pluto being downgraded and maybe now reinstated, and the possible addition of Charon and Xena at least. Both were round, thus fitting the new requirements , though currently they were termed plutons, not yet planets._

_My head was buzzing, this child could explain theories like any master at college. Maybe more clearly, because he used common terminology and explained new words concisely._

_I handed over the latest book Carlisle had sourced and luckily I had read on the plane trip over, so I didn't seem a complete idiot._

_Jamie was enthralled, it was a five hundred dollar edition so we pretty much were sure he would not have it yet, and sure enough, he knew of it but had not held a an actual copy before. He wanted to read and absorb every fact but I convinced him it may be better to start after we left, as Bella and Kat would want his company._

_Watching him drag himself away from it reminded me sharply of myself at his age. Discovering medical books in Carlisle's library had always left me wishing the real world would go away and let me delve inside and learn about the human body._

_It seemed my son was just as fascinated with the Heavenly bodies._

_xxx xxx xxx_

_The next two visits were similar, my father insisted on buying books one would normally keep for a college student, and Jamie was always knowledgeable of their existence already and keen to get down and study them. Carlisle believed feeding a hungry brain was just as important as feeding a hungry body, and money was never an object. he called Peter each time he was about to make a purchase and luckily Peter was actually glad for Jamie to have the books, so there was no problem._

_Alex was progressing more slowly than Kat, even with age adjustments, but on the other hand, she was a girl, and she was advanced for her age, so the gap seemed wider than it was._

_Char loved her little boy unconditionally, Peter was pulling away and it concerned me. No matter what problems Alex may have, he would progress far better with the love and help of both parents. He needed his father to accept him as he was, and be there for him, as he had always been there for our child._

_xxx xxx xxx_

The bombshell hit when we called to invite the family to Kat's first birthday party. Char had found an expert in the pediatric field interested in helping Alex, which was great. The bad news was, the professor was English and lived in London. Our son was moving to another country.


	13. Chapter 13

Happily Ever After

Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf.

Chapter 23

"Edward, that is ridiculous, there are doctors here running programmes to help babies like Alex. I can ask around, pull a few favors in, get him into one near his home..." Carlisle growled, angry this speed bump had arisen.

"Wait, Dad, of course I know that. Dr Steinway has a programme that would suit him ideally, but there's something more to consider. If they leave the country, there's room to negotiate our access. Jenks tells me we would be encouraged to have an open dialogue with Peter and Charlotte and maybe a counsellor and try to work out an agreement ourselves, if not, we can be referred for counselling and mediation. Before you act, I want to know if we would actually see more of Jamie if they moved overseas. We only spend four weekends a year with him as it stands now."

Carlisle frowned and went off to investigate, his mind already totally filled with a need to explore our options and discover the best outcome for all of us.

After lunch, I called Peter and Charlotte and arranged to have a phone conference, wanting Carlisle to be part of the conversation.

Bella settled the baby in her crib and we all sat together.

"We leave in three weeks, we have found a place to stay, with relatives of Charlotte, who still live in London. They know this doctor personally,he is married to Char's aunt Rebecca,and he has a reputation for being the best with children with developmental problems. He does consult overseas but he hasn't time to travel a lot, I think Alex would be best in his hands. We have found many excellent programmes here in the states but they are filled, and there won't be a place for him for ages. I think both you and Carlisle would agree, Edward, timing is essential, we need to intervene now, before Alex falls too far behind."

"Peter, we completely understand your need to do what you think is best for your son. There are programmes here of course, and we could pull some strings for you if that is what you want but if you do take your family to the UK, we need to discuss what access Bella and I and our extended family will have to Jamie. It would be hard for us to visit there, we have our own baby to consider, and I don't like the idea of taking her on any long international flights at her age, to be honest."

"Char and I have thought of that and discussed it at length. We are thinking maybe Jamie could stay with you at school break. That would be six weeks staring mid December, and another six weeks in mid June. I imagine you would be happy to pay for his tickets, seeing you have a much larger income than we do, let's face it."

"That would be fine, not a problem. That sounds very reasonable, Peter. Thank you."

"As it's currently April, it means he would be flying back very soon after we arrived, within weeks, so we wondered if you would prefer to have him now? Extend the visit this one time only? He is looking forward to seeing you both and staying in his room, and it would be helpful if we could do this major move without worrying about Jamie at the moment. One thing, I would ask that someone accompanies him to the UK the first time he comes. Would that suit you?"

"I think that would be best, and I will accompany him myself," promised Edward. "When are you thinking of us collecting him from you?"

"Anytime, Edward. We have a million things to do, selling the house, organizing everything is doing our heads in and Char has to keep all therapy appointments even while we are packing. It would be a great help if you took Jamie soon."

"This weekend? I could fly over and collect him myself. Maybe stay at yours the one night. i will bunk in with Jamie, don't be going to any trouble, we want to lighten your load, not increase it. I honestly can sleep anywhere, on a couch is fine."

"Thank you, the non essential furniture is all sold, including the guestroom bed, so I am sure there will be a couch vacant for you. We do still have one couch," he laughed.

"How is Alex?" Bella asked.

"He is well, just slipping more behind his peers all the time. His milestones are not happening in any semblance of an acceptable time frame. I have to do this for my son, I hope you understand. I need Alex to have every opportunity."

"Of course, I am well aware of the sacrifices we make to give our flesh and blood the best chance in life," Bella added.

"Bella, I should have thought, of course you know how it is. You made the ultimate sacrifice for your son. You did what you knew was best for him above everyone else's needs, so you do understand."

"How is Charlotte coping?" Bella inquired.

"It's been rough. I have not been the best husband and father, I am ashamed to say, but we had an incident. Alex had an episode of sleep apnea so it really shook me up and made me appreciate what we have and what we stand to lose. I love Alex, he will always come first, from now on."

"We are all only human, Peter," Bella reassured him gently. "We make mistakes, but we try and fix them as best we can. That has to count for something, right?"

She held my hand in hers and rubbed the back of my knuckles softly.

I guess we both knew that feeling, the sudden knowledge you could have, and should have done better for your child.

xxx xxx

The past strikes us back in many unforeseen ways.

The next Friday night, before I left to collect Jamie, we were celebrating Carlisle's birthday, with the usual family get together in the evening.

Jasper and Emmett were conferring with Rose so I knew something was up, they had A Plan.

I just hoped it wasn't us all singing Bohemian Rhapsody like we had once before. Some of us could hold a tune, Rose had an awesome voice, and Emmett could belt out any song that was meant to be loud, just nothing softer. Jasper had a good voice though he was somewhat shy at times.

As a singer I made a good piano player.

As a singer, Alice made a good burglar alarm.

Bella rarely let anyone hear her voice, she sang quietly around the house but never in public. She had been too scared to even join the other girls when they did drunken karaoke in dimly lit bars in the past.

Whatever was happening, I hoped it excluded the three of us.

As it turned out, it did.

After a leisurely dinner outside on the patio at the back of the house, Rose ordered us parents to settle our kidlets and report to watch their performance. I was so relieved to not be involved, I didn't even ask what song they were doing.

We had already bathed and changed Kat for the night and she was soon asleep in the Portacrib in Carlisle and Esme's bedroom, and Alice had her three asleep in the guest bedroom, so we helped ourselves to drinks and settled in comfortable spots outside and waited for the show.

Rose had a low cut red dress on that showed every curve. Despite five pregnancies, her figure was still amazing, though she always added, 'only when clothed', but as that was the only way most of us saw it, she looked good to us all. She had more make up than usual and her hair was gently curled and slightly ruffled. She looked like sex on legs.

Emmett had tight blue jeans on and a white vintage concert Tshirt with the word Meatloaf across the front, and a black leather jacket.

His hair was slicked back with gel, his curls swept away.

Jasper had a baseball shirt on and was playing with a microphone, reciting some baseball commentary.

It still didn't click.

Emmett and Rose walked to the front of the improvised stage and started kissing and mauling at one another, so I whistled and heckled loudly.

Emm grabbed his mike, and started singing, as Jasper started the background music from a sing along karaoke cd.

**I remember every little thing**

**As if it happened only yesterday**

**Parking by the lake**

**And there was not another car in sight**

**And I never had a girl**

**Looking any better than you did**

**And all the kids at school**

**They were wishing they were me that night**

**And now our bodies are oh so close and tight**

**It never felt so good, it never felt so right**

**And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife**

**C'mon! Hold on tight!**

**C'mon! Hold on tight!**

**Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night**

**I can see paradise by the dashboard light**

Rose stepped up closer and belted out her part.

**Ain't no doubt about it**

**We were doubly blessed**

**Cause we were barely seventeen**

**And we were barely dressed**

**Ain't no doubt about it**

**Baby got to go and shout it**

**Ain't no doubt about it**

**We were doubly blessed**

The music was rocking and Esme and Carlisle started dancing rockabilly style, and Bella laughed and held a hand out to me, inviting me to dance with her. I happily agreed and we made our way onto the 'dancefloor' beside my parents.

She leaned in and whispered to me,

"I don't know this song but it sounds funny."

I nodded, Emm and Rose and Jas had done it many times in the past, and they always did it well. Now the baseball commentary made sense to me.

Emmett took over again.

**Cause we were barely seventeen**

**And we were barely dressed.**

**Baby doncha hear my heart**

**You got it drowning out the radio**

**I've been waiting so long**

**For you to come along and have some fun**

**And I gotta let ya know**

**No you're never gonna regret it**

**So open up your eyes I got a big surprise**

**It'll feel all right**

**Well I wanna make your motor run**

**And now our bodies are oh so close and tight**

**It never felt so good, it never felt so right**

**And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife**

**C'mon! Hold on tight!**

**C'mon! Hold on tight!**

**Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night**

**I can see paradise by the dashboard light**

**Paradise by the dashboard light**

**You got to do what you can**

**And let Mother Nature do the rest**

**Ain't no doubt about it**

**We were doubly blessed**

**Cause we were barely seventeen**

**And we were barely-**

**We're gonna go all the way tonight**

**We're gonna go all the way**

**And tonight's the night...**

Jas took over and loudly spoke his part: **Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker**

**going here, two down, nobody on, no score,**

**bottom of the ninth, there's the wind-up and**

**there it is, a line shot up the middle, look**

**at him go. This boy can really fly!**

**He's rounding first and really turning it on**

**now, he's not letting up at all, he's gonna**

**try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center,**

**and here comes the throw, and what a throw!**

**He's gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he's out!**

**No, wait, safe-safe at second base, this kid really**

**makes things happen out there.**

**Batter steps up to the plate, here's the pitch-**

**he's going, and what a jump he's got, he's trying**

**for third, here's the throw, it's in the dirt-**

**safe at third! Holy cow, stolen base!**

**He's taking a pretty big lead out there, almost**

**daring him to try and pick him off. The pitcher**

**glance over, winds up, and it's bunted, bunted**

**down the third base line, the suicide squeeze in on!**

**Here he comes, squeeze play, it's gonna be close,**

**here's the throw, there's the play at the plate,**

**holy cow, I think he's gonna make it!**

Rose stepped up to the mike and I froze. I suddenly remembered the next words.

**Stop right there!**

**I gotta know right now!**

**Before we go any further-!**

**Do you love me?**

**Will you love me forever?**

**Do you need me?**

**Will you never leave me?**

**Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?**

**Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?**

**Do you love me!**

**Will you love me forever!**

**Do you need me!**

**Will you never leave me!**

**Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life!**

**Will you take me away and will you make me your wife!**

**I gotta know right now**

**Before we go any further**

**Do you love me!**

**Will you love me forever!**

I carefully watched my wife's face change from happy and laughing to closed, confused, sad, regretful. I pulled her in closer to my body and hugged her tight, kissing the top of her head.

Emmett answered back, oblivious and I cringed.

**Let me sleep on it**

**Baby, baby let me sleep on it**

**Let me sleep on it**

**And I'll give you an answer in the morning**

**Let me sleep on it**

**Baby, baby let me sleep on it**

**Let me sleep on it**

**And I'll give you an answer in the morning**

**Let me sleep on it**

**Baby, baby let me sleep on it**

**Let me sleep on it**

**And I'll give you an answer in the morning**

Bella was crying, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. I pulled us away from the others and wondered how to fix this. The whole song was too close to home.

"It wasn't like that, baby, I always loved you," I crooned in her ear.

"No, Edward, you didn't. It was like that, exactly like that," she cried.

She shook me off and ran inside. I approached Esme and told her Bella had a headache then I followed inside and scooped our sleeping daughter from the crib and strapped her into her car seat. The evening was over, for us at least.

Bella packed up everything she had brought with us for Kat and put the bag in the trunk then sat in the passenger seat, facing the front, not speaking. Her face was red and swollen and she refused to look at me.

Rose and Emmett screamed on, back and forth.

**Rose:Will you love me forever?**

**Emmett:Let me sleep on it!**

**Rose:**

**Will you love me forever!**

**Emm:**

**I couldn't take it any longer**

**Lord I was crazed**

**And when the feeling came upon me**

**Like a tidal wave**

**I started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave**

**That I would love you to the end of time**

**I swore that I would love you to the end of time!**

**So now I'm praying for the end of time**

**To hurry up and arrive**

**Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you**

**I don't think that I can really survive**

**I'll never break my promise or forget my vow**

**But God only knows what I can do right now**

**I'm praying for the end of time**

**It's all that I can do**

**Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!**

**It was long ago and it was far away**

**and it was so much better than it is today**

**Rose:**

**It never felt so good**

**It never felt so right**

**And we were glowing like**

**A metal on the edge of a knife**

I started the car and drove us home.

Bella came to bed after settling a still sleeping Kat and lay beside me in the darkness.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, I truly regret..."

"I know. I just hate thinking about that time," she murmured.

She turned and kissed me quickly.

"Goodnight, Edward," she said, rolling onto her side, no longer facing me. I left a hand on her side and soon I felt a hand reach for mine and she intertwined our fingers together, and she kissed our fingers.

I relaxed finally and slept.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella had Kat and Jamie dressed in their best clothes and we walked into the photographer's studio. She had a sudden yearning for a professional family portrait so here we were.

The woman arranged us with Bella standing behind the chair I sat in, with Kat on my knee and Jamie at my side.

She rearranged us between photos and then took a couple of just Kat, then just Jamie and then the two kids together.

Kat reached down and took Jamie's hand as she sat on his knee, and I smiled at the sight.

They looked so very right and natural together. Two heads of copper curls, hers longer, in ringlets. Two pairs of green jade eyes.

"Momma. Dadda," Kat called as we smiled at her from beside the camera.

"You are so lucky, one of each and they are adorable together. You must be so proud," the woman went on.

I agreed, we were proud, and Jamie piped up a request.

"Can I send one of these photos to Mom and Dad?"

"Of course," answered Bella.

"Oh, he isn't yours. Your nephew?" she asked.

"He is ours, he just lives with other parents," I babbled.

Bella was often unsure what to say when people asked if Kat was our only or our first child.

I always said 'No, we have a son as well', but Bella always hates explaining and I suspect she simply agrees Kat is an only child when I am not with her.

I understand, it is annoying and hurtful to have to voice the truth. But I would never, ever deny my son again. Once in this lifetime is once more than enough.


	14. Chapter 14

Happily Ever After

Chapter 14

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry

I said, "I love you like the stars above, "I love you till I die"

And there's a place for us, you know the movie song

When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

I can't do anything except be in love with you

xxx xxx xxx

I picked up my guitar and sat in the shade. I needed a song for us, a song to let Bella have something to think about when the blues hit her. It didn't happen often, but I always want to look into her beautiful brown eyes and only see love and trust and happiness and music can do that for me, I want it to do it for her too.

She has let go of much of the past and come to accept the bits we can't change but the way I feel about her, I find it hard to believe there ever was a time that I didn't love her. To me, we were always something, maybe not something conventional but she was always mine, always meant for me, and I for her.

Young men are not as brave and honest and good as they should be, simple fact. I crushed her heart and set her feelings back a million miles and she has regained those miles and loves me like I love her, I can see it in her smile, in her touch, in her words.

Everything was wonderful right now, my son was picking up chords on the guitar I had bought him, and playing simple songs with a lot of basic strumming, and the beam on his face was worth a thousand words.

Kat was toddling about, bending to sniff the flowers in the garden, Bella was chatting on the phone to Alice, while watching our daughter carefully, walking up to help her back onto her feet if she fell.

That's what I have always wanted to do for Bella, be there when she fell and help her up again.

I had raised the option of couple's therapy and she had reluctantly agreed. Bella still has problems with people knowing how we began and my assurance that it's really nobody's business, and she may make up whatever history she prefers and I will back her story, only makes her more prickly. We cannot change the past.

It's the path that led us to here, where we are today , so to me, however we got here is pretty irrelevant.

Jamie is the constant 'back to reality' sobering wake up call, with him being the consequence, I guess I understand why she can't just rewrite history and simply say we were young lovers who reunited and married.

The therapist wanted us in singly, initialy, and I volunteered to let her pick my brain and take her condemnation for my past actions first, if that made Bella more comfortable. Rose had the kids, and we had three hours to talk to a stranger.

Her eyes roved over my face and body and she smiled as she realized as I did, that she had unconsciously stood straighter and jutted her rack out more without thought. It was a basic response to meeting an attractive man, no more.

"Edward, firstly, I would like to hear your side of the story about when you and Bella met. Please fell free to tell me the absolute truth, I will not share anything with your wife that you don't want me to. So, relax and tell me the story of Edward and Bella."

"Okay. I have a younger sister Alice, and she became Bella's best friend when they were thirteen. I think they always knew each other but they didn't start visiting one another's houses until then. I was 20. Age inappropriate is the term, my father said it often enough."

"That's quite fair. There is a massive gap between a thirteen year old girl and a twenty year old guy in terms of maturity and life experience."

"Exactly. I was attracted to her from the get go. At first, it was probably just physical, she was always beautiful, even when she was just changing from a girl into a teenager. Her eyes have always been so expressive, you always know where you stand with Bella by her eyes, and you know how she feels, what she is thinking, what mood she is in , from a single glance. She is very easy to read."

"And what did you read back then?"

"She liked me. She found me attractive, she had a schoolgirl crush on me. Every time she came to visit Alice, and she mainly did the visiting, they rarely went to her house, she would hang around downstairs rather than cocoon themselves in Alice's room like most of the other friends my sister had. They sat by the pool, so I used to go give her a thrill by swimming while she was there. Just saying 'hi' or waving, watching her blush the most gorgeous shade of pink. I liked that she liked me. I knew we could not be anything and I never behaved in any way that was inappropriate."

"So, you were dating, one presumes. An attractive man like yourself was not sitting at home playing video games I suspect."

"I was dating from when I turned sixteen. Nothing serious, just girls that I was attracted to that were attracted to me."

"Did you sleep with them?"

"Sometimes, if we both wanted that. I always made it clear I had no intention settling down until I qualified, so back then, I had years in front of me. I just wanted to have some fun. I was responsible, I always used protection, and I never led any girl on, they knew it was a now thing, never a forever."

"So, what happened next?"

"She was always at the house when I went home from college. She kind of moved in, lived with my family, I always knew she would be there. When she was fifteen my father realised I liked her so he gave me a lot of lectures about her age, or her under-age, and told me she was not available to me and never would be. I think he knew even then, the day would come when his objections would not keep us apart. I was always aware of her, but I dated girls by own age and played around like any boy."

"Okay. And did Bella date other boys her own age, do you know?"

"I would have known, but no, she didn't. She was attractive and popular and Alice was always grumbling about how many boys at school liked Bella but she refused to date them. I guess I always knew she was saving herself for me," I added quietly. Complete honesty, may as well just let her see me for the monster I was.

"When she turned sixteen, my sister threw her a party at our house and she blatantly followed me around so I took my date up to my bedroom, and that was the first time I slept with a girl while imagining it was Bella. I knew I could have had the real thing, she was besotted with me. I also knew it would be wrong for her and my father would burn me at the stake if I touched her. I bought her a bracelet and had it engraved with her name, her real name, the name I called her in my dreams, Isabella. It was a grown up name, not the more childish 'Bella' because she needed to grow up for me. I had the bracelet engraved with 'love Edward' on the inside where her father would not see it."

"Why did you do that?"

"Self preservation. Charlie is a cop and has a gun, and several hunting rifles. And he made a show of cleaning them if Alice and I visited Bella for any reason. Alice used to ask me to drive her to their house so I always insisted it was only polite to go inside myself and say hi to The Chief."

"And you did that because?"

"I liked seeing where she lived, how she was in her own home. Her mother used to come and go, leave and come back, often Bella was the woman of the house so she grew up a lot faster than Alice, for example. Alice's life was boys and fashion and the latest rock band, Bella was being responsible for her Dad and running their household. It made her seem older. Anything that aged her was good."

"And so, we have a mature sixteen year old Bella, still off the menu I presume?"

"Absolutely. I could repeat every word of the law regarding the age of consent. She was legal but only to boys her own age. She was very illegal to me. My father drummed that in well."

"How did you feel about it?"

"A bit sad. I wished she was older or I was younger but there were plenty of girls out there and I figured I would meet someone else who attracted me the same way."

"Did you?"

"Never."

"Not even slightly?"

"Nope. I had my friends and my girlfriends, and my friends with benefits, I slept around, basically, with no ties and no promises. It was the way of life I embraced. I was looking, really, I did try to find a partner, but I compared every girl to Bella and they always came up wanting. I tried having relationships and stopped the fucking around."

"And?"

"And Bella turned eighteen and I knew there was nothing my father or her father could do now. So, I made the decision to not go to her birthday party because I knew, if I did, I would sleep with her that night."

"But you wanted that, so why resist?"

"I was twenty five years old and had been in a lot of beds. She was a virgin. I did not want to be the one who changed that."

"Why not?"

"It didn't seem fair or right. I wanted her on an equal footing, so I thought if she slept with a few guys her own age, then maybe I could finally have something with her. I was tired of staying away from her, but I knew by then, if we were anything, it had to be something permanent and she was not ready for that. She was still too young."

"How did she react by your absence? I imagine she hoped you would show?"

"I called my mother and pretended I had forgotten the date that had been in my head for five years by then. It was the legal line I could now cross, but morally I knew it was wrong, still, so I saved us from one another and went overseas so I could not even 'go for a drive' and end up at her bedroom window. I had bought her a present, a butterfly necklace, months before but I told her I had forgotten her birthday so I sent it to her late."

"Why?"

"I knew a couple of boys were sniffing around her by my sister's inability to keep anything private. I knew one in particular, Jacob Black, wanted Bella, and he was around her own age, so I figured he would be The One to take her virginity, much as I hated knowing that would happen, I knew it needed to. So, I guess I set her up. I let her down in the hope Jacob would comfort her that night and she would begin on the path to womanhood."

"But she didn't."

"Nope, she didn't. I said some horrible things to her on the phone, I made it clear I was fucking other girls and had been for years. I let her think she was not important enough to be there at her party. I knew she didn't want a necklace from me, she wanted me to be her first."

"So, you stayed away."

"I had already stayed away many school breaks, I had years of practice at avoidance."

"And she turned up anyway?"

"I totally knew nothing about her getting into college. I deliberately avoided conversation about that because I saw it as a necessary next step for her. She would go to some college away from home and her father, meet guys, fall in and out of love, sleep with a few of them, and come home to me at Forks afterwards and we could be together.

But she turned up on my doorstep. Like a bottle of fine wine to an alcoholic, there she was. I tried to enjoy the bouquet without tasting the wine but she made it impossible. I moved her into the spare bedroom of my apartment because I wanted to protect her and I wanted to be close to her, but I didn't want to be her first, still. I wanted her to have life experiences first."

"And?"

"She was in my bed one night. I got home, she had cooked my dinner as usual. I was in the shower, wanking myself to her image, imagining her naked in my bed. I had lost interest in other girls and wasn't sleeping with anyone at that point. I didn't want to waste time going out a lot when she was at home, waiting for me. I still only intended spending the year building up a bond with her, I swear.

But she was naked in my bed.

I pretended I did not know her exact , to the minute, age and tried to put her off by being casual with her, but she was stroking my dick! My dick who had just spurted all over the shower wall to my hand and her image. I tried so hard to stay strong.

I refused to be her first and we just did stuff, schoolyard petting, I knew it was stupid and risky but I had wanted her for so long, I went along with it. I enjoyed it more than any real sex I had ever had. I wanted to make her come, I wanted her to have her first climax with me. I thought I could give her that yet not invade inside her body. I loved her smell, and her gentle touch, her hands are so small and soft, and she had no idea what she was doing, and it was so ...refreshing. She was innocent but eager, and she still adored me and I loved that. I decided we could be together but not permanently, just be friends with fun but not benefits, definitely not that. She threw in the James card, said he would do as her first. I would never allow that, never, no matter what. Then I let her sleep in my bed and I woke up inside her.

I did not start anything, she had wriggled her way onto me while I was asleep and my dick was inside her and she was bleeding, and it was pretty much done by the time I realized it was not my usual wet dream, it was the real thing.

She asked me to finish the job, and I could no longer resist her. I was her first."

"How did you feel about that?"

"Completely and utterly torn in two. It was my fantasy brought to life, and it was wrong, I knew the age gap was still glaring. I knew she needed a life and other guys so I talked her out of a relationship, which was what she clearly wanted and expected from me, after that night, and I agreed to be her friend with benefits and to teach her so many things she had no idea about. I knew she was far too innocent for her own good. A lot of men, not boys, were noticing her and I guess I figured this was a way to have her for myself but not leave her hoping for the engagement ring and happy ever after yet. I ALWAYS intended finding her again after she finished college but I revised that plan, to finding her again in breaks when she came home and easing our parents into seeing we could be good together. Just be her boyfriend and date her in their watchful presence and build on what we had started, and in my dreams, Charlie and Carlisle gave in and we got engaged and I waited for her to finish her course and come home to me, and we married and lived happily ever after."

"And in reality?"

"I kept her at arms length, I avoided any connection more than was inevitable. I needed her to have the same fun I had always enjoyed with others while she was at college, and I needed to have the families onside, so I guess I tried to keep her out of my heart, if not out of my bed. That ship had long sailed. I went out with my friends still, I kissed other girls but I swear I never touched them any further, I was Bella's alone from the very first time. When I couldn't fake casualness, I stayed out all night, slept on anyone's sofa, relived my tension in their shower and went home and knew she thought I had been out fucking randoms. I needed the space kept firmly there between us. I invented a former fuckbuddy who had become clingy and I then supposedly dumped her, as a warning to Bella to keep her distance. I got a lot of things wrong. I tried to get across to her that we could be more later, not now, I was still working out a plan at that stage, but I think she thought I was telling her we were nothing, and could be nothing in future, and that was not the truth. I was clumsy with my words, I had to think it through and tell her before I left. Tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth but I had time to work out my speech.

I made sure I only ever had sex with her, not made love. I kept the line firmly drawn and rarely crossed it. She caught me out a few times, at the beach I proposed without thought, and I took it back, I knew it was too large a bombshell to drop and we would have too much opposition. I didn't want Charlie to hate me and think I had corrupted his daughter, I wanted him to witness us date and see me being respectful to her, and accept that maybe I was not the worst choice on the planet for her.

I wanted my parents to forget the age gap and accept we were meant to be together. I knew if I went home and worked my butt off, and did well at the hospital, showed them I was an adult and could be trusted to make adult decisions, and she had looked around, dated, been with other guys and then chose to be with me, it would all be smooth sailing when we reunited and became a real couple. I wanted everyone to accept us and be happy."

"And was that ever going to happen?"

"It was, I was not going to even date anyone else, I was going to show Charlie I was capable of waiting for his daughter, and show my parents she was not just another girl, she was the real thing and mine. Then I allowed us to become closer and we had some fun, created some happy memories. I needed her to have some times to look back on and know we were something more than what I kept us as. I hoped she would forget the bad bits and remember the good, so weekends I treated her differently, like she deserved. Then I had to call a halt and study and get the best marks I could, but mainly I needed to pull back and get us back to a point where I could bear to walk away and leave her while I went home and started the foundations. And it was working. I decided to sit her down the last night we were spending together, explain everything, how we would do this, how we would pretend nothing had happened between us at college, just begin like any normal couple, dating when she was home in breaks, calling and texting one another every night, you know, showing the world we were a potential couple with a future, then get engaged.

I was doing my packing, feeling sick and guilty, wondering if she would keep our secret,looking for the words to explain the plan to her and Carlisle called me. His secret child was causing problems in his life, and suddenly I was thrown and I said the wrong words to her, I told her we were nothing. I couldn't think straight. All I could see was me making the mistakes my father had, and I knew we Cullens were not good men, not worthy of the Esme's and the Bella Swans of this world.

Then instead of backing off and giving me a chance to think, to find a way to explain and take back the cruel and blasphemous lies I had just spoken, she handed me a pregnancy testing stick and blew my plan out of the water.

Carlisle would be livid, Charlie would probably shoot me, everyone would assume we got married because we had to, not because we loved one another, it would make her become 'that girl', the one everyone looked down on and pitied and they would not see us as I wanted them to, as open and honest, rather they would only see the nasty, hidden sex arrangement that caught us out and forced us into a seemingly loveless marriage.

I panicked.

I could not see a way to fit the pieces of the jigsaw together in any way that made the picture pretty and right. It was going to look forced and like we crammed bits in anywhere, and made them fit. I wanted better for us. I was madly trying to think of a new plan, one that would still work and make everyone happy.

I was devastated that she had lied and she had allowed this to happen and she had spoiled everything.

She suggested the termination, I had honestly not even considered that idea at all. She didn't seem to want to consider other options, she just came up with that plan straight away.

I was shocked. I had never had to consider what we would do in that situation but I guess I expected her to want to marry me and have the baby and she didn't even consider that.

She just asked me if we should get rid of it.

I wanted to do the right thing but I didn't know what that was. She didn't want the baby, clearly, seeing she thought an abortion was the obvious solution. I didn't want to have to admit what I had done to her while she was in my care and protection, I was the older partner and I should have been responsible for contraception. I had avoided ever getting any other girl pregnant over the years, she was brand new to the game. This was going to ruin everything, my plan was never going to work, Carlisle and Charlie would both hate me and what I had done.

I was selfish, I should have stopped everything, missed the plane, sat down and told her every single thing but I didn't.

THAT was my mistake, not anything else, that was the worst thing I ever did. I could have fixed it, in time, with a chance to think and replan and not panic, I could have fixed it. I hate that I didn't. She hates that I didn't. I just never expected that scenario to happen to me, or to her.

All I could see was failure and condemnation of our families and everything being ruined.

I left and got the money, and gave it to her. She SMILED and told me to go. Our lives had just been smashed and broken and she smiled.

I wanted to run away and vomit. I kept looking at the door, wanting to get away from her.

She had her solution, she had the money to accomplish the deed that would 'fix' her life again.

She didn't want me to stay.

She never once said she wanted to keep the baby and try to make things work between us.

I was angry at them both, her and Samantha, seeing abortion as a contraceptive measure. She wanted Samantha to help her, not me.

I made Samantha promise to look after her, seeing I didn't have the balls to stand up and look after her myself.

I let her down at the worst possible time and I let myself down and I let our son down.

I should have stayed, and been open and honest and worked out a new plan.

She said she was sorry, sorry we started a baby.

I kissed her and started to tell her what I wished we could do instead, but Samantha was looking at me like I was slowing down their trip to the solution. Bella never asked me once, to stay.

She never asked me to talk, to make a plan.

She just said she was sorry.

Sorry? Sorry she came to college, sorry we had been together, sorry we started the baby?

The whole thing threw me for a loop. I came up with stupid, immature plans to fix things on the plane but it was done by then, so I was told, so I just wondered what to do next.

She got rid of our baby while I was on the plane, she didn't even wait and see if there were other solutions.

She swept me from her life in a matter of hours.

I had serious doubts after that.

Whether we were meant to be, after all, whether I should just let her go, start again, start with another girl with a clean slate.

I cleaned my mess up behind me like Dad had made me promise to do, it was done.

Then I went back to her and I expected she would feel unhappy and remorseful and be devastated by what we had done, even though it gave us another chance, and she did not even mention the abortion! It was like it was just the past, not important. I tried to bring it up, saying I couldn't believe it ever happened, and how we needed to forget it, but she seemed to have done that already. She clearly had no intention of telling me about how bad it was, or whether she had regrets. Strangely she let me kiss her, but not like we had. Like she was saying goodbye.

She was going on with her life, she didn't even cry in bed that night. I thought she didn't have the same feelings I had experienced for her, I thought she thought we were done. She was cold towards me, and I didn't attempt to try anything with her. I just wanted to hold her, and she did let me, all night, but she refused to talk and I felt like I had not known her before, not really.

We were clearly done in her mind. She hid her body from me like she regretted everything.

I adjusted, decided maybe we had done the right thing after all. Maybe she just didn't want a child of mine. Maybe she thought I nearly ruined her life.

Jasper kept texting me, he knew something had happened and he suspected I had snuck back to visit some girl I had feelings for, and he was warning me not to elope and come back with some French wife or Carlisle would whip my ass.

I wanted to go home and start to forget.

She didn't need or want me, I had to move on.

I thought I could do that.

How stupid was I?"

xxxx xx xxxx

"Do you want to tell me about your breakdown?" she asked.

May as well get my moneys worth.

"I coped, I thought I was coping. We went back to see Bella, and she was fine. She had gained weight but even that barely registered. All I knew was, she was done with me, she had moved on, she did let me sleep in her bed but she turned her back and went to sleep, she didn't want me to hold her, even. I was disappointed, I still hoped...things.

She was so nervous while we were there. It was clear she just wanted us, me, to go.

We had a bad moment when Emmett and Rose made the announcement about Adam. I wanted to cry, we should have been first and had the first grandson, she just looked sick and scared.

We left and Bella and I did not talk again, not for long time. I had to come to terms with us being done, being the past, not the future.

I had no future now, I always had the plan, so I always knew our future and with the rug pulled out from under me, now I was lost, a ship floundering about in the dark sea, no direction home.

I drifted.

I lived with my parents. Why not, I never did anything they would not want to see. I didn't date, I didn't chase women, I didn't fuck.I became the wonderful young Doctor Cullen, and my patients loved me. My job became my life.

Then Rose got ill and my father and I had to fight to save her baby. We did save him, and it was a victorious moment when he was born, but something clicked inside my head.

I had seen him a dozen times, more, on the monitor. I had seen and delivered babies before. They were just babies, small loud things.

Emmett's son was just another baby , though we were desperate to save him for them, I never thought beyond the medical triumph. Then he was there, in my hands, and he looked like Emmett.

I hadn't even considered that.

Before Adam, I thought all babies looked pretty much the same, some darker, some paler, some had hair, some didn't. But they were interchangeable.

Then here is Adam, a little Emmett baby. All I could think was, my baby may have looked like me. It would have been an individual, it may have been a little girl and looked like my Bella. It may have been a little boy and looked like me, like a Cullen.

But it never got the chance.

I paid to have it killed.

There was all this blood on my hands, from the birth, but Adam was alive and screaming and the blood was from my child. That's how it seemed.

I gave them the baby and went and vomited. I had been doing that a bit, it was just reaction to reliving my sins.

I left and tried to forget and all I did was remember. I had to face what I had done. I had no even fought for my child's life. I had fought for months for Adam's life, and he wasn't even mine. My child I had just let be slaughtered.

I had trouble looking at Adam and one night my parents were babysitting him in their house and he started screaming while I was asleep. I had just been on shift and had a bad day and in my dreams at that time, I saw them kill my baby as he was born. Over and was all fucked up and crazy but I finally had a dream free night then the cries the baby made while they killed it were echoing in the house. I rushed downstairs, it was like the house was haunted by my child, so I wanted to get out.

Esme handed Adam to me and I swear, he looked at me like he _knew._

I drove to the cliffs and paced about and wondered what it would be like to die? Would I go out screaming? Would I find peace on the other side? I even had no problem if there was nothing there after all, because being nothing appealed to me in that moment. Then I thought of Bella and leaving her behind, and doing this to her. She had loved me once. I hoped she would say I was worth saving so I went to her and begged her forgiveness."

I stopped.

That was the worst night of my life, bar none.

"She hated me, she really, truly hated me. She blamed me for the death. She didn't even share the blame. It was all my fault. I guess I saw what she meant. I didn't even take the time to speak and discuss other options. Why did I get the money? She had none, she couldn't have saved enough quickly enough, she would have had to have the baby. I allowed it to happen. She told me she hated me and to go away, so I did. I went home and I stole some drugs from my father's bag and I took them. I went to bed and waited to die.

Jasper had taken some of my stuff and was sneaking it back into my bedroom, and he noticed my breathing was impaired so he put the light on and didn't like my color. He told Carlisle. My father pumped my stomach and administered an antidote for the overdose, and saved me. I was not grateful, I was planning a better way.

The shrinks were useless, then Jasper came and sat in the dark with me one night and I told him everything. He has this way of making things seem better, and he helped me more than the professionals. He made me accept that I couldn't change anything, but I could live and try to make up for what I had done, and maybe save some babies along the way. I was a doctor, I had a gift I had to share. So, I tried. For him, I tried to stop thinking about dying until I repaid my debt.

Then, when my pain and darkness were still around me, like some black cloud, he and Alice insisted we visit Bella, and something changed."

"What changed, Edward?"

"She forgave me."

"And that made you feel better?"

"So much better. And the last night we were there, she let me make love to her. Properly. She let me kiss her and touch her and be inside her body in a way I had never been before. I started to have hope again. I started to think maybe the future could still happen. It didn't turn out that way, when she finished college she pretty much dumped me but I could cope by then. I never gave in to the darkness again, but I wasn't ever happy again.

Not for a long time.

Then Bella told me the baby was alive, I never killed it. He was alive and she had given him away, so suddenly I had a new reason to live. I wanted to get my son back. But along the way, I knew I loved Bella still, and would do anything to have her again, back by my side, in my bed. So I blackmailed her."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. I knew what I was doing, and I did it. Then I realized, once again, I was treating her badly so I backed off and let her go, and instead, she stayed with me and we tried again. We were having another baby and we found each other again. So, now we have Jamie live with us for two breaks each year, so we know him. And we have our daughter, Kat, all the time. And we have one another. So, to me, it's as fixed as it can be."

"And so, why are you here?"

"Because I need Bella to be fixed and happy. She is mostly okay but sometimes she gets lost and still cries over the past. I know you can't fix it and make them give Jamie back, but can you make her see what we have is great, wonderful, and we are doing well now? Can you make her forget?"

"No, Edward, nobody can make her forget, but maybe we can help her accept."

**lyrics from Romeo and Juliet by The Killers.**


	15. Chapter 15

HEA

Chapter 15 (14 part B really)

Bella's session.

I looked up at Edward as he walked out, he kissed me and told me it was my turn now so in I went. I had never been to a counsellor and had little idea what to expect. I hoped she had a magic wand and could fix me before I blew everything and made Edward realize I was never going to be normal, there would always be things, songs, conversations, books, things that took me straight back to that time, when I loved him and he didn't love me. I know he loves me now, and I know I love him. I know we have what it takes and I should be 100% happy and grateful that we got a second chance. But sometimes the bad stuff pops us almost cripples me. I don't even know what I expect her to do. She can't change the past any more than we can. I told her all this.

"I had good motives when I gave Jamie away. I felt so bereft, like he had died, after he went, I threw myself into studying and tried to pretend he never existed.

I found ways to cope, and I turned my fear and hate towards Edward.

I knew had I been 25, I would have found a way to save us all, and he didn't. I know he was in shock and wasn't even thinking straight but he had already said he was leaving me and couldn't wait to get away. I don't think I would have even told him if I didn't need the money from him, and still hadn't had this insane teenage girl fantasy where he took the stick, dropped to his knees and proposed.

I think neither of us knew what to do.

I offered to terminate, hoping it would make him speak up and refuse, and inspire him to do the right thing. That didn't work. He grabbed on to that solution. I blew it big time. I was wrong, he never loved me. Not at all. He never said he did, I just deluded myself it was just the age thing and I was eighteen, it no longer mattered."

"I think it still mattered. Even if you were mature for eighteen, you had very little life experience, Bella. Edward had been out there living as an adult for years while you were still in High School. There was a massive difference between the two of you."

"I didn't care. All I knew was I loved him and wanted him to love me."

"Why did you avoid using contraception with him? You must have known what you were risking."

"I don't know. Maybe just another part of the delusion. Maybe I subconsciously imagined it was a way to tie him to me. If I got pregnant, he would marry me. My Dad married my Mom in High School because she got pregnant."

"That didn't work out so well, though, did it?" she pointed out.

I shook my head.

"I thought Edward and I were different."

"Different to your parents?"

"Different to everyone. I thought we were always meant to be. I thought we were like Esme and Carlisle, Rose and Emmett, Jasper and Alice. I wanted to be part of that family from the first time I walked into their house and Esme was baking cookies and had flour on her face and she smiled and sat us up and fed us. I wanted them to adopt me. Then one day I saw Edward and a whole new way of becoming a Cullen entered my mind. He was beautiful. I had never seen anyone that beautiful before, and my heart stopped beating, I swear. I knew I was just a kid, to him especially, and he never did anything to encourage me. I didn't need encouragement, I just saw him as a solution to my life. He could give me everything I ever craved. I could be a Cullen, and I could be his. It seemed like a plan. My teenage heart loved him and I saw our future clearly. It was a pity he didn't."

"I think you would be surprised by some of the things Edward said."

"Like he never knew I existed? I can see now, he never made any pretence of anything. He never said he loved me, in fact, he made it clear he didn't. I was young, I thought I could change him."

"We all think we can take an imperfect man and change him into what we need and want him to be, even some forty year olds think that way, Bella."

"Well, I paid the price. I let him use me because I assumed he would fall in love and want to marry me. Then I got pregnant and saw the worst side of him. He was not my knight in shining armor after all. He was just a man who needed his mistakes cleaned up."

"I can tell you right now, the biggest problem you two have is lack of clear and honest communication. Neither of you ever spelt out your hopes and expectations and while he thinks you were easy to read, I don't think you were."

"He was. He never wanted me back then and I was delusional. If he denies that, he is just rewriting the facts."

"Bella, I admit that men do rewrite history. I don't know how much Edward has revised what he believes to be the truth. You would be the better judge of that. I hope he lets you listen to the tape of his session, actually. I think you may be surprised. It may even help you."

"If he said he always loved me, he is lying. He used me and cast me off, even before the revelation. Then he ran, he bolted, he got the Hell out of town."

"Bella, let me tell you my own story. See if it helps. If you met my husband and asked him how we met, he would tell you this story, and I know that for a fact as he tells everyone at every party or gathering. Our eyes met across a crowded room the day we began sharing a class together at Med school. It was instant and powerful and we both knew. It was kismet, Fate, perfect. Pretty story, right? Enviable? Don't you wish it had been like that for you two?"

I nodded. Of course I did.

"I was there, I know the truth. I spent two years in that class we shared trying to attract his attention while he spent his time with half the other girls in the room. I watched him date, hook up, go steady, even live with another girl before he even noticed me. We finally met at a party on campus, we were both slightly hammered. We rarely socialised as our workload was crippling, so we didn't meet anyone but fellow students. He was trying to pick up my best friend earlier in the night, that's how 'amazing and meant to be' we were. She left so he turned to me. Nearest female to him in the room. We hooked up, I slept in his room, and it became a thing. Convenient, satisfying. Some would call it friends with benefits but all we did was have sex so it was hardly a friendship. Things changed, we started eating out, going places, stopping for a quick drink at a bar on our way home. We changed from sex buddies to boyfriend/girlfriend. My husband would laugh in your face if you told him that. He has rewritten the whole thing in his mind to something much more acceptable. He swears he always had feelings for me from the first moment he saw me. Which explains why he was hitting on my best friend in front of me, before he even noticed me, right?"

"So, the point is?" I asked, bewildered.

"We have been married thirty five years, raised kids, we are completely happy, blissfully in love, so it doesn't matter what the truth is. I let him tell his fairy tale, because he believes it is true. The years we have grown together, and become what he imagines we always were, are enough reason to let him live in his bubble. He probably wished we had started in a more honorable way, so he gradually changed this fact and that fact and here we are, Romeo and Juliet. Seventeen per cent of happy, long term couples started as sex buddies. And that's just the ones who are honest enough to admit it. It also depends on perspectives, some couples merely say they were in a physical relationship that led to a deeper one, an emotional one, so they would not tick the sex buddies box. And the ones who started out one sided, where one had feelings already and acted on them sexually, and the other came around to the same way of thinking, they would not tick the box. the truth is, for many couples, maybe fifty per cent, things are physical before they become emotional.

By becoming what you were, you upped the odds of staying together, from probably zero to at least seventeen per cent, but no doubt in truth, even higher. And there were emotional feelings on both sides, believe me, from the get go. That increased your odds even more. You could look at it as Edward giving you two a chance where before, none existed. That's just another perspective to consider, whether or not you want to see it that way is up to you.

I think you need to let go of the past completely and concentrate on what you have. Your life is better than it may have been. Edward could have chosen to never touch you, to find someone else, out of his deeply ingrained sense of decency. He had firm ideas about what was right, and wrong, and he had to overcome them to be with you at all. Most men would never have tried, they would have written you off as too young from the start and moved on, never looked back. He tried to find solutions and it did backfire when he became convinced he had the right answer and things didn't go his way. He didn't have a script to follow any more so he faltered and floundered and did the wrong thing. He had an hour, you had a week. That's a massive difference in time to make a massive decision. If you had given him that week, I am sure he would have done the right thing, there's no doubt in my mind. If you had not suggested abortion, he would never have thought of it. I am not blaming you, I am saying you two did not speak up and say what you wanted so you each assumed things that were not true. Are you surprised to hear he thought you wanted the abortion? I thought so. What if you had done a closed adoption, or if the parents had changed their minds and disappeared and never sent the photos? You would have had a hard time finding them. You may have never met Jamie or even known he was alive and well and happy, and beautiful. In your notes you say they actually encouraged you to keep in touch from the start, you weren't ready for that until Edward forced things along seven years later. Edward has found your son for you and made it possible for you to sometimes parent Jamie. He has fixed it, as much as it can be fixed. Nothing can change the past so maybe now you have to work on the present and find a way to see the glass half full, not half empty.

You can't turn back time, which is what you both want. Get over it and make a family out of yourselves and be happy, Bella. You could lose it all in an instant. Nothing is guaranteed, live for today."

I could lose it all? I had never thought of that. I was so busy wanting what I couldn't have, I had overlooked what I had now.

I smiled and wanted to go, to be with Edward and Jamie, while we had him, and hold Kat, the baby we can keep, and know how very lucky we are now.

Suddenly it was all so simple. Live for today. Forget yesterday. Hope tomorrow comes and is as good as today is.

The woman called Edward in and we both agreed to listen to each other's tapes of our sessions.

I was surprised that he had noticed me and thought about me that much when we first met. He was surprised he had neglected to tell me about how he had been waiting, and of course, his plan. If only I had known, if only I had been mature enough to be on contraception.

Like she said, nothing can change the past.

"What do you need me for?" she asked.

"I think you have provided me with what I needed, by letting me hear Edward's thoughts," I replied.

"I need Bella to be happy, and need your help to achieve that," Edward replied.

"Edward, you must have times when you think about the past, and dwell on your mistakes and Bella's mistakes, and you have both learned from those mistakes and made your lives better, so you understand that's why memories, good and bad, help us progress in life? Nobody gets everything right. I have never met a single person whose life has gone to plan and worked out like they wanted. Some people stick to firm rules and do everything to achieve their goals then a disaster occurs, a child dies, a parent becomes disabled, the market drops and they lose their home or business. All we can do is concentrate on the important things and hold on to what we can.

Bella is allowed to think about the past and if it leaves her sad for a few hours or so, then that is not a problem. You both made silly mistakes and wrong choices and there have been consequences, life long consequences. It would be a problem if neither of you ever looked back and had regrets, to be honest, or if you hadn't learned from those mistakes. Do you have happy memories as well, Bella, of that year?" she asked.

"I do, yes. The market, the beach, the pool, the proposal, the times you held me close and just kissed my head, I knew in those moments I was something to you, no matter what you said," I replied."Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because you would have fought me even harder. I needed you to move on from me then come back to me after you explored all your other options. A choice is just that, a decision between more than one future. You needed to compare and see if it was truly me you wanted. I was willing to wait for as long as it took. I knew you were the only one I wanted, and I needed you to know the same about me. You never dated, you never allowed yourself that option."

"Why didn't we have sex after those moments? You felt closer to me but you shied away those nights."

"Because I would have only have been able to make love to you, Bella, when I was in those moods. I could not have stayed on the right side of the line. I had to keep my physical distance or you would have known and never explored your choices. It's not winning when you are the only horse in the race."

Edward's eyes were suspiciously bright. He had given me the best times of my life as well as the worst. He took the blame for the bad times but he deserved the credit for the good times as well.

"You are both doing a great job of being the best parents you can, you are happily married despite the past, I don't think either of you need me. Of course, should either of you slip into a depression, then things would change and I would need to know, but getting thrown by something that triggers a memory of the bad times happens to everyone. Let her work through it without adding to the guilt.

Just be there for one another. You are doing fine."

xxx xxx xxx

Edward's POV

I decided as we still had an hour or so free before Rose expected us back, that it was time to do something I promised to do years ago.

I drove us along the road to my parents house and stopped at a side road and took Bella's hand and led her through the woods to my meadow.

She stood there, her eyes wide in disbelief that anything so naturally beautiful could appear in the middle of the chaos of the forest. Trees hung over the path like a canopy but opened to the sky at the meadow and so it was warm, and sunny, and beautiful.

She walked around the perimeter, laughing and smiling and ran to me, and I lifted her up high and twirled us around, her arms spread out wide.

"This is perfect. I love it."

"Bella, marry me, here, with our friends and family, please."

"We are married, didn't you notice?" she replied, running her hands through my hair and scratching her nails against my scalp. I lifted my head back and felt the sensations.

"Stop doing that or there will be consequences," I warned her.

We fell to the ground, and the thick grass cushioned our fall.

Bella rolled herself in tight beside me and lay her head beside mine.

Her hand was inside my shirt, pulling the garment out of my waistband and allowing her complete access. She silently removed my clothing and her own, dancing around as I lay there naked. Her dress hit the ground, and revealed a pair of tiny pink panties, barely covering anything, just the most secret places that only I had explored.

I watched, my eyes roaming all of her beauty. The little silver lines I scarred her with made her mine, and I loved them.

The bra joined the dress, and then she shimmered those panties down her legs and off, before standing above me, legs either side of my torso and lowered herself onto my erection. She sighed in satisfaction as it filled her and she arched her back a little and ground into my pelvis. She kept eye contact the whole time, and I started to arch my own back up to meet her as I thrust inside her. Her hands touched my chest and she leaned down and sucked in my nipple, surprising me, then bit down, the jolt of electricity surged through my body and hardened my dick even further.

She let the nipple go and I leaned up to return the favor, sucking in her sweet pebbled tips and tasting them in turn, watching her get more and more turned on. I loved that I had always been able to make her into this beautiful, sexy, alive woman, gasping in air as I worked her into a frenzy. My pelvis ground into her sweet spot and she cried out loud as the feelings built up and I could feel her clit swell against me as our bodies rubbed together, seeking fulfilment.

No matter what, sex with Bella has always been the best, most awesome thing; even in bad times she always gave me her body and it made me feel humbled that she had loved me that much despite my moods and bad treatment of her. I had never deserved her devotion, but being the recipient of unconditional love is the best gift in the universe. She had mine now, it was the best I could do to make our future the most it could be.

"Yes, Edward, Yes, Edward," she chanted, her head thrown back, her body on fire.

"Yes, you will marry me in a real wedding here in the meadow?" I asked, my hands trailing up and down her torso, just the tips of my fingers touching her skin, making her body tingle.

"Yes Edward," she screamed and took us both over the edge together.

I grabbed her sides and held her still and close, letting the tsunami roll and envelope us both, our bodies quivering together. Our hearts were beating strongly, fast, making us breath erratically, and seek more air.

She dropped beside me and I rolled onto my side and kissed her like she deserved to be kissed, always. With open and honest love, nothing hidden, nothing denied.

"I love you with all my heart and soul," I declared, because it was the simple truth.

"I know, and we are together now and that is all I want," she replied. "I want you, Edward. I always wanted you. No matter what, my soul was never complete until we found one another again. I tried to live without you and it was so empty and lonely, like the world was this big, soulless, cold place. Only you make it a warm and beautiful place to live. Only you. It was only ever you."

It was only ever me. I wondered so many times if that was fair, her only ever knowing me inside her, but I would never raise that question because she had never considered sharing herself with any other man, and I was not about to send her head in that direction. She chose me when she was so young, and unlike me, she had the patience and faith to wait until we could be together. I regretted those other women, the empty, recreational sex, but at the time, I think it was maybe a better choice than being a twenty year old virgin sitting about waiting for a thirteen year old girl to come of age, that just seemed creepy.

It was not our fault we were born seven years apart and I like that best about now, now nobody notices or cares.

What was the major stumbling block between us has gone away, and we can always be together. That's all that matters, when you come down to it.

"Come on, we should get dressed and go home and face the music," she stated, laughingly.

"The music?"

"Alice is going to throw the biggest wedding for us that Forks has ever seen. We will be dressed like birthday cakes and probably have fairy wings and halos and floral underwear, so man up, Cullen, and come let your sister play dollies with us."

"Not happening. We already have our wedding clothes," I answered.

She frowned.

"I never had the slip dress made," she replied.

"I know, but I did buy you a gypsy skirt and blouse, and a poet's shirt for myself. Don't tell me you didn't keep them."

"I kept them, I haven't worn them again since that day, but I kept them."

"Then if I get to choose, that's what we will wear. Do you prefer a fluffy meringue?" I laughed, because Bella would never be a fluffy meringue girl.

"I want to wear my skirt," she admitted, kissing my nose and chin. "Besides, I can't wait to see Emmett's face when you walk into the meadow in your poet's shirt. What a pity you didn't buy him one as well."

"I don't think poet's came in super jumbo size," I answered.

I dressed her slowly, kissing whatever was about to become hidden from me.

She dressed me, apologising for the two missing buttons on my shirt, her patience has a limit, it would seem.

We stopped at the cottage to shower and wash the pieces of wild flowers from our hair and we turned up at Rose's looking clean and respectable, which made her raise her eyebrows and laugh.

"So, good session then. And how was the counselling, did that go well too?" she quipped.

Bella ignored her and went to scoop up our daughter who was lying on her belly on the floor coloring in a book with crayons.

Edward, Rose's youngest son, was coloring in the same page and he laughed as Kat was lifted into the air, so I went and lifted him as well. He was a heavy boy, compared to our lightweight daughter. He was the least like Emmett in looks, his curls were golden blond like his mother's hair, and his eyes were all Rose's.

"You should have been a girl," I said, looking at his gorgeous eyelashes that draped on his pretty cheeks.

"Yes, because we know boys cannot be beautiful," Rose replied, having a dig at me.

"Point taken," I conceded.

I had spent a lifetime being told how pretty I was, just as well my soul had been well hidden.

It feels different now, Bella has made me into a better person and I no longer have any darkness inside. I will always have her to thank for that, her purity somehow purified me along the way.

I shudder when I think of the past but now I resolved to only remember the good times. I wanted Bella to forget the bad, so maybe it was time to let go myself, as well.

We were different and better people now.

We took the kids outside and Rose insisted we stay for lunch and we were swimming lazily in their pool when Emmett returned home from work. Boys came from everywhere when they heard his jeep, and he was soon lost inside a huddle of arms and legs as he wrestled with his sons. Emmett has always loved his life, the only blip they ever had was Adam's dangerous pregnancy.

I envy him that but then, he made better choices than I had. He was open and honest with his feelings for Rose. He was the least deceptive person I had ever met and I wondered how he would have coped if they had been born seven years apart?. That was a challenge for any man, society allows young girls to idolise older boys but them liking the girl back is greeted with distrust and suspicion that it is not quite right or nice.

Kat snuggled into my arms and fell asleep, as Bella sat beside me, feeding me dessert after dinner with the family. Jas and Alice had drifted over to Emmett's house, and the yard was dotted with tired children playing quietly now. Jamie was the leader by default because he was the oldest, and Adam was always ready to co- lead the others into mischief with him.

I love that Jamie has his place here and we will all miss him next week when he goes back to his other parents. Peter and Char have called daily, and nightly, they miss their son like we do when they have him.

It's never going to be perfect, for any of us, but it is as good as it can be. Bella chose well, I don't think we could have found more generous parents to give our son to. I was flying to London with him next Saturday, it would be an adventure for us both, but it would be bitter sweet, as always. He would be back, that's what we needed to hold on to, the arrivals, not the departures.


	16. Chapter 16

Happily Ever After

Chapter 16

Jamie was excited and a little nervous on the flight but he calmed and became quieter as we got closer to Heathrow. I caught him looking at me rather than out of the window more as the flight ended. Finally, I patted his arm and gave him a reassuring smile. He seemed worried about something, maybe just about all the changes. New country, new house, new school, new friends. I was wrong. He surprised me.

"I worry about Bella," he stated, sounding ten years older at least than his true age.

"You worry about your Mom?" I questioned.

"I think she will miss me a lot."

"I know she will miss you a lot but you will be back. A few months time, it will be our turn again. Just six weeks each time in future but we can make those six weeks really special for us all, right?"

"She was crying when she came in to check I had blankets on last night," he informed me.

"Did she say anything to you, did you two talk?" I asked.

"No, I pretended to be asleep. She said things at me. She said she was sorry for giving me away and she would always regret that. She said she should have found a way to keep me."

He sounded quite matter of fact.

"Of course she is sorry, we are both sorry we couldn't have worked together and found a way. We were kind of messed up back then, and we are all paying for that now, but it isn't your problem. You don't need to worry about us. You have a whole new beginning, are you looking forward to starting school here?"

'Yeah, I'm not worried. Peter, I mean Dad said they all talk funny and will think it's me who does, but we all speak the same language and I bet they all play the same DS games and stuff. They won't be that different."

"Probably not. And you may come back permanently some day, don't forget that. It depends on how your brother progresses. Hopefully Alex will get all the help he needs to grow up and be big and strong like you. Peter and Charlotte are doing what they think is the best thing. And they have been really great, letting us have extra time with you, Jamie. We are lucky they are so willing to share. Some adoptive parents don't even let their child meet their bio's, we are just fortunate Peter and Charlotte are good people."

"Dad, what would happen if I wanted to live with you and Bella all the time?" he asked anxiously.

"I don't think that will ever happen, Jamie, not until you are older and can choose for yourself. Once you turn eighteen where you live will be your choice, we all hope you will choose to keep close to all four of your parents. We all love you and want what is best for you, remember that. You are probably just feeling this way because you have been with us a few months now and got used to us, you will be glad to be back with your other family in no time. Alex will have grown quite a bit, babies do that. He may be able to sit up alone by now, you never know."

"Why can't he walk like Kat? She is way littler than he is."

"Kat had an easier time being born than he did. Alex may have been without oxygen for a while before birth and he was very early. It's amazing he lived. Some babies don't make it when they arrive that early. He was lucky, but now he needs some extra help to catch up. He is a great little boy, we are all lucky he is in our lives."

"I will miss Kat," he said sadly.

"She will miss you. How about we let her talk to you on Skype, or wave at you anyway, she doesn't talk much yet. And she will be so excited next time you come visit. I can email you photos so you know exactly how much she grows and changes and you can send me photos of you and Alex as well. I bet you can do that better than I can."

He sat quietly through the rest of the flight, but kept a hold on my hand so I hoped he would be okay and be happy to see his other parents. We need him to be happy, that is our main goal, and trying to influence him to prefer one family over the other will only hurt him further. All we can do is assure him we all love him.

Peter was waiting at the gates and I prodded Jamie to let go of me and run to his other father. He did so, haltingly, looking back, then taking off until he was in Peter's arms. Char was sitting nearby with Alex, watching and calling out to him.

She slid her baby from her lap and he stood with help, holding her fingers with each hand, holding his head up strongly at last.

"Wow, Alex looks great," I said as Peter and I shook hands and walked towards his wife, Jamie in tow. "Hi Char, the boy must be making great progress."

"He can almost stand alone. The doctor doesn't think he will be impaired at all in the long run, he is catching up fast."

"I can see that. Hey, Alex."

He grinned and and raised a leg up and down in excitement as Jamie knelt beside him.

"You can nearly walk, Alex, soon you will be as good as Kat."

Awkward moment but it passed.

"Yes, he is getting better all the time, Jamie. And Kat can walk, can she? That's good news," Char added.

"Well, she still falls down a lot, but Mom, Bella, picks her up and she walks again."

"That's what Moms are for," Char agreed.

We were all mature about his slips, if you could even call them that, he called them Mom and Dad when he first came to us, naturally he will refer to us as Mom and Dad for a few days until he gets back in the swing of his usual family life again. We had all agreed he had four parents so if he called both male parents Dad that was only right anyway and the women would always be Mom to him as well.

We used the restroom then headed to their house where I was staying for two nights before flying back home alone.

Their new house was small and attached to its neighboring houses. Being so close to the centre of London, I knew rental costs must be brutal and decided I needed to chat to Peter alone at some point about us contributing, the better off they were the better Jamie's standard of living. If he refused, I would at least make some kind of child support payment, we needed to help them out after all they had done for our son in his time of need.

Peter was open and receptive and there was no embarrassment between us, he knew money was not a problem we Cullen's had to deal with, unlike himself, so we visited his bank and set up a periodic direct transfer of funds from our account to theirs.

"Thank you, Edward, sincerely, it costs more to live here seeing we have to be central to the hospital, we can't live further out and have Alex have to endure long train rides. He is still a little upset by crowds and strangers but so long as nobody wears white coats, he copes better all the time."

I spent some time playing with Alex and assessing him automatically as he piled blocks on top each other and he laughed when his brother knocked them down, and patiently began stacking again.

Jamie was a little restless and whiny at first, but Char gave him a lot of attention seeing I was with Alex, and we both raised eyebrows at one another at some of his attention seeking ploys.

"He will be fine, he'll settle down in a few days," I told her.

"How was he about leaving?" she asked. Honestly is the best policy so I repeated his conversation about his question on whether he could live with us to her when he was out at the shop with his other father.

"It's all very well for the adults, this open adoption thing but you have to wonder if it benefits the child as much as it disrupts him," she sighed.

"I appreciate all your co-operation, Char, you and Peter have been really generous with allowing his visit and I hope we can stick to that plan in future. Bella and I need time to parent him, if only now and then. Bella misses him terribly. She was never game to keep in touch or visit you because she feared it would make things harder for her to see Jamie but not have him handed back. She knows this is permanent but it doesn't stop her wishing she had kept him."

"I can only imagine her pain in having money now yet not being able to get him back. I think we all assume if we had plenty of money, we could buy anything."

Anything but your child back.

"What are your plans? Do you think you will stay in England permanently?" I asked.

"My family are back here now, most of my relatives live within a short train ride,so I have a lot of help and support. Some of Alex's physio is a form of repetitive patterning movements and take two people two hours to carry out so I need to be around family and have their help. We have to do what is best for the boys. I don't think Jamie will be hurt by living here, and Alex is so much improved already, it just seems like we are where we are meant to be."

"So,you will keep to our agreement and let us have Jamie twice a year for six week visits?" I checked.

"I think so, if they don't cause too much disruption. It's hard knowing what is best for him. I missed him so much but I know if it were me who surrendered him, I would treasure my time with him so I do know while he copes with the disruption, it is the right thing to do."

Bella talked to us on Skype on Jamie's computer and the next day I went with his parents to his new school and met his teachers. I insisted on paying his fees and book charges and felt better knowing I was contributing to my son's care, and I made sure he understood tomorrow I would be gone again and it would be a while before I came back for him.

I wandered around the streets with Char while she shopped, and pushed the buggy with Alex sleeping in it, and wished I had gotten to do this ordinary, every day stuff with Jamie when he was younger. I know I do it with Kat but in ways that just makes it more bittersweet.

One child does not come close to replacing another, I had been a complete fool to ever think that would happen. Jamie and Kat were individuals and having her did not take away the sting of losing him. She was her own source of joy and comfort, completely removed from Jamie.

As Char chose new clothes for the boys, I had a deep longing to have another son to hold and raise and experience the joy of fatherhood with.

"You look lost in your thoughts," Char commented as she held up two warm Winter jackets, checking the prices.

"Char, really, we want Jamie and Alex to always have what they need, you will tell me if you need money for anything? You have clothed our son for seven years, we owe you. It's not charity, it's paying our debts back."

"In that case, let's go get them both a really good coat, Winter here can be very wet and very cold. I saw the best jackets in a children's clothing store in High Street."

High Street prices were much higher but the quality was so improved on the department store stock I didn't hesitate to pull out my card and I insisted Char buy herself a decent coat and one for Peter. She hesitated when I started showing her selections in the Men's store but I pointed out she could hide it tonight and put it in his closet tomorrow and he would never know I paid for it.

She cheered at that and chose a coat she thought he would like, and we headed for a coffee to warm up from the cold that was seeping into our bones. Wet, wet, wet, this was almost like Forks but maybe colder.

We got boots for Jamie and a backpack, then went back to the house and warmed up. Char bathed Alex and I fed him his lunch and we talked about our hopes for our children.

"I do worry Jamie will want to return to the States and live near you when he reaches eighteen. We won't be able to stop him. Do you think blood will out? Do you think your bond will be tighter than ours?"

"I honestly don't know, Char. I encourage him to always remember he has four parents. I guess it's kind of like when parents divorce and remarry, there can be four parents for one child. He is not alone with that situation. I think maybe sometimes he will feel closer to us, sometimes to you and Peter. I am glad he will know all his siblings."

"Do you and Bella plan to have more children?" she asked a little wistfully.

"I think so. I am starting to feel like the time is right. Kat is getting independent, things are pretty good at the moment. Of course," I suddenly realized," we have never actually planned a conception. Jamie just happened and Kat did too, actually. This will be like a first in that we will be trying from scratch, knowing just what we are doing. I will get to be there for the pregnancy test and everything that follows."

"I envy you that. Peter is completely unwilling to let us try again, even though chances are so remote anyway, he insists on birth control now."

"It can't be easy now you know not every pregnancy goes to plan and ends with an eight pound full term healthy baby. I can understand his fear. It's the luck of the draw. He knows you both did everything right yet the baby still arrived early, you can't do anything to ensure things go as they should."

"I didn't consider we would ever be going through something like that. When we found out we were pregnant, I just assumed the ending would be that eight pound healthy baby. You don't seriously consider you will be the one where things go wrong. I thought we had already had our share of bad luck, all those years of no baby before we got Jamie. He made our lives so much better, Edward. You don't have to give birth to a child for it to be yours. Jamie has always been our son, from the first time we met Bella and she was testing the waters, seeing if we would be good enough to trust with her precious coming child."

"God,I just wish..."

"I have photos. Have you seen her pregnant with him? We could get copies. I will get the album."

It was weird looking at the three of them together, my Bella swollen with my first child. I ran my finger over her image, and was filled with so much regret and longing, I knew I was crying.

I could have changed our future that day, taken her home where she belonged, never had any of this happen. What was I thinking, truly? All I ever wanted was her, we could have stood together and faced them all, the baby would have given them an insurmountable reason to allow us to marry despite that cursed age gap. I am intelligent, I can see all the facts in black and white and understand the reasons and the consequences, but my heart still wants the outcome to have been different.

I had seen the photos Sam took but Bella always looked so haunted in them they hurt to look at. These were different. She looked well, she looked determined, and hopeful. She did think she was doing the right thing, it was in her face. There was only a single photo of her with newborn Jamie but we got copies, I knew she didn't have any herself. She looked devastated and you could almost see the foundations being put in place so she could build the walls around her heart to save her.

_She should have given him to me._

I didn't deserve that option, why would she have even considered that? She thought I just wanted the baby gone, she made that happen at my own request.

I barely slept that night, I sat and watched our son sleep, and felt the raw pain of having to walk away from somebody I loved yet again.

xxx xxx

Bella was at the airport with Kat and Carlisle and we rushed into one another's arms and held on like we had been apart for years. Kat shrieked "Dadda" over and over and I carried her to the car. I sat in the back with my girls and my father told me what had happened at the hospital in my absence. A tricky pregnancy had resolved with a healthy boy, a coma patient had woken up.

I showered and changed and lay on the couch with my head in Bella's lap and wondered if I should just ask, or suggest or what. I felt very ready but I didn't know if she was.

Kat was taking a nap, maybe we should do the same.

Once we were in bed, I kissed Bella and leaned up on one elbow.

"How do you feel about having another baby? When do you think the right time would be to start him?" I asked.

"That depends. Is this just backlash from taking Jamie away? Will you still want to do this in a month's time?"

"I will, I don't want too big a gap between Kat and her siblings. How many children do you want to have, Bella?"

"Three, I guess. How about you?"

"Three including Jamie?"

"Three as well as Jamie. Three to keep," she sighed.

"So, are you ready to start trying?" I asked, twirling a lock of her long hair in my fingers.

"Sure. I wonder how long it will take? We have never done this," she said suddenly.

"No, we haven't, not really. I guess Jamie took a year and Kat took one time, so, six months? If we average it out."

"You said 'him'. There is no guarantee to make sure we get a boy. I want a boy, too, Edward. I need another son. You are the doctor, is there anything we can do?"

"Short of PGD with IVF, no, nothing real. There are theories but they always even out in the end. It's fifty/fifty, slightly in favor of a male when you do the exact math, but it's all luck."

"What's PGD? Why can't we do that?"

"Preimplantation gender diagnosis. Once you have created embryos using in vitro, they can have a single cell removed and examined for genetic testing, usually for gender specific conditions, but the gender will be clear, so then you have just the embryos of the 'right' gender put in and hope they implant. We will not be doing that even if Carlisle could pull the necessary strings, there are many dangers involved in the drugs used to induce ovulation and such. It balances out if you have a family genetic time bomb but no, it's not an option for us so forget it."

"So, will you be happy with another girl if that's the way the cookie crumbles? Do you want more children if they end up being all girls?"

"Of course I do. Each and every child of ours will be unique and exactly what was meant to be given to us. I would like to raise a boy but if we get girls, we will still be blessed with the best gifts ever. Kat would probably prefer sisters anyway."

Bella lay back and closed her eyes.

"I really want a son, Edward. Another little copperheaded green eyed boy."

"That is way too specific, love, there are so many possible variations, there's no way we can count on another Jamie lookalike."

"I know," she whispered, a single tear escaping from under her eyelid.

"Bella, darling, are _you _sure you are ready? I don't want you agreeing to this just in hope of a boy, it may well be a girl. I want you to be happy, always. We are happy now, maybe it would be better not to rock the boat."

"I guess if we accept it will probably be a girl, count on that, then if it isn't it will be an unexpected bonus."

I was suddenly unsure if this was my best idea. I didn't know she was so desperate to have another son, like I was. Too desperate maybe to even risk bringing more daughters into the family and have her disappointed.

"Maybe we should wait," I suggested.

"It's not going to change, Edward, I am always going to long for a boy I get to keep."

It seems wrong to want one gender over the other and doomed to failure going on our luck so far. I was glad Kat was a girl because it gave us a fresh new start,not a replacement, but if I was honest, I was doing this in hope of getting one son among the last two babies we would have.

"The gender of the next one won't be a big deal, we have produced one of each, this next baby just ups the boys over girls or whatever. The pressure would be on the last pregnancy if this one is a girl," I mused out loud.

"Let's just do it," she said, moving in closer, her hand seeking me under the sheet.

"Let's just do it," I agreed.

xxx xxx xxx

"Third try lucky" Bella sang, handing over the testing stick.

Three months of almost constant sex, and finally she was 'late' and any minute now we will know if four days late is significant.

"Yes!" I hissed, waving the stick in the air victoriously.

"Show me," she demanded, grabbing it from me.

"This goes in the Memory box. Will it show positive forever or will it fade?"

"I have no idea, nobody ever told me they kept their test stick. I guess we will find out, Mrs Cullen."

"So, the stick turned blue, does that mean a boy?" she smirked.

"The stick turned blue because you searched high and low for a brand that turned blue if positive."

"Why do so many manufacturer's make sticks that turn pink? Some of us long for frogs and snails and puppy dogs tails you know."

"Bella, what did we agree?"

"That this one will be a girl and I will not pout," she replied.

"Exactly. Now, how long before we tell?"

Alice put her head around the doorway.

"If you don't expect your nearest and dearest to just walk in, lock the front door. That's just common sense. So, when is this one due, Doctor Know-it-all?"

"Hm, my birthday, near enough," I replied. Like I didn't calculate every single month ahead of time.

"Jamie's on Skype," Emmett called and we all left the bedroom and crowded around the computer in the sitting room.

"Jamie," said Kat, rocking on her toes, pointing at the screen.

"Hello Kitten," Jamie said, trying to keep a hold on his brother as Alex squirmed to escape.

"Kitten?" asked Alice, looking at me.

"He decided as she is a little Kat, he will nickname her Kitten," Bella explained.

"Hmm, Edward, how do you feel about that?" Alice asked.

"It's a little like the names in the 'Only $6.95 per minute, credit cards only' column in the back of magazines but whatever.

"Kitten, Kitten" Kat chimed back.

I sat down and pulled our daughter onto my knee.

"Hi Jamie, and Alex, how are you boys today?"

"We have snow," Jamie said excitedly.

"Really? How cool is that. Have you been out in it yet?"

"No, Mom says we have to wait until the storm passes," he scowled, bringing laughter from all listening.

"That sounds sensible. Probably best not to get lost in a snow storm. Your Mom is right."

"But I want to build a snowman and make snow angels," he replied impatiently.

Alex slid from his lap and toddled away.

"Alex is walking!" Bella exclaimed.

"Yeah, he walks good now. He doesn't fall down much but he gets in my stuff," Jamie complained.

"All little kids get into everybody's stuff, you need to keep your bedroom door locked," suggested Alice.

"Mom says I have to learn to share," he answered.

"Fair point, we all have to learn to share at some time," I added."Maybe just keep your good stuff out of his reach and let him play with your other toys."

"Mom's already put the dangerous stuff away so he won't eat anything and choke," Jamie sighed.

"Well, we all have to learn to get on, things will change as Alex gets older and can play more games you like. Give him time."

"When am I coming back to your house?" he asked.

"In July, you know that. Kat is getting into everything, too, all little ones need to learn to respect other people's stuff but until they are old enough to learn, we need to keep things out of their reach," I warned him.

"Are you coming to get me when I come for the holidays?" he asked.

"Sure, if you want me to. I can do that. I would have to stay there a day or two before we fly back together though."

"So, can I come earlier if I come by myself?" he asked hopefully.

"We can talk about this later. How is school now? Have you made some friends?"

Jamie became quiet and bit his lower lip in the same way Bella always has when she doesn't want to answer a question.

"Sure."

His eyes betrayed the lie.

"It will take a while. Maybe just be open and friendly, that used to work for me."

Actually I was always popular but growing up my entire childhood with the same people in the same town I had never been challenged to attract new friends, or knew what it was like being the 'new kid'. New students soon knew who the Cullen's were and some joined our group, but we had never chased anyone for friendship.

At college it was all new except I had friends there from Forks, and my looks soon guaranteed I had plenty of females hoping to catch my eye.

Bella sat down beside me and took over the conversation.

"I always had trouble making new friends, Jamie. Some people don't need a big group of friends, some of us are happy with just one special friend. Alice was my friend so it didn't bother me if nobody else liked me. I hope you find one friend, then maybe you will feel better about going to school. Are there other new students to the school? Maybe you could become someone else's first friend and help them find their way around the school."

"I hate school," Jamie growled, crossing his arms.

"Do you, or are you just missing your old school and old friends?"

"Maybe," he admitted.

"Do you talk to them on Skype? Ask Char or Peter to help you find them and then you will have your new friend at school and your old friends to chat to at home."

"There is one new boy. He came from Scotland."

"How exciting, maybe if you ask him to be your friend before he gets to know anyone else, you might end up like Alice and I did. She asked me to be her friend the first day at school, so I was really happy someone wanted to talk to me."

It always surprised me that Bella had not been over run by an avalanche of students wanting to be near her, Ali said she always had her nose in a book in High School, once she met me. She wanted to be top of the school and get a scholarship that badly. I was indirectly responsible for her lack of friends. I loved that she was so open and honest with Jamie.

He would settle down soon. We would do all we could to help him.

After he had to go to bed, we all gathered in the sitting room, and when Carlisle and Esme arrived, I handed out glasses of champagne.

"You will all be pleased to know Kat is expecting a sister or brother around my birthday so please raise your glasses to a perfect pregnancy for my Bella and a healthy baby at the end."

"And a quick and painless delivery" added Rose, winking at Bella.

"If such a thing exists," Bella quipped.

"Definitely does," Rose confirmed. "it just takes a shitload of drugs and a good relationship with the man with the epidural."


	17. Chapter 17

Happy Ever After

Chapter 17/ Epilogue

"Bella, you have to tell him, why did you sneak in here the one day he had to go to Seattle Hope and help out with the heart transplant team?" Carlisle asked. He was reluctant to do as she asked, and scan the baby and hopefully see which gender it is.

"I have to know first, Carlisle. Edward is so counting on a son, I need to be prepared if it's a girl, I will need to start talking now about how much better it would be for Kat to have a sister to share things with. Get a name sorted, buy some new pink, get Kat a doll with dresses and a pink dolly crib.

If it's a girl and neither of us know before we have your scan together, we will both collapse in tears and spoil what should be one of the happiest times of our lives. Believe me, it's better this way."

Carlisle shrugged, it was true Edward spoke of the baby as a son, and he rarely bothered to correct himself and even pretend he was as eager for another daughter.

"I don't want to do this, I don't want to know ahead of Edward," Carlisle complained.

"Oh good point, send in your nurse, I am sure she can find a penis or the lack of one with these 3D image makers. You shouldn't have to be involved, I'm sorry for not thinking this through."

Selina entered happily and Carlisle scanned the baby and checked quickly for size and abnormalities but he handed over the transducer as soon as all the practical work was done.

"See you next week for your scheduled scan, Bella. Good luck. The baby looks perfect, good heartbeat, strong spine."

There had been indications but he had shied away from the groin area, he did not want to know for sure.

The door opened about fifteen minutes later and Bella paid cash and accepted her receipt.

"No record of this scan today, right? It's additional to our regular scans so you don't need to record it even happened, right?" she asked.

Selina looked at Carlisle and he shrugged then agreed. No abnormalities had shown up, there was nothing alarming, nothing that necessitated a record of this being kept. Edward would read the chart, he glanced over it at least every week and he would notice anything new.

"Thanks, I owe you both. Can I take Selina to lunch?" Bella asked and the women headed off for coffee and foot long rolls and gossip.

xxx xxx

I started preparing dinner, keeping an eye on Kat as she played and half watched a kids video on the television.

"Hi, how did it go today?" I asked Edward as he walked inside. He looked tired, but they had needed his help at Seattle, what with their heart surgeon out ill. The transplant still had to happen, and Edward excelled at heart surgery so he was a logical choice. His extra study and newly completed exams had paid off.

"It was tricky, it's quite different to the practise runs on cadavers, no matter what you know there's nothing you can do to fuck up if the person is already dead," he smirked.

"Did it work?" I asked. I knew the recipient was a young woman barely out of her teens.

"It looks good. The heart started beating with little help. Her own was a complete mess, even we didn't know it was that bad. It could have blown at any time, we were just lucky to have got there when we did."

"That's great, I hope she makes it. So young to go through so much trauma," I commented.

I know my own life has been no bowl of cherries but at least I had my health.

Edward went for a shower and I put the pork chops into the broiler.

The vegetable dishes were done, we would be eating shortly.

We just had time for a few minutes of fun. Kat seemed settled, so I snuck upstairs and surprised my husband in the shower. I slid in behind him and reached around for my favorite toy, my hands already slicked up with waterproof lube.

"Bella, Bella," he gasped, his hips rocking as I stroked him.

Time was always in short supply but that didn't mean I couldn't put the odd five minute break to good use.

Edward removed my hand suddenly and spun to face me.

"Can we do it for real? I will be gentle," he promised.

I bent and supported myself with my hands on my knees and offered myself to him from the back. This baby made standing up loving difficult from the front.

"Bella, I love you," he sighed as he pushed inside. "You always know when I need you most."

That was easy, first thing of a morning, and straight after work at night. Some evenings he wanted more but he was always considerate while I was pregnant and always left every initiation up to me.

I appreciated it, somedays I felt so crappy I couldn't face the idea of being touched. Some days all I wanted was sex and more sex and then another lot. Those days he came home for lunch and obliged me. Damned hormones. At least I had missed out on morning sickness this time, again. I did have attacks of the munchies as I had with Kat, but now I knew that alone was not an indication of the gender of the baby inside.

We are having the boy we both want so badly and I cannot wait for the scan next week when Edward and I are told this exciting news by his father.

Honestly I was unsure if a week would be enough to get Edward used to the idea of another girl but I had been determined to try, even lie that I had changed my mind and wanted a sister for Kat.

Arabella had been top of my list of girl's names, now I would have to battle with Edward over our new son's name. Maybe after his Dad or his grandfather? Masen Cullen sounded good, and it was a way of perpetuating the name for a new generation.

Of course I was idly tempted to name the baby Ben, and I was already thinking of less obvious ways of including his brother's name in his.

Maybe Masen Corben Cullen?

Edward grabbed my attention back to what he was doing and I screamed a little as he pushed us over the edge together.

We stood there, locked in one another arms, panting.

"Did you hurt my Mommy?" a small voice from the open doorway asked.

"No, my sweet, Mommy saw a spider and it scared her but Daddy killed it, it's gone now, down the drain," I assured Kat.

Edward smirked.

"Anytime you need any spiders annihilated, I'm your man," he said, kissing my throat.

He wrapped a towel around me and then another around his own waist and opened the shower screen.

xxx xxx

Carlisle looked a little nervous, and I wanted to laugh. He had spent a week avoiding mentioning my unscheduled visit here, and as a result, he was always starting to say the wrong thing.

"So, it's been, what two months since the last scan?" he asked, swallowing nervously.

"That's what it says on the chart," Selina said firmly.

"Okay, do we want to know the gender?' he asked.

Edward frowned.

"You know I have been breaking my neck to know if this baby is a boy, Dad. Don't tell me you are getting signs of early dementia."

Carlisle attempted a mirthless chuckle.

He watched Selina cover my belly with gel and started the scan as usual, finding the heat, watching it beat.

Edward took the transducer from him gently.

"Dad, we can do all the regular stuff after we look between the legs, okay?" he grinned.

He moved and rubbed my belly and the baby rolled.

"Better, here we go. Yes!"

He air punched.

"Look at that Bella, a full set."

"You sound like Emmett," I growled.

"Amazing, a boy. A son. A brother for Kat and Jamie, and Alex," he added.

Ours was a complicated family.

He turned the screen and explored every inch of the babies genitals.

"Okay, we get it, a boy. Congratulations, may I continue and check the health of this wonderchild?" Carlisle asked but his own face was lit up with a big grin. He wanted Edward to experience raising a son from scratch as well.

The scan results were all normal, and Edward printed out a dozen pictures, mainly of the boy bits.

"They are not going in his album, may I have a couple of shots of his face, possibly?" I asked.

"Oh, sorry, sure, sure," he answered and complied.

"So, I was thinking maybe we should call him Masen after your grandfather," I suggested.

"Masen? That's one idea," he answered.

"Do you already have a name in mind?" I asked, clearly he did.

"Maybe Carl?" he suggested.

"After your father? Why not the whole Carlisle then?"

The man in question had already left the room and headed off to see another patient.

"My brother that died was Masen, I don't know how Esme would feel about us naming the baby that."

"Oh, I didn't know . How come nobody ever told me?"

"I guess it's not something we talk about. It was the worst day for them, seeing him die so soon after delivery. They were so happy then plunged into despair in minutes."

"Life sure can suck," I agreed."Well, you should choose the baby's name anyway. Just make a list and I will agree with your choice."

"Thank you, love. I appreciate that."

Announcing we were having a son at dinner that night at Esme's was wonderful. Rose hugged me for the longest time and whispered she was so happy I would get to keep this little boy. I think sometimes she is as traumatised by Jamie's adoption as we are.

"I talked to my Mom and Dad and they agree it would be nice to have a Masen in the family again," my husband announced.

I started, he had not informed me of that conversation.

"Only if Bella agrees, it is her baby too," Esme said as she saw my reaction.

"I suggested it, Esme, Edward wasn't sure whether you and Carlisle would want this."

"It would be wonderful, Bella. I was not ready when Rose and Emmett had their third son Curtis but now I am."

"So, you guys don't mind?" I asked them.

"No, go for it. It will be cool to have another member of the footy team," Emmett grinned. He was always going to be the best father a boy could have, he related so well with his sons. Now Edward could enjoy the same bonding with baby Masen and become a father of a boy he got to raise. I just hoped the baby got Edward's physique and not my own.

To be honest, knowing this was a boy was dampening the guilt I had always felt since Jamie's adoption. I had deprived Edward of one son but at least I was giving him one he could keep.

Edward had already assembled a crib and put it in Jamie's room, it was not like he was living with us enough to need the room to himself and hopefully this would allow the brother's to bond.

I was looking forward to shopping trips, buying everything blue that I saw, this boy would never be one of those babies dressed neutrally, Edward would want any casual glance telling the gender to onlookers.

Jamie was told the good news when he logged on to Skype that night and we had congratulations from both of his other parents.

"That's cool, he can play with my toys when I'm not there, living with you," Jamie said a little wistfully.

"Edward, I am about to call you, when you are done talking to Jamie," Peter announced.

"Then go ahead, Bella can take over here, we have said all we need to this time, hey Jamie?"

I was very curious as to what they were discussing, surely not another move further afield? Surely not a change to our custody agreement? Edward would be devastated to see less of Jamie than we did now. This baby was not going to make up for the loss of our first son.

I was relieved when the call was over but Edward looked seriously pained.

"Okay Jamie, I have to go now, we can chat again tomorrow," I suggested and we closed down the screen.

"What now?" I asked.

"Charlotte has Multiple Sclerosis. She was just diagnosed today. They assumed her weakness and overtiredness was linked to all the care Alex takes, now they find has lost a lot of muscle tone already."

"What can they do?" I asked. Hadn't they suffered enough?

"Peter wants us to take Jamie back, fulltime. Just take him to them for vacations once a year."

I couldn't help feeling a single pang of happiness at the idea of raising Jamie from now on, but what a terrible way to get our son back.

"Of course we will," I replied.

"There's more. They may need us to take Alex as well in the future. We know Peter is not a coper, he fears caring for Charlotte will be more than he can handle, let alone the boys. They are telling Jamie tonight and suggested we take him at the end of term, and keep him permanently."

"What about Alex? Is there any chance this is why he was so slow to develop?" I asked.

"Nope, not that we know of. There has never been a child under fifteen diagnosed, even then doctors would be cautious of giving that diagnosis to anyone that young. It's more a thirty something age group."

"Like Charlotte."

"Yes, like Charlotte. More likely in women than men,and it may be more common after childbirth, we know women already diagnosed can suffer a relapse of symptoms post partum. But to be honest, I don't know a lot about it. Carlisle will know more. Bella, taking on Alex may be a risk, he may have a higher chance than normal of developing the condition himself in time. We need to find out all the facts and discuss what we are willing to take on."

"Edward, all I know is Peter and Charlotte took on Jamie without knowing any health risks he may have had, and I will do the same for them with Alex. He is almost like a nephew to us, we would give one of Emmett's sons a home if he needed it, no matter what his state of health, I would do the same for Alex."

"You are right, love. They gave us the gift of providing for our child regardless, we have to offer the same. If Alex needs a home, we will be there for him."

It was simple, we owed their child the same security they had given ours.

"I guess this means we need to get the builders in, Edward. We need to build the extension now, before Jamie comes home."

"I guess he will relish being downstairs, unless we change the floor plans and put the two new bedrooms and bathroom on top of the family room? Then we could all have upstairs bedrooms. We could even give Kat our current bedroom with the en suited bathroom, seeing she is the only girl, and build a new bedroom for us as well as one for Jamie and another in case Alex does need to live with us one day."

"Maybe we should have two downstairs bedrooms as well, they can be guestrooms until we know how Alex's health will be."

"Good thinking, we can get the architect right on to this," Edward said , kissing the top of my head.

Suddenly being a Cullen felt extra good, at worst we had the money and medical men in the family to cope with whatever arose in future.

xxx xxx

Jamie's homecoming was a bittersweet event. Much as he still preferred the idea of living with us, he missed Alex and his other parents. Char had a serious problem with her left leg already and her family had rallied to help with Alex, they were fine for now.

One single day and our family had changed dramatically, Kat could some day be the only girl with three brothers.

The extensions are complete and as we suspected, Jamie elected to have a downstairs bedroom away from the nurseries where his sister and soon to be brother will sleep.

Alex is coming to us for two breaks each year, the same breaks originally arranged for Jamie.

We all figure it is better Alex gets to know us well before any decisions are made about his future.

We have a massive new bedroom with the bathroom facilities included, Edward loves the claw tub sitting opposite the bed, in the bay window, overlooking the garden downstairs. I love the new shower and the multiple shower heads, every aching bit of my body gets massaged at once.

Kat has our old bedroom and loves the extra space, she has a Wendy house in the walk in robe at the moment, but one day there will be no room for that, once she gets to the age where she discovers clothes are more than just a covering for her body.

The baby's nursery is done and is as blue and masculine as Edward and Emmett and Jasper could make it. Nobody would ever imagine it was a room for a girl, no matter how much of a tomboy. So many trucks.

For the moment, the two other upstairs bedrooms are a study and a toyroom.

Jamie loves his new bedroom, it has French doors that open to the patio and thus the pool, so Edward has had the pool properly fenced with a lockable gate so we have the security of knowing he cannot get inside and swim without us knowing.

He is an excellent swimmer and all round sportsman and Emmett has already appointed himself Jamie's coach. He feels the boy could go far in many areas of sport but it's his intelligence that thrills Edward and Carlisle the most.

They indulge in conversations with the child as if he was an adult, and he never lets the illusion fade. Carlisle shakes his head and mutters the boy already knows more than he has forgotten.

Edward, well he is just finally completely happy. He has his firstborn son back, he has his second son to look forward to, and he has his daughter Kat.

And he has me.

Forever.

That's all Edward ever wanted, you know.

The End


End file.
